May 28, 2016

The bell tolls for Philly bikesexuals

Real Talk Philadelphia,

We have raced bikes, showed erotica, watched a car burn... all good times! But no matter how much love i profess for your pretzels, cheezsteaks and massive sculptures of the gates of hell (thx Rodin) I still feel daunted by your lack of brotherly love.

can ya feel the love now?

We have had some amazing times. Our 1st ever team went there in 2008, stranded, after your venue that was so excited to host us said a day before we were to arrive, "Oh, its porn! We can't show that... I thought it was bike porn, like ski porn" But on a whim we walked into a mosaic museum, debated paying the $3 and then noticed the subtle but frequent amount of sex and bike parts on display. A moment later I asked a person who looked like the janitor a couple questions and then he told us we should show our erotic bicycle films right there, that night, and sure enough there we were, in the bowels of Philadelphia's Magic Gardens watching our movies bounce of the glass walls making 1000 points of ‪#‎bikeporn‬ light.

Our last show was 2 years ago with the Porny Express. While Reverend Phil was in the midst of riding his bike from Minneapolis to Mexico the talented Reecy Pontiff sung about falling under the lofty charms of "The Girl on the Tallest Tallbike in Town" to the radical queers. Each year all of the people were beside themselves wanting to bring it back better "next year"

All have failed.

I do not accept the excuse of, "That's hare things are in ___ (name a place)" because they say that everywhere. Your eccentric people are just as unreliable as the next. But still you have a chance. This is the final screening of Bike Smut in Philadelphia. Maybe somehow history will stop repeating itself? Maybe you know someone. Then you could invite them with you to see the LAST EVER screening of Bike Smut in Philly!

As you may know, Bike Smut is in its 9th and FINAL year of touring. But before it is over we are taking a final shot at Philadelphia! It has been two years since Bike Smut: Bike Porn which means you will get to see the best of both our 8th and 9th year of programing!

  BEFORE THE SHOW we are putting together a special panel discussion to engage the sexual organ between your ears.


Friday June 3rd
Wooden Shoe Books and Records
704 South Street
7pm "Future of Sex" Panel Talk
8pm Show!
$7 donation (no one turned away for lack of funds)
Limited Seating, 18+

photo by qbarmatt

Or if not, maybe we will just go eat some pretzels. They are almost worth the suffering.

May 7, 2016

Working the Sausage in Nuremburg

If you search the Internet for "nuremberger" all you get is a sausage fest. Not dick pics, literally butchered meats in long, narrow enclosures. Fitting, because it seems probable that Bavaria invented partying while feasting on sausage and named it after a month in the Autumn (even tho they do it everyday). It doesn't matter if you order a hot dog in Hamburg or a Salisbury Steak in Frankfurt, these conventions do not apply. It might not make much sense to our New World food categorizations which tell us that while its true that both are cylinders of ground up animal parts one is a flat disk without a casing and the other is a long tube.

the end result of being a sausage around Miss Poppy Cox
Your complete awareness of this information is not required to watch Bike Smut this Sunday night at the Nürnberger Fahrrad-Film-Festvial. Still, Miss Poppy Cox wants to totally go all Bavarian with you! Enjoy a bright white sausage party with beer and pretzels and the world's finest collection of erotic bicycle films at the International Cycling Film Festival!

 Just listen to these efficient German verbiage:

Der Höhepunkt des 4NFFF: A Festival of Radical Pleasure!
Bei Bike Smut gibt es kurze, erotische Filme auf zwei Reifen.
Mehr verraten wir nicht vorher - wer Bike Smut erleben will, muss es erleben!

Nürnberg - Casablanca Theatre
Samstag, 7. Mai, 22:50 Uhr

Yeah! Yer damn right we Sprechen Sie Deutsch! Get your bike-fucking tickets online, now!

more info about this randy fahrrad film festival at the adorably named URL:

May 4, 2016

The Alpha and Omega of Porn

This is the end of bikesexual times. For the lord did say unto me, take heed, for I am the alpha and omega, the semination and termination of porn.

Bless the beasts and the bicycles; keep the Sabbath wholey

Saturday, May 7
Church of Fun