January 27, 2008

epilogue: excited peeps and tight pants

Lets recap a bit eh?

Cascadian Bike Porn Tour
  • 3-5 cyclists bike 400 miles from Portland to Vancouver BC
  • 4 screenings of bike porn to ravenous audiences in Seattle, Bellingham, and Vancouver BC
  • 1 negligee ride
  • 1 street rumble

Bike Calipornification Tour
  • 14 days on the road
  • 6 of which were in a car
  • ~40 episodes of This American Life played
  • 5 screenings in LA, Davis, SF, and Cottage Grove
  • 1 pair of soft, pink sock-slippers for xxxmas
  • dozens of requests to have it return to California
So what is a Bicycle Pornographer to do? Bring it to middle america!

Announcing the Bike Porn Goes Breadbasket Tour. There is a bun in the oven and it looking to be reborn in the heartland.

January 26, 2008

sobrity, as a metaphor for "suck"

Since the end of the tour I have stopped drinking, which has let me come to understand a little something about myself. I really miss alcohol! I use it for all sorts of things: drinking, partying with, talking about, putting into flasks, pouring down throats, lubricating the screws, tying one on, and possibly most importantly providing for my kruktankerous family, the Lushes of the Pacific Northwest.

Why would a person surrounded by booze, whom takes time to regularly speak of its natural benefits, ever stop? Perspective. By stepping back from the edge we are given temporary clairvoyance of the big (and not quite as fuzzy) picture. Plus it gives me reason to experiment with other intoxicants. Moreover when I do start drinking again, look out, cause my tolerance will have slipped back to the human level. Meaning I can go to a bar and easily get trashed. No more sneaking a beer bong into the bathroom, no more trips to the corner market between games of fooseball, no more drinking before I go out drinking. Well, some habits are hard to break, so I'll probably still be a cheap ass.

This is especially important because I am about to embark on another almost annual ritual of mine: joining Seattle's Dead Babies in their first Friday club ride. Tragedy has befallen my northern friends since I have last enjoyed their company. Kevin Carter, Devlin Williams, and Phillip Hollins, Three bikers who all did time delivering for Fleetfoot are expected to have died in an avalanche this winter. I'll not take a sip until i can do so with my friends and express my regret.

To those we can no longer drink with.

I wish I could kidnap them all and sneak them accross the border to Vancouver BC where the bike kids are hosting a Bikes Inside party! That's right this Saturday, Feb 2nd bring your bike and ride around, indoors! It's kinda like being outside, only not as cold, dark,wet, or depressing. That is what we have Mini Bike Winter for. To crush spirits like empty cans under your heel, Seattle style.

Man I need a drink.

January 3, 2008

Arrest, Denied Constitutional Rights, Bored Gestapo

This is the story of our friend Lauren and her time in jail this New Years. I talked to her just after her release on the morning of Thursday, January 3, 2008.

Her crew of friends went to go play in the desert some 40 miles North of the California-Mexico border. After a few days camping they were traveling north, away from the border, heading back to Oakland when they were stopped by Homeland Security.

The Flower Shop Bus is not a corporate branded coach with business professionals in suits. The outside is a unique, colorful explosion of art and counterculture; a rolling bohemian transport.

"But we never crossed the border. We never left US soil, and you have no reason or right to detain us," they protested.

Standing outside the bus with their police dog Homeland Security was not deterred."If this dog is not let on board the bus we are going to have to pull everyone off."

The passengers were not willing to give up their constitutionally protected rights. "We do not consent to a search," they said.

So the guards walked the dog around the outside of the bus. At some point the dog handler interpreted the dog's actions as a sign. "We have probable cause now. Everyone off the bus"

The passengers complied with the orders. "Funny thing," one of the passengers said. "Once they had decided they had probable cause to search the bus they did not bother to take the dog on board. They just started throwing things around."

The passengers were not trustful of the guards. "can we watch you search our bus?" They asked.

"You can observe from outside the bus." the guards said. Then just moments later all the passengers were told to go inside the holding cell at the Homeland Security station.

The Homeland Security guards searched everyone. They took everything other than one piece of ID and cash money. The passengers were then locked in little gray rooms. One with 6 guys. Another with 6 girls. Their accommodation included:
  • a toilet without seat
  • a water bottle
  • graham crackers and gas station burritos (enough food for one person shared between 6)

They were repeatedly told that they were not being held or detained. (Once a person is detained that person gains certain protections and rights, including being told why they are being detained. If the officer cannot tell you why you are being held you are free to go.)

To avoid letting their spirits dampen they played games like hurricane and farticane and tried to communicate with the other holding cell.

Eventually the guards brought everyone to a room with a table on which sat a pile of drugs: marijuana and mushrooms.

After a long moment they asked who was responsible for these drugs. Everyone was confused then, quickly, the passengers all became very irritated. They had just spent half a week in the desert. By the time they left their makeshift campsite they had almost nothing left. No paint for art, no food for eating, and certainly no drugs.

"Hey! Who's been holding out?!?"

It was explained to them that although there was no way to prove ownership they would all be charged with possession, trafficking and the like. They would not detained, nor held, but they would not be able to leave. Or, if they cooperated, and the owner took responsibility everyone else would go free.

After some discussion about their options it was decided that the driver would take the fall: misdemeanor possession of marijuana, and felony possession of mushrooms. Also a French girl who had overstayed her visa is in the process of being deported. Presently she is being held in San Diego.

Quipping about the drug war and the incredible waste of resources it creates, one anonymous passenger said, "I think they should go out and pluck all the plants that are illegal."

"It is rather ironic. Here are travelers on a lonely road... Here is a federal agency that I pay to keep me safe..."

Shawn was able to get Lauren a flight so that she could reconnect with the Bike Pornification Tour. She got off the plane onto the BART and caught the last half of the 2nd show in San Francisco.

Lovers of pornography beware! Our borders shrink every day and our rights diminish even faster. Persecution for behaving or appearing different is tantamount to enforcing a homogenized, milquetoast culture of xenophobia.

Wear protection, carry lube and be ready to defend your sovereignty .

Out of the Living Room on to the Streets

What ho! Davis has all the infrastructure to make any city jealous (except some form of mass transit that connects with an elevator that takes one to the top of a hill in an old growth forest just outside an urban center... but other than that its great!)

The thing is they are suffering from a lack of culture to draw the like minded folks together. Last night viewers of The Pornography of the Bicycle came one step closer to an active bicycle culture.

30 people crammed themselves into a modest living room in the N St Cohousing. This was the first time we had a public screening in a private residence. It was a little different to be sure. In a big theater anonymity is very possible, even likely, and hecklers (totally encouraged) are unknown voices clamoring for more. But in a small space everyone knows who said what.

The big advantage was being able to take 15 min after the show to answer questions. So many questions. "Why did you do that?" "How do you normally ride on your saddle?" Does that hurt?"

The audience generously donated $75 to our humpalicious efforts. And then a motley crew consisting of a recumbent tricycle, a tallbike, a single speed, a pedal-electric hybrid 2 seater, and the mobile bike church trike rode off on those mean Davis streets.

Thanks guys, now go start up some bike polo league. I got a hankerin for some nice biker on biker violence.

@ 7 and 9:30 pm
with gifts from Last Gasp and Good Vibrations

January 2, 2008

Bring Porn Home

Tonight, Jan 2nd we are having the 1st ever public screening of The Pornography of the Bicycle in a private residence.

Our friend Pasture Ted has arranged for a nice spacious domicile at 732 N Street in the Platinum Bike City of Davis, CA. I'm looking forward to seeing 1st hand how much better it is than biking in Portland. I hear their cops still give out lights to bikers without them, so maybe i will get lucky.

Regardless this is a unique opportunity to experience these programs in a very intimate setting. Maybe I will talk for a bit afterward, or maybe I will get run out of town.

Thursday, January 3rd we screen our bike porn in San Francisco at the Roxie. Everyone's eyes light up when i say that so the theater must be pretty good.

We also got some sweet gifts from our friends at Good Vibrations. A book on masturbation a couple cockrings and more!

I want to thank Cyclecide for hosting the best NYE party I've been to in a while. Good people, good performances and no cover! I love me some free fun!