April 29, 2009

More hot canadian action

After successfully dry humping Victoria's seat tube what is there to do but continue on a Canadian adventure from British Columbia's Capitol City to Vancouver!

On Friday, May 29th after Critical Mass
we are collaborating with a friggin Pirate Party (wenches with wrenches) as a fund raiser for Vancouver's World Naked Bike Ride.

Expect it to rain hotness from the sky for weeks to come.


This will likely be they final screening of Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation.

April 24, 2009

Bike Prom in Victoria



The fun on Vancouver Island is packed tighter than the bearings on a Chris King hub.

Bike Prom is this weekend in Victoria, and our jaunty crew of sexy bikers are about to set sail from our homebase of Portland, Cascadia. Check their website for the formal details.

Events include: alley cat, art show, mystery rides, bike polo turny, prom ride, the Bike Rider's Ball, and finally the "Morning After" a special AM screening of Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation when you least need it. Just to remind you how dirty this glamorous lifestyle is.

April 23, 2009

Assulting the line



This internal memo was leaked to our Johannesburg branch.

Attn: Chicks and Bikes Interns
We're confident we have flushed the system of illegal identy gender confusion. We would like you to please continue your search for the perfect biker ass. You may continue playing with yourself without fear.

- C&B Management

It's a pretty exciting news day, to be sure.

Bikexploitation Music

How do you treat your ride?

During our last tour we were inundated with requests. "Please sell me your sheeet!" they would say. Steadfastly and with the restraint of a god-fearing spinster we declined. We have not sold anything but the cinema experience.

Still, as with any respectable pornographer, the audience's pain is our pain. When they were denied sharing such torrid future-classics like "Smut Pedaler" with their loved ones who could not make it to the screening we were also stricken with grief.

Finally, after much deliberation and consternation it was decided that, yes, we could share something.

Behold: "Sounds of Bikexploitation"

This compact disk holds music that our various producers found/stole/created in conjunction with "Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation". It is excellent and is totally the music needed to get yourself in the mood to do something extracurricular with your bike.

Already the response from our presale have been astounding:
"Some songs are sweet and tender, the kind of music that feels appropriate for giving your bike a bath, other tracks are violent and may encourage you to treat your bike like the dirty slut it is." - Asshly
"You know that feeling when you slide in a CD into your player and it just gets like sucked in? that is what I am feeling right now." - Terry O'Beil


only $10 (shipping and just the right amount of handling is included)
BikeSmut@gmail.com

Do not delay! order your audiopornocontent today!

April 22, 2009

reMEMBERing Boise

We came in hot and bothered after mutilating the FoSho's tape deck. Finally we were able to leave Hermiston by letting Justa's Father actually drill screws into the tape that would not eject. He was totally successful and we were were Boise bound.

Bike riding in Boise has been at the heart of an ongoing debate in Portland. Idaho Style would effectively change the law so that bikers treat stops signs as yield signs. We see most of the debate centered around a different question: "Do we trust cyclists to not kill themselves?" There is plenty of debate on that question as well of which entirely ignores that this idea is called "Idaho Style" because they have done it this way for almost 30 years to the benefit of bikers (who get to carry some inertia), motorists (who don't have to wait as long for bikers to get though an intersection) and law enforcement types who don't waste time writing tickets for petty offenses.


Bicycles, Rolling Stops, and the Idaho Stop from Spencer Boomhower on Vimeo.

This all is rather moot in most U.S. cities where Police are usually eager to avoid having to write frivolous tickets for petty crimes. But maybe "The City that Works" is trying to do its part to "Keep Portland weird".

Somehow we forgot that the Boise Bike Polo players were expecting us. AUGH the misery, it would be days before we could get another polo game on, and weeks before any hardcourt polo action. Some day we will return to their parking lot with an agenda.

A slew of players came and watched the show at the bar turned micro-theater. The porno team drank for free which took the sting out of the marginal $65 we made at the door in donations. But a generous venue, and a crowded bar full of drunk fucks makes for a pretty rocking time.

Our Boise contacts have been helping bike advocacy for a while, some of them volunteer time at The Boise Bicycle Project while another has gone on to champion the resurgence of sexy among smart people. Horny rimmed glasses and tight hair buns cause lots of us to adjust ourselves so we hope it is going well.

Our endless search of the internet found this gem via http://nerdy-porn.com which we hope is the cute girl from Boise's website, but we are a little dubious.


Yeah, BSG is no longer cool, but there is a direct correlation between the amount of time one spends in school and the number of sexual partners whose name you cannot remember (or more likely never bothered to learn in the first place). Keep it hot nerds.

Presently they are a month away from their big week-long bike festival.

er, that should be "The infamous Franken Bike Competition"

Well done Boise!

April 20, 2009

bromance de paris

Comparison photo time.

Which image, taken after the final shot was scored in the recent Happy Wheels Paris polo tournament, inspires more awkwardness from bored internerds?

A: more touchy-feely?
OR

B: more feely-touchy
OR

C: more fuchy teehee-ly?

D: sweaty petting circle


Maybe it was the lack of massive beards or the air of brutal domination but either way it nearly turned... interesting?

E: the"I'll call you in the post season"

Either way we are excited for the Seattle Superstars who have added a European championship to their impressive stats. Photo credit to Sean for these pictures. Dont forget the next championship you win could have sexy results!

We think we know why these images cause such a stir among the "bike sexual". It's cause you have a dirty mind.

BikeSmut: reclaiming demonstratively sex-positive jock performance since 2007

Bike Polo (not porno) at Bike Prom


Sure, polo is sexy but is is also a brutal blood sport. And while we frequently remind folks that we don't deride others for their sexual perversions we do like to occasionally delineate between violence and sex. So during this bike sexually charged weekend no matter what sport you are playing be sure to wear the appropriate gear/protection.

April 17, 2009

Slow Dancing your Ride


Our 1st official screening in 2009 is coming up this weekend at Victoria's Bike Prom!


Sunday, April 26th
The Morning After: Cure your morning-after woes with black coffee and Victoria's premiere of Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation. 11am. Location TBA at the Bike Rider's Ball.

It will be a weekend to remember fo sho.

April 15, 2009

Riding Dirty with the Lord

SLC is a sweet city for bikers. There is a zanny religion with its overly kind followers providing an unlimited supply of straight men yielding metricfucktons of comic gold. The inherent need to differentiate oneself from the straight laced bikers make non Mormons (and bad Mormons) stand out even more.

There are street bikes, mtn bikes, freak bikes, and cheap tacos on every corner. Sure their beer is usually weak as macro brew but that just goes to show how determined they have to be to get well lubricated. So we shouldn't have been surprised by this gem:





Why ride one when you can ride three?






















Balls.



Studies have shown that cycling improves ones stamina. Along the same lines some have ventured that bicycling leads to greater promiscuity. Could there be a link between having sex with lots of people and riding a bike?



Probably not unless you got something cute and a lot of alcohol (in which case people quickly forget about transportation altogether). Still one wonders if the LDS church has ever taken a strong stance regarding missionaries hooking up. This is the middle of Sexual Assualt Awareness Month with specific focus of workplace issues. Does the Pope have a stance on gay missionary sex? Perhaps sans condoms? (3.66 million results and counting)

Take note: contrary to what some prophets may tell you riding a bike does not always lead to sex.


Meanwhile in Cascadia a group of plucky cyclists are gathering toward the creation of a Bike Temple. Ideally it will become an open space for worship and cycling. Extra fitting since today is the official reopening of the previously closed Davis Bike Church.



Lets all take a little communion and give thanks for another day to ride.

April 13, 2009

dimishing retuns

There seems to be a rule of diminishing returns that makes it so that the more content coming provided by one source the less return you get out of each interaction.

Diminishing returns can be compared to fast food. Imagine, if you can the juicy glory that is the 1st bite of a BigMac. Much has gone into the taste sensation delivered at this moment. So much so that any research regarding creating desire in humans might be considered quaint by the fast food industry pros. Now as a comparison imagine having eaten many burgers and being full, the law of diminishing returns says you wont value the last burger as much as the 1st. Not to complicated right? (see nothing about food politics or marketing to children or anything)

WAIT THIS IS CONFUSING EVEN TO ME DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOLLOW THIS LOGIC GAP YOU WILL CERTAINLY FALL INTO A DEEP WELL OF BRAIN PAIN.

Thus we should all strive to be our own porn star as needed when we are feeling up for it. But to try and create more than this... is this just a cheapening of sexuality? Here lies another conundrum for many of those would would sell sex.

The answer is, sell less and make it worth more. We hope.

And what can the Onion tell us about sex? In a word: "cry" In two words: "cry fuckers"