March 26, 2012

Media Monday: Capisco Fuck Bikes

puerco velo?

Time for an Italian Fleshback to end all fleshbacks, Milan

We only had 6 days in Italy, including 5 shows in 4 cities. No small challenge traveling two thousand kilometers, across mountain ranges and other fabulous curves.

This is only Friday night people, stand by next week for the second half our amazing Italian adventure... Bike Smut Milano part 2: Biche? Fuck-a you!

March 21, 2012

Quatable Quotient

We get a bit of fan mail now and again, and although we frequently remind them that they can post their thoughts in the comments for all to see (thus actually helping our cause) they are usually shy or lazy or both.

Due to these frequent scenarios we have decided to quote them (when appropriate) and provide this living document to the internets for consideration

 I realy enjoyed what your doing and it changed the way the I think about about porn and sexuality so KEEP IT UP! Dan Morton - Bethlehem, PA

"I like just getting on my bike and riding, I love the adrenaline rush of a long sprint out, or a sharp technical descent. I like the excuse to play in the mud. I like that it's a sport that mates man with machine without the machine doing all the work. I like that it's a
sensible part of the solution to urban transportation."
PJ - Montreal, QB 

It was perfect: Boy meets girl. Boy falls for girl. Boy straps on dildo. The rest is history. From his hard chest to his hairy legs to his cute angel face, the boy was every girl's dream. I'm not sure everybody in the theater really understood until a little later in the
film that what they figured for a dude had once been a chick and just might consider themselves neither at this point. Talk about a teaching moment."
  Scott Rice  -  Seattle Gay News

"If you cant knock yourself unconscious with no2, i guess you have a problem with consciousness."  Bicycle Jesus - Seattle, WA

 Thanks for the kind and usually relevant words! If you have seen a program and want to share your thoughts you can leave a comment. It does a lot more for us to have your opinions stated publicly than to send us a private email. So what are you afraid of? Will someone find out that you like bikes? sex?

March 19, 2012

Media Monday: Annie fucking Sprinkle

Stand back for mind-explodingly good news.

The goddess of better porn, Annie Sprinkle is bringing her lush sex garden to Cascadia.

If you were not paying attention to the advancement in good porn over the past few decades you might not know of her fabulous sexploits. Her Public Cervix Announcement helped people understand one of the most mysterious places on Earth.
The short resume reads like this: Annie Sprinkle was working in the box office at a theater that was busted for playing Deep Throat; she met the director; sold her body for sex, porn and performance art; wrote some books including "Post-porn modernist: my 25 years as a multimedia whore", she got a PhD in sex and has sense traveled the world sharing art and lecturing on human sexuality.

But being an independent, self-made woman of the world she was not content to just rest on her haunches. What good would it be to live comfortably in a fortress of pleasure if the rest of the planet is burning with unquenched desire? Thus, Annie Sprinkle made it a point to carry on with the sexual healing of the world by fucking the world over; she has just completed a 7 year series of art weddings to the Earth.

People think of the earth as ‘Mother Earth’. But today Earth is so battered, abused, blown-up, exploited, ripped apart and polluted, that she can’t handle the burden of being a ‘Mother’ anymore. It would be better to think of the Earth as a ‘Lover’ because we take care of our lovers instead of expecting them to take care of us.
You can imagine how excited we were to hear that the sex-positive feminist legend was coming to Portland and wanting to partner up with some environmentally forward perverts! That's us! Sweet!

So it is our esteemed privilege to announce Annie Sprinkle is coming in Portland!

Tuesday April 10th
Hollywood Theater - 7:30 - $12
My Life & Work as a Feminist Porn Activist, Radical Sex Educator and Ecosexual, a show and tell lecture covering 40 years of experience in sexual education

In addition to the glory that is Dr Sprinkle attendees will be able to learn about some of the local resources for "Do it better" adult living, including:

The Lotus Heart Center, an an actual building in Portland (so much sex positive stuff is internet only) that offers classes and rentals for events.

Sex Love & Spirit is a meta group of some of the various sex positive groups in Portland. Pretty handy if you are wanting to find a deeper connection without pedals, saddles and grips. They are hosting

As You Like It, a body/environmental/gender-less positive sex store catering to the ethical demands of the most discerning vegan, tree-hugging tranny. Join their founder, Kim on a walking Ecosexual hike down the Clackamas River with Annie Sprinkle which sounds pretty beautiful.

March 15, 2012

Wear the Rubber; Meat the Road

Rubber, ain't it a fabulous thing? This stretchable, inflatable, pro-fa-lack-tic-able material can provide the traction you need to grip the road, the resilience to trudge though piles of broken glass and mysterious debris, and the "pneumatic-ness" to absorb impacts so your body can be more comfortable*

Its a pretty grand thing that we get a wide variety of shapes and sizes to fit our various sizes and behaviors.  Yet, with all the focus on how we get around we often forget to consider the surface we are rubbing up against.

One person has made it his mission to get the residents of Oregon to think about their rubbers and what the outcome is. Jeff Benards' personal quest is to save the highway millions via a voter approved initiative that would ban studded tires.

"Studded tires are only used by 16% of drives yet cost ALL Oregonians hundreds of millions of dollars in road repair expense.  Studdless snow & ice tires outperform studded tires in a wider variety of winter driver conditions" Jeff Benards, founder Preserving Oregon Roads
An Oregon Legislative Fact sheet states that in 2004 Oregon Dept. of Transportation spends estimated 11 million per year repairing damage caused by studded ties. But this is just the tip of the iceberg, as the damage caused by studded tires is far greater than what ODOT is able or willing to spend on repairs. Their estimation is that studded tires cause 50 million dollars of damage to Oregon roads and highways every year.


We are not the kind of organization to harp on automotive issues, or even local politics. But the origin of our roads stems from the organized cyclists of the late 1800s who demanded more smooth surfaces to ride on. Some claim that it is a restriction on their personal freedom of expression. We think there are still plenty of creative ways of expressing your admiration for studs that doesn't cost your neighbor so much.

Our roads are in peril again! So far volunteers have gathered approximately 8,000 signatures but they will need another 80,000 to get it on our ballot.

Join the fight to keep it safe and smooth.

*in the event that you are talking about sex with condoms this might not be quite accurate

March 12, 2012

Media Monday, Remembering Munchen

Fuck me, (not just a happy suggestion anymore) we have been getting lots of great press but we are often less than... uh, motivated to write about people who write about people, who show movies by people who think its great to make movies about bikes and sex. It just feels like too much of an abstraction at some point.

Basically, we normally have to be in the right mood, but like any good porn star we are certain we can fake it and you (our generally mute readers) will have to suffer the consequences. And so we have decided that every Monday (cause ya know, it the start of the getting down to business week) we are gonna put on some soothing music, light a few candles, pour a few bottles of wine and yell "SHUT THE FUCK UP, IM TRYING TO WRITE IN MY FUCKING BIKE BLOG" to anyone who comes to complaining about the working conditions in their noisy, dimly lit, smoky cubicle next to mine.

Behold, The Munich (Munchen) Bike Smut News!

What's that? you dont speak German? Bavarian even?!? Well never fear, from our epic view of the internet we have found a special "website" that takes this devil foreign tongue and chops it into easy to consume bite sized chunks of Engrish.

Behold, Google translate

Careful with all that learning you got gong on.  Next week, (assuming we can keep this weekly column working for more than one week) we return to Milan!

March 5, 2012

Gigi Malibu: Coming Home

We have been working at "being home" for more than two weeks. Its a strange situation when we are weirded out by not traveling. We have gotten so accustom to being on the move that we hardly know how to stop. But then Cascadia is a beautiful place with lots of beautiful people and we have glorious ways of being reminded of this fact. Below is a pretty good example. After touring with international bike-dance sensation, Gigi Malibu we have a new appreciation for what it means to be on point.
Pdx is good. It's such a mecca of, well, pdx-ness! In a good way of course. I appreciate it in many ways, appreciate many things actually, after being gone from pdx for 10 out of the last 14 months, and those 4 months in town were living in a warehouse. I'm thankful for the simple things, which I'm sure you too are also missing, like my OWN MATTRESS!!!, my own bike (ok, you have your bike, but I haven't had mine...), the Asian markets, onsite laundry, a shower (the warehouse didn't have a shower), vegan gluten-free chocolate chip cookies, lots of bike parking, New Seasons, New Seasons employees, omg...NEW fuckin' SEASONS, and and and. I feel really grateful right now. It's nice to honor the seemingly "mundane". It puts excitement back into the mix. I'm working again, taking on some temp part-time stuff as well, in the process of transferring my finances to a credit union, have almost completed my downsizing from a 900 sq.ft. apartment to a modest 150 sq.ft. room and have therefore donated most of my (unnecessary) belongings and by Sunday will be storage unit FREE, and am keeping active with cross training, biking, and case you were worried! ;)

Anyway, just wanted to say hi. I was really glad I got to see you again before leaving Europe. A lot of people have asked "how was it traveling with Phil?" and they don't mean that in a mean way, but they're curious, because you do have your "reputation", so to speak. So I am really proud to tell them how on it you are, and that you are doing it, and are manifesting your desire to act out this random, crazy project of yours, and that you never complain, and you made sure we were all taken care of, and I'm happy to report all of that, and I thought you'd be happy to hear that that is what I'm reporting. It's always nice to know when people are saying nice things about you, yet we rarely get to hear those nice things directly because we aren't there, so there you from the source.

Hope your covered wagon is windin' 'cross the prairie.

"wagon train go windin' 'cross the prairie
onward through the storm and gale.
Towards the land of dreams
 trudge the old ox teams.
Down the Oregon Trail."

I had to sing that in the 3rd grade...

Traveling with  Gigi was something special. Dazzling neon colors, multiple jump ropes and her plucky attitude kept our spirits high and focused on sharing joy with strangers from all over.

We would not be surprised if generations from now this image appeared in a dictionary under "on lock down"

Thanks Gigi! Hope we can travel together again!

March 1, 2012

Exerpt on the Explicit - A brief look at the Etymology of XXX

Seeing as the business we bicycle-pornographers have got ourselves into, that of the 'sexually explicit' and in-turn, the censored, is so heavily based on the letter 'X'. Then noting our clever re-appropriation of the forbidden letter for this years theme of our film festival, Bike Smut 6: Turning Trixxx, we thought it might be smart to look a bit deeper into the origins of the letters exclusivity.

Given the long list of 'dirty' or tantilizing words with the aforementioned letter within them (i.e. sex, explicit, exposure, excitment, exhibitionist, minx, vixen, exotic, buxom, or ....taxes?) we had always kind of brushed the roots of the XXX aside. It's the forbidden/ not allowed/ stay the fuck out letter. But there are good X's out there too! X marks the spot, or the roman numeral 10, for example, and not every x word is suggestive. What about xylophone!

Our talented illustrator and our teams only amateur etymologist, Son of Son decided to spend a little time looking into the matter. This is what he came up with.

There are many ideas on the origin of the triple x, but its fair to say the symbol is ancient, fundamental and a very basic communication. I hereby offer up a few interpretations. I like to think there is much overlap, that the fields of meaning merge. That the paths this simple signal outline are a hint at a pattern in the ways human animals think and react, The truth of the matter is that nobody knows… 

Wikipeadia tells us that the xxx was and is used as an insignia of strength or proof. The letter "X" is used on some beers, and is thought to mark beer strength, with the more Xs the greater the strength. the same being true of spirits or indeed moonshine. One x denoting weak alcohol levels, two denoting medium with three being the best you can get.

In the ancient alphabet of the runic futhark, the x, is the signal of gebo, meaning gift or love. It makes perfect sense to me that it would have been used in the sacred grouping of three to denote the totality of merriment, mirth and other wonders that come from the demon booze. We all know how much the norse like a drink now don't we?

A punk subculture know as 'straight edge' emerged in the 1980s as a backlash to the hedonistic, often violent punk scene. It involves differing degrees of abstinence from vice. For example alcohol, tobacco, promiscuous sex and drugs. Supposedly the x symbol came into use from the cross that would be penned onto the back of the hand of an underage attendant to a show involving the serving of alcohol. This, in context with the straight edge movement become a sort of badge of honor and was also shown in triple.  

Another interesting occurrence of the three signals is in the flag of Amsterdam. St. Andrews Cross, is said to represent Amsterdams three dangers. Flood, fire, pestilence. Funny to think now, that in a place most heavily associated with the legalization of vices, how the flag could now be interpreted. 

Alcohol leads to sex. I don't think many people need reminding that drinking aids our ability to 'get it on' and this leads nicely into the triple x in censorship and pornography. Screenonline tells us that the x certificate was brought about in 1951 to tackle the surge in films containing much stronger adult-oriented themes. It was later decided that the 'x' was far to suggestive and was eventually changed out to the 18 cert/ NC-17. It can be assumed that the bringing in of extra x's was in a similar vein to its use in alcohol. The adult industry re-appropriating censorship as proof of how taboo or lewd their material is. 

Well, thank goodness thats all cleared up! We hope this provides some insight and perhaps some inspiration for a submission to Bike Smut 6. (you have until May 6th!!!!) Thanks for the research Son of Son, now get back to drawing anal rainbows.