June 8, 2013

Willy Wonker and the Obscenity Factory

Recently a particular bicycle pornographer's "wang" was held on high on some other bike related website "above the fold" as it were.

Witnessing the torrent of comments has often been an exciting pastime for those who fully endorse the culture of hating. This proved to different, as some were lauding the lasciviousness while others were judgmental of the junk and those who would share it.

To respond Bike Smut's crack team of investigators spent nearly a quarter-hour trying to capture the image as it was seen on most people's computers.

Did you miss that? We have heard this pornographer's penis might be too small for legal action, but no topic is too small for the determined people who are clearly the only ones "thinking of the children" while reading about bicycle pornography.

To assist those who could not see the 16 x 19 image (so small it, in fact, broke tumbler) our team worked for nearly another eighth of an hour to digitally enhance the #offensivePenis.  If you are reading this on your work computer at work with your boss looking over your shoulder just looking for a reason to fire you then you will probably loose your job in 3, 2, 1, and

Yr fired.

Bike Smut should stop there, but since we are not beholden to the shameful nature of patriarchal society, we are about to share with you an even larger version of this monstrosity. Using the powers of Blogger (whom at this very moment are inventing a new form of technology that will make this blog less accessible) we have expanded this image to nearly its full potential. Were you to ride your bike naked in Portland tonight you might experience this horror...

Nevermind if you are at home or even already masturbating in the bathroom, if you look at this image everyone you know will certainly loose their jobs. You have been warned...

Trying to track the unemployment caused by this event is no small task. Driven to learn about transportation and forced to examine genitalia for hours, the vast number of Portland's "wonks" (aka "transportation advocates") will likely all be unemployed within the hour, but that is not the worst of it. Unemployment could reach an all time high this weekend. The Internet is about to become a flurry of naked bikers as torrents of photos plague the otherwise diligently working population of Portland.

Our economic-bikesexual industry correspondent, Ali Blubal, warned of a potential "end of times" style economic downturn.
We are really flirting with disaster because while sure, those peni and cliteri are flaccid now what happens when they catch a little breeze? Will they stay limp? If not the situation could turn ugly.  or will there be a photograph of We don't know if it will be just a small bump, a serious pothole or if the economy is actually going to plummet into a vast nether regional abyss.

Possibly the only way to turn this situation around would be for the Mayor to declare a state of naked emergency. At that point Charlie Hales would have a few options, he could try to tell the police to use their batons to fight back the erect penises, but a more progressive idea is to actually embrace the penal onslaught. Could hiring all the underemployed photographers jump start the flailing economy?
 Perhaps, but we expect the economy to spiral causing more people to give up their jobs, and those people having no money will likely turn to naked cycling for entertainment, which of course will cause more people to loose their jobs. We may witness the end of capitalism before the end of the summer.

Thankfully Bike Smut is about to unveil their 2-step recovery program for those affected by the OffensivePenis. Details are still be worked out but it goes a little like this.

1 comment:

faster harder more