Oh, we thought you said "Ass Land"

Back home in Oregon and it does feel fine. Now to make a run up the Willamette Valley. 1st stop is the fine town of Ashland.

Props to our local zoobomby friends who made this show possible. As well as the local polo scene whose balls we hope to smack when the time is right.

Anyone ever notice how cogs look like a masochist's cock ring? Yikes!

For sexy bike time come to

• The Cumon I Leen
• 753 Siskiyou
• Ashland OR
• Friday, November 20th
• 9pm
• $5 (no one turned away for lack of funds, but please help us get home!)

A great party with hot bike folk will be ongoing. Bring a few bones for good drink. Perhaps bike polo saturday?

We are stoked to be home in Oregon, a consistent sprinkling of rain has been sorely missed.

CORVALLIS! EUGENE! Cool your heels, we will be up in your bizness soon enough (*cough* 1st weekend of December *cough*)

the biggest little *.* in the world

We are nearing the end of the Chain Whip Tour, only a few Oregon towns await their molestation from our greasy biker's paws. But for now we will take in the rich cultural experience that is Reno's finest biker bar: The Broken Spoke.

Man does this place gleam! Beautiful wood tables, impressively old, historically awesome art and everywhere is the salt of the earth sampling the sauce.

Normally we would be very nervous playing in a bar. Screening movies in the same space where people are ordering drinks does not make for a very conducive environment for paying attention to the screen. Thankfully their massive backroom will be transformed into a theater and make for a great place to show some porn!

• Wednesday November 18th
• Broken Spoke
• 71 S. Wells Ave (down the alley)
• 11:50pm
• With special live performances by local entertainers

Where *.* = the massive cumlative clitteral erections

Whats full of bikes and strippers?

... and is not Portland Oregon?

LAS VEGAS!

Actually, there are probably not as many strippers in Vegas as one might think. And while the sex industry is brisk, it is mostly off the street (which, coincidently, is what we have also heard regarding the cycling).

So what are we gonna do?

We are gonna fuck bikes like a bankrupt tradesman who has been at the blackjack table for 6 hours too long. Does that metaphor not work for you? Pft! K. Fine. we can try again later.

But for now we will break it down for you like a pit boss giving the facts.

• Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound
• Saturday November 14th
• Onyx Theatre
• 953 S. Sahara Ave #16
• 7pm
• $10, 21+
• Includes Jello Shots

Afterwards, who knows? Maybe this weekend we will get into some star gazing, or bike polo with UNLV Bikes, or who-knows-what-else!

Just do us a favor and try and squeegee up when you are done abusing those top tubes, okay?



photo credit to mtn bike forums

getting waved down in flagstaff

In 12 hours of riding around Flagstaff this pornographer was stopped by the police 3 times. They were usually pretty polite and respectful and thankfully none of the interactions resulted in any tickets being given. This could be due to the excellent police handling we have received over the years.

The 3rd and final confrontation began at the intersection of the rail road tracks and San Francisco St. after 3am. The train had just passed and the light was about to change. This biker was rolling though a yellow that changed to red while in the large empty street. This conversation took place in the middle of historic route 66.

[BLEET BLEET] (can someone else suggest a better onomatopoeic word for a police horn?)

• Bicycle Pornographer: Yes? Hello?
• Bored Police: You need to follow the law.
• BP: The #1 law is care of yourself. Look around, there is no cross traffic. You are the only car on the street. You are the only source of danger.
• BP: I will write you a ticket if you want.
• BP: No sir, thank you.

And while that interaction was actually not as snarky as is sounds (quite the opposite it was entirely heartfelt), our friends and co-pornographers from Tempe who drove 2 hours North to see the show were stopped twice while leaving town after the show. Thankfully they had a designated driver but apparently the police they dealt with were not as respectful:

... that didn't stop the cop from giving Mark (the only person in the car that hadn't even had a beer that night) a 30 minute sobriety test. That guy was a dick. - Lindsey B.

Even our host at the Foto Barn said that he was recently arrested and spent the night in jail (and nearly missed going to Burning Man) for jaywalking. He was not friendly to the police he was in fact quite irate. And justifiably so. When downtown business owners are not able to cross the street because a police officer decided that you "did it in an unsafe manner and while we are talking let me run your identification" that borders on some 4th amendment stuff, never mind the question of whose interests are you protecting?

This all wouldn't make us feel so bothered except that it does reek of classism. On one hand if there are going to be armed people who can detain and/or kill citizens at their discretion we want them trained and compensated well enough that they are not shaking anyone down for protection money. On the other hand no one on the bike porn tour has health insurance. Meanwhile, here is a list of the benefits of being a Flagstaff officer:

Medical, dental, vision, life insurance	Deferred compensation
11 days vacation	Flexible Spending Accounts
11 paid holidays	Annual wellness assessment
12 days sick leave	Repetitive Motion Therapy
Public Safety Retirement	Credit Union membership
Bereavement leave	Direct deposit
Jury duty leave	Cell phone discounts
Military leave	Promotional Opportunities
Family & Medical Leave	Continuing Education
Employee Assistance Program	In-house training opportunities

Yes, it is true we ARE jealous of their "benefits package" which includes repetitive motion therapy, anal wellness, and even house training! (For those who qualify)

That said, we are totally grateful that we were able to leave town giving them only time. Lots and lots of our time. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again.

josh guest post #1

This is the 1st post by fellow bike porn tourista joshua while on tour...

------------------------------------------------

Howdy fellow bikesexuals,

First off, I would love to say that this tour has been the shit. Thanks to all the awesome people who have hosted us and helped contribute to make this tour a success and to the people who have kept both our cycles and us, the bike pornographers, well lubricated. If you ever find yourself in ABQ, New Mexico, and your bicycle needs a tune-up or something, go see the guys at the Bike Coop or Fixed and Free. The guys from these respective shops are lovely people who love bicycles (who knew?). They helped us out and we appreciate it.

We're just now finishing up our show in Flagstaff, and it was a huge success. Now we set our sights on Vegas! Come hang out, see some lovely adult themed bicycle films, and go for a bike ride or two.

Now it's time for me to find some cigarettes to bum, and something with alcohol in it....

Peace.

When you steal from bike porn, you steal from the future

Fuck our fans! They keep stealing our cool shit! Snached from the Guild Cinema walls before the movie was even over...

Some annoyingly overexcited bikesexuals in Ogden, Boulder and now ABQ has thieved our best art! We had only a few of these posters. Now we have none. Thus at all the upcoming shows in Flagstaff and Vegas and Reno and Ashland - no one is gonna see our fucking amazing poster art for the next years program.

It hurts!

We would love to have our posters returned. We want to see them again; to at least know they are being loved.

[saddness envelops]

photo credit http://nosuppertonight.com/

Raising the Flagstaff

Coming out of the steamy bowl that is ABQ following Pornotopia, our team has reached the southeastern edge of the Chain Whip Tour universe. From now on it is nothing but traveling north by northwest.

1st stop on our voyage home is the rather conservative town of Flagstaff, AZ. Where no amount of e-mail harassment produced more than a shriek and/or an attempt at a pleasant "no we really don't want you or anyone else to fuck our bikes, thank you" deferral letter. Until we met the folks at the PhotoBarn. They have been great pimpin' the goods on our behalf and making us feel welcome before we even got to the show!

So much so that they are requesting a 2nd show this Wednesday night, which is pretty encouraging of a very porn-ready community considering this show was only set up a week ago.

• Wednesday, November 11th (double hockey stick day)



• PHOTOBARN
  Eastside of Heritage Square Aspen and San Francisco Street
  Door at 7pm, Show at 7:30pm (bonus show at 9:30? )



• $5 Suggested Donation



• After Hours at MIA'S

photo credit to http://www.justlaura.com/?cat=1

Sunday Porny Sunday

Having just driven for most of the day along route 666, we were able to get into ABQ with just enough time to catch some BDSM. Our team has 5 VIP passes to all the Pornotopia shows.

So far all the videos have had plenty of porn, however we have noticed that although the porn is very real, they seem to sacrifice some character development. Go figure. Porn without personal interest or backstory is a challenge, but some of the movies showed so much real passion we could almost create a bit of a story out of the actors' behaviors.

Tonight we rally to the "Vintage and Vaudeville - Retro Skin flicks and Sexy Live Acts, Fresh Performances;" we'll see how the locals' performances stack up against our own live show.

More troubling is that the city is still working so hard to keep the show from happening. Due to a strange zoning law, they (and all movie theaters showing R-rated films) are breaking the law all the time. The text on the books says that there can be no female nipple, no butcrack, no genitalia of any sort. Perhaps only Boise was more restrictive. The city said they didn't want any live displays of nudity, but that films showing all matter of sex are okay, for now. The city even bought a handful of passes to check and make sure there was not anything displaying, saying that if there was so much as a wardrobe malfunction they would shut the entire festival down.

Big talk for a city that is actively attempting to deny constitutional rights to the people of Albuquerque. This will be the 1st show where we are not allowed to get as naked as we want!

Still we are planning on having it rock the people. We have already met lots of nice bikers. Including some folks from the "Bike Co-op" and "Two Wheel Drive." We didn't see anyone from Fixed and Free but we are hoping that between all the bike lanes and the folks behind cranks505.com that we can get in some sort of group ride tomorrow!

Bring it ABQ

• Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound


• Sunday November 8th


• The Guild Cinema


• 3405 Central Ave. NE


• 5:30pm
  
  

a photo credit to CanWeAllJustAgree.blog

durango we hardly knew ye

So with a great deal of sadness, we have accepted that we won't be able to screen BikePorn3 in Durango.

This will be a devastating blow, as we reserved a Saturday for those crazy mofos who hosted what we heard was the greatest sswc for all time.

But as it turns out we are busting our balls and ovaries to make it to Pornotopia in Albuquerque.

Our program of sexy cycling will be shown to the ravenous porn people of Albuquerque Sunday November 8th at 5:30pm.

We hope to be able to unveil our new line of floggers via the folks at Kink Tank in Denver.

Bring it!

Ho(ly) Abs in Moab

Moab, the land of slickrock (which is actually very tacky), reminds us of some similar experiences in the shower...

Friday November 6th
2951 S. Desert Rd
Moab, UT
8pm
$5 suggested donation

On-street car parking only. If you want to ride the sweet bus meet at Chile Pepper at 6pm. They will haul you, and your bike, to the party!

That is right, we said "party." Following the show, we are gonna have a massive party and BBQ and sundries! Enjoy!


That blog title was pretty much a stretch even for us. How about you suggest something with more brilliance?