March 31, 2010

Tickling up the Atlantic's top tube


Thanks be to NC, we are gracious to accept the wonderful southern comfort of all the sexy bikers of this land.

Free hot dawgs, cool people, great powerful legs...

This Friday our final screening south of the Mason-Dixon line in RVmuthafuckinA

4/2/2010
The Byrd Theater
2908 W Cary Street
Richmond, VA
11:59:00
$5, +18 yr old


photo by Courtney Rodgers

Happy Rub Up Against Your Saddle Day



Intriguing... just what does pass as an "appropriate corporate april fools joke" these days? On one hand we are amused by this seemingly innocent offering onto the world of bike-sexuality. On the other hand we are offended by the lack of visual display. Could we please see Uranus in action?

If only Perl Izumi knew all the things we do to their products on film!

If you are excited to up the ante, your opportunity to create wonderful explicit works of bikesexuality is here!

ReMembering Jacsonville



Here are some pictures and random memories from our final stop in Florida:


There was bikes and sexual perversion... IT WAS GREAT!

Behold, our hosts and performers who are probably both mostly hetero in their sexual persuasion totally giving it up for each other following an epic transformation of the Zombie Bikes new space into a micro theater and venue for rad music.

awesome.


This was probably the most well received screening since we left Salt Lake!

It was a strange screening in many ways. The audio was just quiet enough that people had to listen intently, but just loud enough that people could hear the great commentary from the crowd.



"RIDE THAT SHIT!"

"More jizz!"

Put it in her bottom bracket!"

It was a pretty spectacular night, with outstanding hosts (even though most all of our hosts have been outstanding, which technically speaking does not seem possible).

We had a polo court that was built that day and had lights and scaffolding from a volunteer who drove over an hour just to play a few games.


There was low to no cost beer, which flowed with sustained fortitude for most of the evening.



Of course that particular social lubricant doesn't hurt when you are talking about making friends and strangers watch erotic movies in public together.



But even without this alcohol we think that the Jacsonville crew would have been absoultly stoked about what they saw.

The evening capped with a pair of live bands who totally made the people rock out as they striped and sang and dance until they lost their collective zombie minds.


photo credit to David W. of Jaxscene

Now then... get ready for CycleSLAUGHTERaMAMA, where we are playing the the legion of bike punks Friday night!


Behold the 1400 seat capacity of the Byrd Theatre

March 30, 2010

Clang Clang Went the Bell in Chapel Hill

We be rocking our way out the South.

But 1st we gonna have to ring Chapel Hill's bell

3/31/2010
Hillsborough Road Co-op
621 Hillsborough Rd.
Carrboro, NC 27510
8pm, $3 suggested donation, +18

what can we say, rocking with one of the worlds craziest tall bike freaks has worn us out something fierce. Thank much to our generous host, Michael Fucking Mooney.


Speaking of absurd mutations, expect about a thousand of the krunkest bike punks to descend on Richmond, VA for what could be the east coast's longest continually running annual festival of crazy bicycle shit.

Cycleslaughterama is this weekend,
Bike Porn Friday night at the Byrd.

do somthin'

March 24, 2010

Bike! Now with more Porn! The Trailer

we are now unofficially associated with Porn Hub.

Well now, apparently it already is making our dick bigger AND ALSO our pussy wet, which is great news to us! So get ready for massive dripping sexual organs all over your keyboard as you behold this, our final answer to the "why does everyone hate bike porn" quandary.


Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound

Not only is their website unlikely to revoke our "member" ship but they have other fine movies

behold this gem: Bike rack

"For every ass the correct wheel"
we guess? Anyone wanna translate that for those of us who fancy themselves speakers of Spanglish?

rollin up the atlantic skirt

Yalls ready to watch us diddle the South's bottom bracket?

here are the next few shows:

Thursday in Savanna
the jock bottom bracket
1408 Barnard St, 31401
10:30, $3-9, 18 and up
w sweet dance party AND/OR
hot bike polo before after

Friday in Atlanta
8pm stripcat race
at Little 5 Points Square

9pm movies
Studio Nine Hundred
900 DeKalb Ave.

$5, for racing, $10 for race and movies, $10 for movies only
DISCOUNT FOR COSTUMES OR LACK OF CLOTHES
mature adults only

Saturday in Asheville
The Mother Ship
594 Emma Road
door at 9pm,
show at 10pm
+18 $7 if you drive, $5 if you bike

Florida reMembered


We are blasting out of America's limp dick like a well lubed condom.

Our big thanks to the mighty hanging wang of Florida whose bikesexual population consisted of great hosts, great audiences, great getting it on and generally experiencing natural wonders from tip to scrotum, er panhandle.

Manhandling such a state with such an impressive electoral college might be intimidating for some, but our intrepid team would not be daunted by size or status. In fact we are developing a hypothesis about if we were prevented from playing Tallahassee due to their state capitol building's pronounced... uh excitement. It could be that bike porn would overwhelm the already incredibly erect and rigid Governor's office.

Perhaps the most beautiful thing about this leg of the tour was how the reputation of the shows preceded us to our next location with such fervor. Having a drooling audience before you even make the introductions is great for our ego so we hope the sexy bike folk of Jacksonville, Sarasota, Orlando, Gainesville, and Pensacola will continue to pressure their friends, family members and random strangers.



keep it flaccid, FL... on to Georgia! (which is tragically without any notable phallus shape)

Get ready for shows in Savannah, Atlanta, Asheville, and maybe Winston-Salem!

March 22, 2010

Bike Porn 3 Trailer

THAT IS FUCKING RIGHT... IT IS FUCKING HERE!

Did you catch that? Even thou Vimeo may destroy several years of hard work with a snap of its fingers and never reply to the dozen emails we have sent asking for ANY sort of response (building a community indeed) we rad porn peeps will persevere!

And so without any further hesitation we present, the full unfiltered, not safe for work and completely awesome
BIKE PORN III: CYCLE BOUND TRAILER












blammo

Let us know what you think in the comments. If this movie didn't work for you (due to some crazy problem that is def ALL YOUR FAULT) dont freak out... yet. Just try this low rez version

edited by nickey robo, gawd bless her heart, labia and bicycle.

March 21, 2010

countdown to sweet PORN!


its coming... in the next 12 hours you will be able to experience the new trailer for bike porn 3.

what will you do with those precious 720 min?
lube job?
furious masturbation?
taxes?

March 20, 2010

Still reactionary!


We have hit our Southeastern most point of the Backlash Tour!

Now it is time to start heading north where we continue our mad rush into radical, sex-positive biker's pants.

We have a lot of great things going for us, but nothing as amazing as word of mouth. We have been getting some pretty outstanding opinions shared with us, the most recent just came in from Orlando:

I wanted to thank you guys for coming through, I honestly couldnt haave imagined the night turning out better. All the films are so beautiful and expose parts (pun intended) of human nature that is usually suppressed or avoided in public discussion. I love being naked and am very body positive and your videos are a reminder and an outlet to all of us body lovin' ladies and gents out there...

You like? Well keep reading this fine commentary by gettitn with the clickitty
Link

If you saw Bike Porn 3 and feel like it was deserving of praise or scorn you should feel free to join the conversation!

March 18, 2010

Call for Entries: Bike Porn 4 PLAY

THIS JUST IN, THE DEADLINE HAS BEEN EXTENDED! Just like an extra cycle we are pushing the limits... how much longer can we haul your procrastinating ass around?

Until May 31st. Then you will be too late to get on the porn bus!

Get ready for action... with your BRAIN!

This is our call for submissions to our 4th year of bikesexual content.

We want to see the human/bicycle condition represented in a new exciting way. We want to have our feelings on sexuality challenged. We want an unprecedented amount of consensual sexual energy!


Click me for improved porn resolution

We love hot people on hot bikes but that is not the totality of Bike Porn. Maybe you can reach deeper. Why are bikes sexy? Show us what happens to your body just before you ride. Show us just after! Can you visually demonstrate the tingle you get?

Or, take it from another perspective. Instead of sexing up a bike, why not create a movie about adding more bicycle to sex!

We want a variety of kinds of bikes too! In the 1st year we had soap box racers. 4 wheels, no drive train... is that even a bike?!? Since then we haven't even had a trike or unicycle. what gives??!!? Diversify already! WHERE ARE MY BUTT BOARDERS AT? There are so many different kinds of cycling... we dont care if you are commuting or recreating, racing or cruising, climbing or bombing, paved streets or bushwacking, for love or money, singlets or unitards we take it all and we want it all!

Also, where are the dudes? We have seen a lot of different people with different genitalia expressing their love of bikes, but as famed stencil artist Tiago deJerk said coming out of the show, "I loved the program so much jizzed into your popcorn when your head was turned, but where is the dick?"* (Loosely translated from Portuguese)

Strong words Mr DeJerk (self incriminating too). To be clear, we love all our bold women but it would be great to see more men inspired to create and share. Even though dudes are frequently able to drop their drawers at a moment's notice there was a lack of proud men willing to show us the goods. As one of our tour peeps sayz every time she tells some poor unsuspecting guy to take his pants off: "DEMYSTIFY THE PENIS!"

The content you submit is ideally (although not necessarily) related to the theme, "4 Play." This theme is for you, the creator, to interpret. Use any media you like although the more original the better.

Moreover any form of artwork on the theme is welcome. Most will be in the form of a totally sweet movie on Mini-DV tape shot in 16x9 cinema ratio. DVDs and VCDs will probably work fines but are more prone to errors. BUT if you are so moved by the ideas of bikes and sex that you want to say, make us a college about bikes and dicks... well we are not in any position to say no.

You have until the 10th of May to put your entry into our headquarters:
CycleBound
C/O Bike Porn Industries
1035 NE Skidmore St
Portland, Oregon 97211

Please include the following info with your submission:
  • movie title
  • year of film's completion
  • director(s), or anyone who deserves props.
  • running time
  • movie synopsis (if you don't write something we may write something for you)
  • What protection do you want? Some people request that a movie is never played in a particular city. Others are hoping to have everyone see the movie. Choose which licenses your work is protected by!

Selected works will be included in the ever-expanding Bike Porn Tour. In the past three years (with hundreds of screenings) no artists have had their work leaked onto any lame porn websites or anywhere else for that matter. This is an excellent opportunity to share your vision with the hungry masses in a safe setting.

The gauntlet is down. You have your walking/biking/humping orders.

Don't wait for the last minute. Make inspiring bike porn today!

March 16, 2010

THE BIGGEST DAY IN THE HISTORY OF BIKE PORN


We dont know how to prepare you for this tremendous news, so we are just gonna blert it out

we just learned that the house show that we are putting on right now is actually only 40 feet away from the infamous Leprichaun Tree

We do not want to cause a stir... but you should probably start rioting.

RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!

Confused? Annoyed? YOU POOR BASTARDS! enjoy the vast hilarity that is your local Mobile, Alabama news broadcast



We may have missed out on the marketing angle the 1st time this came around but you can better believe that we will not let this opportunity slip though our fingers a second time!

just you wait...

You dropped Cola on my penis, well you got Pensacola in my...


We are not SO EXCITED that we just confirmed a show this Wednesday night in Pensacola. AND we are stoked to play some hella tight bike fcukin polo.

Wednesday, March 17th
University of Western Florida Campus
Building 209, Court 3
2100 Campus Drive,
Pensacola, FL 32513
Polo @ 430,
Porno @ 7 pm


Then we are equally thrilled about our bringing it to the next show in Gainesville

Thursday March 18th
The Kickstand
722 South Main Street
8pm, $5 donation, adults only


Friday March 19th
Stardust Video and Coffee
1842 East Winter Park Road Orlando,
8pm, $5 donation, +18
underwear bike ride after + end at a sweet dance party!

Saturday, March 20th
NEW College of Florida
5800 Bay Shore Rd, 34243
in a room called, "TA"
8pm, adults only


THEN WE MIGHT TAKE A BREAK... cause we will have done shows on TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY, FRIDAY and SATURDAY. Will we get a rest? Will we play this amazing show to every radical bike community in Florida? Well that is dependent on the folks in Miami where we think we will play Sunday night.

Then, what... more porn? Fine.

Tuesday March 23rd, Jacksonville
Zombie Bikes 48 W 1ST ST 32206
8pm, $4 -7 sliding scale, 18 and up
with freak bike fashion show! Come check out the goods!

We break out of Florida and it is on to Georgia. Oh and there is some crazy shit coming up in Georgia. Strip Cat bike race deets coming soon!


photo credit to Courtney Rodgers

March 15, 2010

MO PORN IN MOBILE

OH MUY GAWD!

Just when we thought that there was no chance for us to show the good we are totally playing a show in Mobile, Alabama Tuesday night!

for a totally mature viewing and discussion of awesome bicycle erotica

Tuesday, March 16th
Chateau Le Todd
2820 le cren
Mobile, Alabama

Meet up for BikefuckinPOLO AT 7PM,
Screening movies at 830pm

March 13, 2010

Big Hard in (on?) Big Easy

We are just about out of Texas and tho all our hosts were tremendously gracious we are excited to mix it up for a spell. Just two days in Louisiana then another week in Florida (what is up with the size of these states? YOWZA!)

But before we jam through all your retired grandparents bedrooms we have a couple glorious days in New fuckin Orleans!

Tonight we blow this shit out

  • Saturday March 13th
  • Zeitgeist
  • Oretha Castle Haley Blvd.
  • 11pm
  • $10 general/$9 students & seniors/$8 Zeitgeist members
  • +18

Tomorrow polo.

March 12, 2010

We got a Texas-sized "educational model"

We are rolling though Texas and have been making sure we are not packing too much heat.




Not to fear the Bike Porn Tour always has just enough obscene devices. Five "educational models" per person!

March 11, 2010

wino bike lovers choices restricted

One of the classic images of bike porn. This image is ubiquitous. It appears in more ads, bike shops, and timeless posters than any other.

Yet, the image of freedom associated with flying naked with a bike does not go over so well with everyone. Naturally some are offended when beautiful women go naked bike flying.

So much so that a wine maker who uses this image is having its bottles pulled in Alabama.

I don’t care where you live: when it comes to sexual expression, we all live in Alabama.

We are passing thou from the SW to the South. Wish us luck. (actually the South has been better to us than the North or the Midwest so we are pretty fn stoked!)

Gorsh Dorn It, VEEM E HO!

So, we promised you the new trailer.

And we promised you the new info for the call for submissions.

And we have got into the practice of delivering on our promises, so this comes as a bit of painful annoyance...

our account at Vimeo has been suspended for being too sexy.

And it didn't even have any animals or children.

The prudes!

Anyway, we are working double time to try and get our content back since we were a little blindsided by all this.

stand by and await the awesome... patiently

March 10, 2010

Houston About to Get Loaded

We have just about come to the end of our time in Texas.

We have cruised the bars of San Antonio, whacked the Balls of Austin and what is left but to pack some grease in Houston.

NOTE WE ARE NOW OPENING FOR THE DIRTY AS FUCK OG SOUTHERN R
AP STAR BLOWFLY, THUS OUR SHOW HAS BEEN PUSHED BACK TO AFTER 10PM


Friday, March 12th
Supper Happy Fun Land
3801 Polk Street
9pm SHOW HAS BEEN PUSHED BACK TO AFTER 10pm, $8, +17
With the Midtown Dickens (of North Carolina)


Its gonna be a kickass time. Come down and enjoy the happy fun land with us!


check out the sweet lineup!


Houston Organizational Rally for World Naked Bike Ride Day 8pm

http://www.worldnakedbikeride.org

Joe Firstman (Los Angeles) 8:45pm

www.myspace.com/joefirstman

Rock / Acoustic / Alternative

Midtown Dickens (North Carolina) 9:30pm
www.myspace.com/midtowndickens

Folk / Punk / Bluegrass

Beloved Binge (North Carolina) 10:15pm

http://www.myspace.com/belovedbinge

Indie / Pop / Alternative



Photo sent in from Tucson viewer Steev Hise

San Antonio Returns the Flavor

We have been the recipients of some pretty good media coverage over the years. This year's Bike Porn program has pulled people's ears back more than ever, and coincidentally, this article in the San Antonio Current continues the trend of excellent articles that actually get the point of creating a safe space for adults to be adults.

A silent stop-motion called Cyclust kicked off the film programming, and its rainy-day palette and naturalistic girl-on-girl action modified my expectations for the evening. The even-shorter short that followed, Sperm, a clever black-and-white, culminated with the titular cell penetrating a bicycle gear. It wasn’t so weird to watch porn in public.

The “bound” element of the tour’s title became more pronounced in No No No Yes, wherein a boozing, scantily clad woman unlocked her bikefriend — a gentleman with a seat strapped to his back, handlebars to his neck — and proceeded to caress his parts. Ashley Lindstrom

With all the McDonald's Playplaces and similar hypoallergenic areas in the world these days it seems that "child friendly" is the only concern that measures these days. What is missing from this picture of course is that without safe spaces for adults to consider and discuss adult themes people are forced to repress feelings which often results in unpleasant releasing of pent up emotions in inappropriate places.

Thus the prude who steadfastly refuses to even discuss the idea of porn is basically committing themselves to having a tragically awkward time dealing with such matters in the future.

So watch some fucking porn.
http://www.the-scientist.com/2010/3/1/29/1/

For the children. (SERIOUSLY GOOD INFO ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PORN AND SEX CRIMES)


Thanks for Ashley Lindstrom and Noah

March 8, 2010

Finally AUSTIN!


Well you'd think SOMEONE would step up...

And they did! THANK YOU COLD TOWNE!
  • Wednesday March 10th
  • The Coldtowne Theatre
  • 4803-B Airport Blvd.
  • 11pm, $8, Adults Only
  • Bike Burlesque

limited seating, come early and look fabulous!


Then on Friday we got our final show in Texas

HOUSTON!

Last time we came though we recieved such glorious southern hospitality we almost didn't leave. If our reception (and the reaction) in San Antonio last night was any indication hearts are gonna be breakin all over the South!

March 6, 2010

Trolloping across Texas


How is it that our expansive bike porn industries was able to find a venue in Houston and even San Antonio but not in Austin?

We have seen a lot of demand for bike porn in Texas but as is frequently the case where we have lots of people asking to see the show we can't find a venue to show it.

And before you start leaving comments about where we should show here is an ever expanding list of places that have turned us down or ignored our frequent attempts at starting a conversation:

Alamo Drafthouse
Dobie (and consequently all Landmark Theaters)
Hideout
Studio 501
The Long Center
The Salvage Vanguard Theatre
The Coldtowne Theatre

And there are a few more if we bother to remember... Some of the places told us they wanted to do it but couldn't for various reasons, others... well we can only guess they hate bikes sense everyone loves sex right?

But it does beg the question, would ignore Bikes and Sex?

Austin venues.

But the people seem to be clamoring for it. Hope we can accommodate the masses.

But before we get too sad about the supposedly "bike-friendly oasis" that is the Texas state capitol we are grateful and excited to bring the goods to SA for the first time

  • Monday March 8th
  • C 4 Workspace
  • 108 King William
  • San Antonio, TX 78204
  • 7pm, $5, +18

And the beat goes on...

photo credit to
cozy beehive

Inspiring freedom


The infamous naked bikers of the Claremont Colleges displayed skin and mettle when local police decided to get involved during a ride before a screening of Bike Porn 3.
"I think it was excessive and dangerous for him to take me down like that,” Reiss said. “We were non-threatening and…there was no danger until that douchebag officer put his hands on my naked body."

Read the rest of the juicy story from the college paper

March 5, 2010

The blog post to prepare you for an important annoucemnt

This shit is big.

like someone had better fucking call Mario and Luigi big.

On Tuesday, March 9th we will release the new Bike Porn 3 Trailer.

Yes, we understand you are possibly overwhelmed at the notion. For the past 3 years we have only had one promotional trailer for each program of independently made erotic bicycle movies. But before you decide that this shit is too big to handle forcing you to abandon your home in a panic you should instead on hold on for another quick minute cause there is more important info yet to come. First we apologize for squatting on it for so long. (long time readers will note how we despise that behavior in others) We had plans to do lots of things with with this video. We wanted to chop it into smaller web sized chunks, possibly tease the audience for a while... but really it is so glorious it just needs to be seen by everyone who wont get fried for watching hot bike sex.

And actually some of you really SHOULD get fired for watching Bike Porn at work. Besides being hilarious you would might enjoy the new freedoms associated with having been "terminated for excessive bikesexuality at work" (because we all know excessive bikesexuality never inhibits performance).

Its important to note that because we don't have any DVDs out there (not only do we not sell DVDs but we also dont send screeners to theaters, meaning there are NO dvds out there). This is in order for us to:

A) protect the anonymity of the pornographers and
B) force the audience to engage BikePorn in a setting where they can talk to their peers and
C) meet sexy fucking bikers

But as if that is not exciting enough, not only will you get to see Miss Nicky Robo's how new queer eyed take on Bike Porn 3 Cycle Bound, but you will also learn: THE THEME AND DEADLINE FOR NEXT YEAR'S BIKE PORN!

Imagine! You! In your own porn! That you create! And is shared with 1000s of people in intimate screenings! And you never have to worry about it being online! So you are totally protected from your grandparents ever seeing it on youtube!

So many people have been talking about making Bike Porn for us, and of course we couldn't be happier. Its our charge to bring it to the vast horny bike audiences out there. And we do.

Now get out there and friggin flip your shit out!

TUESDAY! MARCH 9th!

CRAP!

photo credit to
http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com/2007/04/
http://cristianpenas.deviantart.com/art/The-Legend-of-Peach-87673694

March 2, 2010

"Raising" Arizona

Three hot shows complete with sweet dance parties, mutant bike rides, and more all this week in Arizona!

Wednesday, March 3rd
Tempe

Harkins Valley Art 509 South Mill Avenue APPARENTLY THEY ARE A "FAMILY ESTABLISHMENT"

Show has moved to
TRUNK SPACE
1506 NW Grand Ave
Phoenix, AZ 85007
Doors @ 7pm, $7, 18+
underground afterparty

Thursday, March 4th
Tucson
The Boxing Gym
1080 N Contzen in Barrio Anita
8pm, $5, adults only
Bike Ride to Leave Old Main @ UofA at 7pm


Saturday, March 6th
Bisbee
Spooky Tooth's Electric Bike Rental,on the big holodisplay
63 Brewery Gulch,
7pm $5 donation adults only
Old Bisbee freak bike race - 4pm

Tuck (it in,) Son

A good friend told me in order to spell Tucson correctly you should say Tuck Son, making me think of the times when our collective genitalia was wagging around without worry.

a memories... And so we have FINALLY got a show in TUCKSON!


Thursday March 4th

The Boxing Gym
1080 N Contzen in Barrio Anita
8pm, $5, adults only

Bike Ride to Leave Old Main @ UofA at 7p



image stolen without permission from alexbcthompson

March 1, 2010

How do deal with lame, would be venue types

This seems an all too common example of what our team has to go though to get people to think about screening bike porn

from an operative in Southern California:

I explained to him that it's a series of films rated from X to R to PG and that you're not in all of them (if any).

He then asked if there was homosexuality and I said, "Probably, but not every short film...it's a collection from a bunch of people and the only thing in common is the theme bike porn. It's not just sex, it's more exploration and freedom. You heard of critical mass? [He hadn't] and I said, "1,000s of people naked on bikes, to be free, have fun? [Nothing from him]. Well, it's not all straight."

Ted: "Oh, I thought it was like a fetish film"

Me: "I guess, kind of, but not entirely..It's on its third year, but I'm not sure. It's not bad, it's fun, a good time with nudity."

Ted: "Is there going to be intercourse?"

Me: "Probably, but that's not the focus of it, well not the last bike porn tour. I watched close to 2 hours of it, it was good. Not all sex, but it'll be there."

Ted: "Oh, how are we going to make money? You understand my reservations, when you use the word "porn"..

Blah, blah, blah, whatever [more excuses about why he just got all sketchy over sex]...I lost interest at this point and just alpha stared him into what I hope was a calm submissive mindset. He was pretty amped up so I gave him the "it's no big deal we-don't-need-you-suckah secret vibe b/c if you're going to be an uptight muthereffin prick Phil won't want to share it with you and we don't need you...others in other cities wanted this show w/ a dash of we're all sitting at the cool kid cafeteria table and I'm about to exclude you permanently if you don't chill"
Kudos secret operative. Keep up the fight. Remember everyone, whether you are dealing with existing cinema or you are creating a theaters from scratch, its a pain. It takes longer than you expect, and some shit will go wrong. Thats why we have this helpful guide to hosting a Bike Porn screening.