November 27, 2009

Slide Down the Valley

The Bike Porn Tour goes back to its roots: riding bikes! We are
heading down the Willamette Valley. The NW weather sux now but it should be much better by our departure next week.

Starting on Tuesday we will have a medium paced (70 miles/day) ride to Corvallis for a show on Thursday, December 3rd and to Eugene on Saturday, December 5th. We may be camping on Tuesday night, we have
large houses to crash in Wednesday-Saturday. These shows are free for anyone who rides with us but we hope that your presence. will inspire others. Bring your own beadroll. We will likely be having group meals

Interested parties should act quickly as there is an artificial cap of
accommodations for10 riders.

This are the last planned screenings of Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound in Oregon.

November 23, 2009

josh guest post #2

Bike porn infamous tour chronicles -Ashland

"The Party Queen"

I only tolerated her as long as I did because of the bottle of SoCo that was in her possession...

But as bottles usually do, it ran out within a matter of time. Even with the liquor she was proving a difficult person to deal with. If caught in conversation with her, which was a daunting cliff to climb out of, you constantly felt your I.Q. slipping a couple points. And then there was the laugh, or was it the mating call of a giraffe with a sore throat, I forgot to ask. [moreover EVERY utterance was punctuated by said laugh making it a trademark behaviour - ed]

After the nights festivities I passed out, only to be awaken by that oh so familiar mating call and John Mayer covering Cyndi Lauper... I think. Apparently, while I had passed out, party queen on going at it, and was now approaching the “i don't give a fuck that everyone's asleep and Shania Twain is the shit, I'm gonna blast it!!!!” stage that we all know and love. Fortunately she knew she was obnoxious and annoying everyone, unfortunately the only way she felt to make it up to us was to turn up the “jams” and offer us this explanation:

*For more enjoyment, read the following section in the eloquent voice of a sorority valley girl all coked up and ready to make you curse god and/or evolution for giving you the ability to hear.

“Sorry for partying!!!! But this is how I do it, not in Portland but when I'm here this is what happens,

I work seven days a week, twelve hours a day with kids! So when I party I listen to shitty music and dance and I'm obnoxious!”

she carried on with this speech from couch to couch apologizing to the people who were already sleeping, what a saint. Two things came to mind when she approached the futon that I was trying to enjoy. One, Doesn't she have to work tomorrow? And if she thinks her own music is shitty why listen to it as well force others to deal with it?

One brave fellow, was waging a passive aggressive war with her by turning off the music, only to have her turn it back on. The party queen felt she had found a sympathetic ear in mine and confided that “I don't give a fuck, I don't live here now but I did, and that was before he did!! and I don't give a fuck!!!! he's dating my best friend and she was awesome before, I mean she still is...” I couldn't understand the rest of her babbling but she concluded with her signature catch phrase “i don't give a fuck! (insert sore throat giraffe mating call here)”. Thankfully I was the distraction and the aforementioned saint struck a dagger into that ugly dragons heart in the form of hiding the ipod from hell away. from its owner. After a few slammed doors and a “i don't give a fuck!!” we the oppressed were freed from tyranny of that party queen.

- Tanx Josh and tanx Ashland! We hope to return someday and see what kind of real trouble we can get into. Only Corvallis and Eugene remain... wait until December 3rd

November 20, 2009

Sliding Down the Valley - not really

[this post was supposed to go out a while ago, we like the image enough to make you read it today]

Boom! We back in this Willamette Valley like a phallus sliding between cleavage.

We are taking Thanksgiving off to gorge ourselves and others.

Help us conclude the Chain Whip Tour in style.

Thursday, December 3rd
Corvallis OR

Saturday December 5th
Eugene, OR

A ride from PDX to down the valley is in the works. Who wants in?

photo credit to a strange, possibly liberal-hating sex blog?

[we were not able to slide down the valley so we will do the next best thing and drive our stupid fucking car, which we are very grateful did not have any serious issues over the past 2 months]

November 19, 2009

Oh, we thought you said "Ass Land"

Back home in Oregon and it does feel fine. Now to make a run up the Willamette Valley. 1st stop is the fine town of Ashland.

Props to our local zoobomby friends who made this show possible. As well as the local polo scene whose balls we hope to smack when the time is right.

Anyone ever notice how cogs look like a masochist's cock ring? Yikes!

For sexy bike time come to
  • The Cumon I Leen
  • 753 Siskiyou
  • Ashland OR
  • Friday, November 20th
  • 9pm
  • $5 (no one turned away for lack of funds, but please help us get home!)

A great party with hot bike folk will be ongoing. Bring a few bones for good drink. Perhaps bike polo saturday?

We are stoked to be home in Oregon, a consistent sprinkling of rain has been sorely missed.

CORVALLIS! EUGENE! Cool your heels, we will be up in your bizness soon enough (*cough* 1st weekend of December *cough*)

November 17, 2009

the biggest little *.* in the world

We are nearing the end of the Chain Whip Tour, only a few Oregon towns await their molestation from our greasy biker's paws. But for now we will take in the rich cultural experience that is Reno's finest biker bar: The Broken Spoke.

Man does this place gleam! Beautiful wood tables, impressively old, historically awesome art and everywhere is the salt of the earth sampling the sauce.

Normally we would be very nervous playing in a bar. Screening movies in the same space where people are ordering drinks does not make for a very conducive environment for paying attention to the screen. Thankfully their massive backroom will be transformed into a theater and make for a great place to show some porn!

  • Wednesday November 18th
  • Broken Spoke
  • 71 S. Wells Ave (down the alley)
  • 11:50pm
  • With special live performances by local entertainers

Where *.* = the massive cumlative clitteral erections

November 13, 2009

Whats full of bikes and strippers?

... and is not Portland Oregon?


Actually, there are probably not as many strippers in Vegas as one might think. And while the sex industry is brisk, it is mostly off the street (which, coincidently, is what we have also heard regarding the cycling).

So what are we gonna do?

We are gonna fuck bikes like a bankrupt tradesman who has been at the blackjack table for 6 hours too long. Does that metaphor not work for you? Pft! K. Fine. we can try again later.

But for now we will break it down for you like a pit boss giving the facts.

  • Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound
  • Saturday November 14th
  • Onyx Theatre
  • 953 S. Sahara Ave #16
  • 7pm
  • $10, 21+
  • Includes Jello Shots

Afterwards, who knows? Maybe this weekend we will get into some star gazing, or bike polo with UNLV Bikes, or who-knows-what-else!

Just do us a favor and try and squeegee up when you are done abusing those top tubes, okay?

photo credit to mtn bike forums

getting waved down in flagstaff

In 12 hours of riding around Flagstaff this pornographer was stopped by the police 3 times. They were usually pretty polite and respectful and thankfully none of the interactions resulted in any tickets being given. This could be due to the excellent police handling we have received over the years.

The 3rd and final confrontation began at the intersection of the rail road tracks and San Francisco St. after 3am. The train had just passed and the light was about to change. This biker was rolling though a yellow that changed to red while in the large empty street. This conversation took place in the middle of historic route 66.

[BLEET BLEET] (can someone else suggest a better onomatopoeic word for a police horn?)

  • Bicycle Pornographer: Yes? Hello?
  • Bored Police: You need to follow the law.
  • BP: The #1 law is care of yourself. Look around, there is no cross traffic. You are the only car on the street. You are the only source of danger.
  • BP: I will write you a ticket if you want.
  • BP: No sir, thank you.
And while that interaction was actually not as snarky as is sounds (quite the opposite it was entirely heartfelt), our friends and co-pornographers from Tempe who drove 2 hours North to see the show were stopped twice while leaving town after the show. Thankfully they had a designated driver but apparently the police they dealt with were not as respectful:

... that didn't stop the cop from giving Mark (the only person in the car that hadn't even had a beer that night) a 30 minute sobriety test. That guy was a dick. - Lindsey B.
Even our host at the Foto Barn said that he was recently arrested and spent the night in jail (and nearly missed going to Burning Man) for jaywalking. He was not friendly to the police he was in fact quite irate. And justifiably so. When downtown business owners are not able to cross the street because a police officer decided that you "did it in an unsafe manner and while we are talking let me run your identification" that borders on some 4th amendment stuff, never mind the question of whose interests are you protecting?

This all wouldn't make us feel so bothered except that it does reek of classism. On one hand if there are going to be armed people who can detain and/or kill citizens at their discretion we want them trained and compensated well enough that they are not shaking anyone down for protection money. On the other hand no one on the bike porn tour has health insurance. Meanwhile, here is a list of the benefits of being a Flagstaff officer:

Medical, dental, vision, life insurance

Deferred compensation

11 days vacation

Flexible Spending Accounts

11 paid holidays

Annual wellness assessment

12 days sick leave

Repetitive Motion Therapy

Public Safety Retirement

Credit Union membership

Bereavement leave

Direct deposit

Jury duty leave

Cell phone discounts

Military leave

Promotional Opportunities

Family & Medical Leave

Continuing Education

Employee Assistance Program

In-house training opportunities

Yes, it is true we ARE jealous of their "benefits package" which includes repetitive motion therapy, anal wellness, and even house training! (For those who qualify)

That said, we are totally grateful that we were able to leave town giving them only time. Lots and lots of our time. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again.

November 11, 2009

josh guest post #1

This is the 1st post by fellow bike porn tourista joshua while on tour...

Howdy fellow bikesexuals,

First off, I would love to say that this tour has been the shit. Thanks to all the awesome people who have hosted us and helped contribute to make this tour a success and to the people who have kept both our cycles and us, the bike pornographers, well lubricated. If you ever find yourself in ABQ, New Mexico, and your bicycle needs a tune-up or something, go see the guys at the Bike Coop or Fixed and Free. The guys from these respective shops are lovely people who love bicycles (who knew?). They helped us out and we appreciate it.

We're just now finishing up our show in Flagstaff, and it was a huge success. Now we set our sights on Vegas! Come hang out, see some lovely adult themed bicycle films, and go for a bike ride or two.

Now it's time for me to find some cigarettes to bum, and something with alcohol in it....

November 9, 2009

When you steal from bike porn, you steal from the future

Fuck our fans! They keep stealing our cool shit! Snached from the Guild Cinema walls before the movie was even over...

Some annoyingly overexcited bikesexuals in Ogden, Boulder and now ABQ has thieved our best art! We had only a few of these posters. Now we have none. Thus at all the upcoming shows in Flagstaff and Vegas and Reno and Ashland - no one is gonna see our fucking amazing poster art for the next years program.

It hurts!

We would love to have our posters returned. We want to see them again; to at least know they are being loved.

[saddness envelops]

November 8, 2009

Raising the Flagstaff

Coming out of the steamy bowl that is ABQ following Pornotopia, our team has reached the southeastern edge of the Chain Whip Tour universe. From now on it is nothing but traveling north by northwest.

1st stop on our voyage home is the rather conservative town of Flagstaff, AZ. Where no amount of e-mail harassment produced more than a shriek and/or an attempt at a pleasant "no we really don't want you or anyone else to fuck our bikes, thank you" deferral letter. Until we met the folks at the PhotoBarn. They have been great pimpin' the goods on our behalf and making us feel welcome before we even got to the show!

So much so that they are requesting a 2nd show this Wednesday night, which is pretty encouraging of a very porn-ready community considering this show was only set up a week ago.

photo credit to

November 7, 2009

Sunday Porny Sunday

Having just driven for most of the day along route 666, we were able to get into ABQ with just enough time to catch some BDSM. Our team has 5 VIP passes to all the Pornotopia shows.

So far all the videos have had plenty of porn, however we have noticed that although the porn is very real, they seem to sacrifice some character development. Go figure. Porn without personal interest or backstory is a challenge, but some of the movies showed so much real passion we could almost create a bit of a story out of the actors' behaviors.

Tonight we rally to the "Vintage and Vaudeville - Retro Skin flicks and Sexy Live Acts, Fresh Performances;" we'll see how the locals' performances stack up against our own live show.

More troubling is that the city is still working so hard to keep the show from happening. Due to a strange zoning law, they (and all movie theaters showing R-rated films) are breaking the law all the time. The text on the books says that there can be no female nipple, no butcrack, no genitalia of any sort. Perhaps only Boise was more restrictive. The city said they didn't want any live displays of nudity, but that films showing all matter of sex are okay, for now. The city even bought a handful of passes to check and make sure there was not anything displaying, saying that if there was so much as a wardrobe malfunction they would shut the entire festival down.

Big talk for a city that is actively attempting to deny constitutional rights to the people of Albuquerque. This will be the 1st show where we are not allowed to get as naked as we want!

Still we are planning on having it rock the people. We have already met lots of nice bikers. Including some folks from the "Bike Co-op" and "Two Wheel Drive." We didn't see anyone from Fixed and Free but we are hoping that between all the bike lanes and the folks behind that we can get in some sort of group ride tomorrow!

Bring it ABQ

  • Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound

  • Sunday November 8th

  • The Guild Cinema

  • 3405 Central Ave. NE

  • 5:30pm

a photo credit to

November 6, 2009

durango we hardly knew ye

So with a great deal of sadness, we have accepted that we won't be able to screen BikePorn3 in Durango.

This will be a devastating blow, as we reserved a Saturday for those crazy mofos who hosted what we heard was the greatest sswc for all time.

But as it turns out we are busting our balls and ovaries to make it to Pornotopia in Albuquerque.

Our program of sexy cycling will be shown to the ravenous porn people of Albuquerque Sunday November 8th at 5:30pm.

We hope to be able to unveil our new line of floggers via the folks at Kink Tank in Denver.

Bring it!

November 4, 2009

Ho(ly) Abs in Moab

Moab, the land of slickrock (which is actually very tacky), reminds us of some similar experiences in the shower...

Friday November 6th
2951 S. Desert Rd
Moab, UT
$5 suggested donation

On-street car parking only. If you want to ride the sweet bus meet at Chile Pepper at 6pm. They will haul you, and your bike, to the party!

That is right, we said "party." Following the show, we are gonna have a massive party and BBQ and sundries! Enjoy!

That blog title was pretty much a stretch even for us. How about you suggest something with more brilliance?

November 1, 2009

Look at the size of the (genetalia shapped) Fruita


For over a year we have been trying with great... uh, whatever the opposite of success is, to get a screening in one of the most underrated lands of epic singletrack.

Our friends at Hot Tomato Cafe (who we found courtesy of the venerable and talented Dr. Doom) were very willing to help, if only they weren't remodeling their pizzatorium. Then there was the unnamed would-be pro-women cycling group whose response to the idea of acknowledging the sexuality of cycling was as visceral and ignorant as a South Carolina Senator. So what's a pornographer to do?

Turn to the bike shops. Those mechanix who use tools everyday to lube, stretch, pound, and ream those objects of freedom and desire deserve it.

Thus our quest was not fruitless!

  • Wednesday November 4th
  • Over The Edge Sports
  • 202 E. Aspen Ave.
  • Donations accepted
  • 8pm, mature adults only

Come out and enjoy some refreshing beverages for cheap!

photo credit to FearlessGearless and Chris Pierce


We're taking a refreshing break for a few days. This weekend we have three shows in three days in Moab, Durango (we think?) and Albuquerque so we could use the rest.

An enlightened discussion of bicycle eroticism

For those of you who

A) were at the incredible screening of Cycle Bound this Friday, which included Japanese-style bondage and suspension (pics soon)

B) are interested in the content available on this website

C) consider yourself bikesexually curious

Tonight, Sunday November 1st Denver Kink Tank is hosting a discussion about these and other topics. There has also been rumor of some secret awesome submission that Denver is hoping to produce for next year's program. We're so excited we just can't hide it.

Kink Tank
Sunday, Nov 1st
Sugar Mountain

(2670 E. 13th Ave.)

Photo stolen without mercy from 45x15