Plotting a course to Porn Part 2

With the Chain Whip Tour complete the Bike Smut Industries would love to take a break but as there are countless screaming bikesexual infidels on the verge of an emotional collapse for lack of erotic bike culture we simply cannot slow down.

Thus we priming the chambers that shall hold our impressive tubes.

After our Mini Bike Winter Opening Gala (including a DIY Stencil Station, "Should bikes save the planet?" panel discussion and a lineup of excellent bike movies including a great documentary on Victoria, BC's own Velo Vixens.


Then on Monday the 15th we kickoff the Backlash Tour by hosting a lecture and screening in Eugene. Then on Tuesday the 16th we are working with the Ashland Bike Polo Society to put on a screening in a warehouse. (HELP! We still need chairs!)

Then we bust a nut into California and show the goods at the Bike Kitchen in Sacramento on Wednesday. Then mix it up with the folks of Davis on Thursday (we think they will pull it together) then we return to the Roxie Theater to do 2 BIG shows in San Francisco on Friday and Saturday Feb 19th-20th.

Oakland? Santa Cruz? You are both on the bubble.

Ready and willing are the various students of Pitzer College. Last year their exuberance included a naked ride (which has become a regular activity) a camping trip, and a variety of other pubic displays.

We plan to be invading their space February 24-26th or so.
Then into central Los Angeles, playing a show at the TOW on Saturday and hitting up the Long Beach Art Theater on Sunday, Feb 28th.

Then we sprint all the way down to San Diego for a show on March 1st. It may be dubious that we get to play Tijuana but there is always a possibility.

We will tell you about our next leg soon. But if you are in the south you are on notice!

If you have a calendar feel free to mark it. Oh, here you go: http://bikesmut.com/schedule.html Still in development, but pretty keen eh?

Vancouver REmembered

How does it feel to be loved by cascadia? Well bookstores are awesome and frequently have zines and they are also awesome.


And tall bikes seem to be pretty common/porn worthy





When it lived in NYC this was quite possibly the fastest tall bike in the city. Now its just back to probably being the fastest tall bike in a Vancouver garage. Pretty tarck worthy, with big gears, bladed carbon fork, light stiff steel, and enough height that you only have to worry about the side view mirrors on delivery trucks clipping your handlebars.you can also see the head tube is also bladed for extra reinforcement. We used to have those similar spinergy Sprox wheels that are made with noodle like spokes of kevlar. A special tool is required to true the wheels (naturally, fuckers)


We didnt't go inside this place with glowing meats, and dancing pigs but we hear its BIG. instead we picked up material at DressSew just down the street. A new screen for projecting movies onto will be available soon!



you have a dirty mind, that is why you came to this blog. its ok to admit it.



actually we were able to make some decent coin off our little show in Vancouver. Great turnout and lots of excited bikers wanting to make some of their own bike porn! But yea the Olympics are still pretty fucked.

Thanks Vancvouver!

Pictures from Victoria soon,

PreBacklash Cascadian Bikesmut Tour Report

WOW! incredible shows!

thanx Vancouver and Victoria!

man, we love getting sporty and active but the Olympics are totally fucked!

We are stunned that we could be fined $10,000 for not wearing the right clothes! any signs, buttons or displays of anything that not "celebrating" the Olympic games. any sponsors that are not the Official Sponsors.

and specifically bend over for the IOC. The International Committee for Olympic Profit-Motivated DoucheBaggery.





a bit of a media day in downtown Vancouver BC...



but sport is totally alive! It doesn't require a lot of money, or even matching shirts (although they are way cool.)



Sports can be fun without having to exploit resources or evict people. In fact sports are often more enjoyable when you just leave people where they are.




mobetta Brittish Columbia photo journaljizm coming soon!

Touring Porn Stars Need Your Help

ZOWIE! Only Two weeks until we head off on the next great bike porn adventure,

THE BACKLASH TOUR

Did we mention we are setting up 50 shows in 100 days? Not like "one hundred days from now we have to start working on this." No we have to play a show ever other night for 3 months. Who on earth will be willing to join us?

Moreover just booking all these shows is pretty insane. Seriously, touring musical bands have nothing on us. Bands probably have more equipment, but for every new filmmaker that is born there is a theater that dies, or at least it feels that way. And while almost any home can be converted into a space where a few dozen people stand and bop their heads... there are just not many micotheaters out there.

Since we are busting our collective reproductive organs to bring you the greatest collection of sexually charged bicycle video the world has ever known we figured it would be nice for you to help us find the right place to show Bike Porn.

So if you want the Bike Porn Tour to come to your town here are the questions we'd like you to consider

• Do you have any contacts at the various college/universities? Student clubs can request funds, pay us directly (in the biz they call it a "guarantee") and have a theater space set up with the A/V dialed in! Choice!
• How many seats do they have? What is their seating capacity? (For example, a music venues usually don't have more than a couple dozen chairs)
• What are the audience's distractions while watching a 90min movie? Light and noise pollution should be considered. Some places have live music in the adjacent room, or at a club next door, for example. It doesn't have to be absolutely dark and quiet, but make sure you have made those considerations.
• Do they have speakers, amps, a receiver, projector and cables in the room or will we have to set that up? We carry some of this equipment but setting up can be a challenge. FYI we usually use a miniDV deck with composite RCA (yellow, red, white) cables.
• Does the venue have an stage area in front of the screen that we can use for the live performances? There is singing and dancing and you will love it!
  
• How committed is the venue to bikes and sex? How about their patrons? Would they be willing to send out an announcement to help pimp it?
• What costs are there? Rental? Split? Donation? How will we collect funds?
• After the show where can we crash? There are usually 3-6 sexy bikers who need to sleep sometimes. Help us avoid dying in a flaming auto collision. We aren't some touring band ya know. (nothing against touring bands who want to die in a flaming car wreck, its just not our scene)
  

If you have thought of all that and want us to come to your city email bikesmut@gmail.com and let us know you got this. Eventually we will ask you to have this info:

• Date
• Venue Name
• Venue Address
• Time
• Cost of Admission
• Age Restriction (+18? +21?)
• Additional Info (e.g. "bike ride to venue leaving from X-place at Y-time")

When you complete this kit and confirm with us we will send you a flier of your very own! Tell all your friends! Be the 1st kid on your block to host Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound. Get your parents permission... it's fun to watch their expression!



Okay that should cover it. We are very grateful for your help. You can now see why we need great people in every city we play.

Auto Ass Fixy Nation

The time will come when all this "promotion of an independently created film festival trying to encourage cycling and make bikers more aware of issues and ideas regarding sex" will turn into just a lot of ranting about shit that is only barely related.

Today we take another step in that unavoidable direction.

We are frequently are told to inform the public about ideas regarding other forms of transportation.

Regardless, we are not all the interested in Car Porn. It's not that we are opposed to getting dirty with machines, but we like the grease more than the soot. Moreover, car's are possibly the MOST common, MOST inhuman thing out there. They do not play well with others and it seems the majority has just accepted that collisions will kill 46,000 people in the United States every year.

Sure, we had our share of wild automotive flings back in the day, but that was a college thing.

Of course, given the nature of the internets PLUS some not-horribly-impressive DIY creativity someone was bound to help those poor car fuckers who could not help themselves:

The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You need the following equipment:

1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.

If you don't have one, you can get one through me (Dekhyr,
[redacted]) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated, it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case, it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with.

To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie',
a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good deal of them at a local discount-type store.

Read more here

Its not our place to judge one kink over another. As they say: different strokes. We have seen gay cars, consensual bicycles on motor cycles, and most every kind of car "topped" by a variety of butch mountain bikes. But everyone has a breaking point. An idea that takes us from, "well that's ok, if you are into that kind of thing" to "someone call Department of Stopping Fucked-up Shit!"

We feel the need to draw the line on violent forced motorized fellatio upon other, more vulnerable forms of transportation.

No.

This. Must. Stop.

Now.

We've told you damn beasts for years. Consent is sexy. When will you learn!?!?


Just to prove we haven't gone totally prude on you we should disclose that we have been flirting with the idea of mass transit porn, but bridge porn seem so much more... mature.



Well maybe a bunch of bikers crossing the bridge is not sexy as sticking your dick inside a tailpipe, but then again maybe we should let the succinct Andy Singer describe why we think bikes are almost alway more sexy than cars.

We say enough Auto-asphyxiation!

There is enough car porn out there, and we only have two weeks until the Backlash Tour heads South!

Lets get back to the promoting the positive, to pimping the good, to sharing the tightest biker shorts ever! Yes it is time to pump our asses all over town.

Join the Bike Porn Tour (again)

Think you have what it takes to be part of the Bike Porn Tour?

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT SOLDIER!


Can you strike up a conversation with total strangers and pimp bikes and sex?

Can you deal with being inside a confined space for hours at a time with the same people?

Do you posses a license to drive?

Do you possess a moderate understanding of the Engrish Language and can you use that to further the Bikesexual Industry?

Can you keep your belongings organized? Can you keep your shit together? (literal and figurative interpretations apply)

Do you know shit about A/V electronics, projectors, selling merchandise, saying "no" to people, saying "yes" to people,

Do you like to pose for the camera? Can you get others to pose for you?

Can you live without making money, sleeping on floors and couches?

Do you urn to ride your bike all over the fucking place?

Can you wake up and get shit done after rocking hard all night? Every night? For 100 nights in a row? (you can't, so don't lie) We will take a few breaks, but expect to have a show most nights. If you frequently get lost and your friends are pissed at you because they spent a couple days of the vacation looking for you, this is probably the wrong tour. We have a schedule so tight we are crapping diamonds. (Thanks Ferris B.)




TO APPLY

Email and explain who you are and why the hell you want to come on this tour:
bikesmut@gmail.com

Applications are due Wednesday, February 10th at 5pm. The Backlash Tour leaves PDX on Monday, February 15th and returns no later than June 2010.

Compensation is based on performance. We will be selling everything we can to pay our way. Benefits will include: new friends, sexy fun, a big adventure, and a lifetime of memories. This is not a get rich quick scheme, but your compensation should be able to cover your costs depending on your personal budgeting.

REPEAT: This is a shit ton of fun and amazing way to see the country. This is not a very good way to make money. Most of your needs will be taken care of (housing, food, booze). After those costs are paid the most we usually have left are the blurry scarred memories... however, after the last tour we were able to privde a small bonus to our crew.

SHOULDBikesSaveThePlanet

Yalls remember back when we were warning you to fucking prepare for the radness of Mini Bike Winter? Perhaps you even got a personal invitation to come and enjoy the fun? Well you got just 12 days to get your butts to Portland.

This year in conjunction with our "officially unreleased theme" for Bike Porn 4 we wanted to making something that was gonna stimulate your brains more than ever. So it is with great anticipation we proudly announce:


Yes, this shit is real.

And it is happening in Portland.

And you are invited.

You dont need any money, you dont need to be 21 or older (being over 18 would make us more comfortable tho), you dont even need to ride a bike but if you do your chances of not going home alone increase by orders of magnitude. Similarly if you bring us a beer, make some intelligent commentary about the state of transportation infrastructure and make some cool stenciled swag with clothes your brought yourself we will prob swoon.

This is our "cheapest" screening of Bike Porn ever! We will be accepting generous donations which will go to support Mini Bike Winter. The idea is that fun is something people spend way too much money on, and if they only spent less money having fun they could work less and we would have more time to enjoy ourselves. This is what we refer to as the free fun spiral, which when not kept in check quickly leads to unemployment, eviction, and eventually just spending all your time masturbating on your bike under a bridge. (There are no confirmed cases of this yet, we are just assuming since this is what we probably would be doing if not getting paid the big bucks to do it in front of an audience.) But in this case we expect you to just give us a few bucks if you got em and have a great time.

Mini Bike Winter Kickoff Gala
Thursday, February 11th
Lotus Seed
NE 9th and Going

8:30pm

• Panel Discussion: "SHOULD Bikes Save the Planet",

10pm

• Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound - possibly the last Portland screening
  
• World Premiere, "MBW09 in 10 Min" by Jon Huey
• US Premiere, "Velo Love" a documentary of the Velo Vixens by Lauren Warbeck

All night

• DIY stencil station. BYO threads and invent your own brands.

On Friday crazy fun shit happens, on Saturday crazy fun shit happens, on Sunday crazy fun shit happens, and then on Monday... fuck Mini Bike Winter, the Backlash Tour will have begun! We are packing up all the fun and hitting the road, se ya suckers! Enjoy 3 more months of gloom!

Until then, the best reason to ride a bike in the winter in Portland is upon us!

Rejoice!


WE SAID REJOICE!

Internal Experssion 4

Plotting a Course to Porn Part 1

Looking into the future of bike porn can be an exciting and even terrifying experience. Will there be blood? ritual sacrifice? pierced taints?!?

What we can know is where we are planning on going. Starting in 2010 we have the most daring Bike Porn Tour yet. Over 10 thousand miles long across 35 states, 6 providences and a few countries.

We would love your help but how does the blog reader help anything? Isn't it our job to be narcissistic bloggers and your job to post inane comments?

WHERE'S THE ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT EVEN?

Well maybe, we are trying to encourage you to do it better and if that means straddling a bike from the future of 20 years ago topless in heels with some Gordi La Forge sunglasses on, so be it. But just being able to see ok night is not good enough, we travel so fast on bikes wearing heels we want to keep other safe from us!

Behold the latest in safe bike sex:



if you are interested in witnessing this display in person you can see our curent hot program one last time before we leave on our epic quest.

3 Cascadian Shows!



Friday, February 5th
One Two One Studios
121 Heatly St
8:00 pm Doors, $7-10 Sliding Scale, 19+
Presented by www.RevelrySociety.org
With LIVE PERFORMANCE and indoor bike parking
click here for sweet flier action


Saturday, February 6th, Victoria BC
Camas Collective Books & Infoshop
2590 Quadra St. (corner of King St.)
Screenings at 7pm and 9pm, $7, +19

Velo Vixens xxxRacexxx

Get ready to love your bike like never before.
6pm Camas Bookstore. $7
(includes admission to the bike porn screening!)

click here for sweet Victoria flier action


Thursday, February 11th, Portland, OR
Lotus Seed
4635 Northeast 9th Avenue
Screening at 10pm
Mini Bike Winter Kickoff Party
DIY Stencil Station
Panel Discussion: "SHOULD Bikes Save the Planet" at 8:30

they even let women ride bikes these days...

Its not our style to steal too heavily from other places (at least not places we think will ever find out about us) or to even link to info that is available on another (probably more popular) website or blog.

But this article about being a female organizer of bike culture in Bike City USA hits home on many of the same ideas that have become the trademark of our program, right down to the classic Susan B Anthony quote.

In fact our Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation had a video from one wonderfully free woman from "Live Free or Die" New Hampshire that used that exact quote. (In fairness we found that video while watching Filmed By Bike a couple years back... WHICH, btw, if you are a filmmaker who loves bikes and would like to be part of a homegrown festival for bike movies the deadline to submit to Filmed by Bike is Feb 15th! Don't dally! Although if you are reading this you probably only have one hand above the desk)

It is hard to underestimate the importance of having strong female leaders who feel comfortable and encouraged to do great things.

Extrapolated from gender this current situation seems so absurd it is laughable. Imagine learning that because your last name starts with a letter that is in the 2nd half of the alphabet your ideas were of less value... and also you get paid 1/3rd of those who names starts "A thu L".

If you are a dude you might be thinking, "Well I certainly don't keep any womens barefoot and pregnant in MY kitchen. So this don't apply to me."

YOU FUCKING DICK!

Of course no one WANTS to feel bad, so naturally many males avoid the possibility of feeling guilty of complicit support of patriarchy, which is why so few men want to talk about because anything other than feminism (ie equality) is inherently unfair and unjustifiable, and who wants to defend a position that is so obviously wrong? Better to just prevent people from talking about it.

We should expect more of males. They are the ones who should be clamoring for equality.


Bike Porn volumes #1-3 have all benefited tremendously from having a high percentage of films made by women over the years. And it makes sense that women would feel a special kinship to bikes. Bikes made bloomers possible and eventually made is so women could wear pants, effectively liberating their fashion.

It is strange to think that a person wouldn't be able to wear whatever the fuck they want to. But that's what we're talking about, patriarchy fucks with everyone, eventually. Even if you are the "winner" in the game of hierarchy, you end up being a victim to the same system of repression.


In the same vein, when homosexuals are unable to marry or have access to equal protections under the law, so to are we all harmed. By limiting who "can be in a lasting relationship recognized by the state" limited by sexual preference, we are limiting the very meaning of love. Some people might be comfortable saying, well love is only this narrow idea that fits my current world view, but then you know those people have the worst dance parties ever.

"Prop 8 - The Musical"
... uh you think "Join the Impact" might be a kinda intimidating name for group reaching that is supposed to reach out to homophobes?

Thanks to Elly Blue and all the strong women riding out there.

Image credit to yesteryearsnews.wordpress.com