January 5, 2010

its got bikes and its got porn, but it aint really bike porn - PART 2

Last week we asked what is wrong with this picture.

First lets talk about what they did right:

humor - intentional or not, making people laugh makes them more comfortable uncomfortable situations more tolerable. Not all porn should be funny, but if you fail to make us want to fuck you might as well let us laugh at you. (BTW, it is ok to laugh at strange, awkward things online, they can't hear you and your opinion doesn't change what has already happened... so its ok)

sex - people are doing it. not necessarily doing it well, but it is being done regardless. And you might as well try to respect the coitus, life sustaining replicating as it is.

bike parts - we feel it is admirable to work bike parts into your movies. Wearing a bike helmet while fucking and saying you are being safe is not a bad idea. Putting a helmet on a phallus is a better idea. When the news reports that the reserved stud ended up getting Gonorrhea people will ask, "Was he wearing a helmet?" and perhaps for the first time "Was he wearing a helmet?" would be a pertinent question... only if they were talking about prophylactics. Le Sigh...

location
- "we are mostly all naked... sure lets do it on a top of a glass case, it could shatter at any moment" behold! The thrill of danger!

But for all these marginally valuable traits this movie still fails. Why? Well the answers you provided are all correct. Yes, they could have taken more advantage of their surroundings, yes it was repetitive, yes we have seen plumbers work a clogged drain hole with more passion, yes they might just be faking everything (not just the sex, but also being into bikes), and yes there is no joy.

But "the answer" is none of these things. In truth this movie is what most porn looks like before it is processed to make us believe that the participants are having a good/exciting/disease free (or depending on your fetish, disease ridden) time. Dubious? Check out this remix: [DID WE MAKE THE REMIX IN TIME?!? NO! But our friends in Salt Lake did!]

video

So what is the true death of this movie?

editing

Watching raw, unedited porn does provide some feeling of reality, but this truth at 24 frames per second* is a double edged blade. While it is exciting to see it "as it happened" it is also a little distracting. We normally would not get to see those confused looks from the stud wearing a bike helmet. We normally would not get to hear the women talking about how "good" the male on the right is. All these scenes leave the audience in a state of marginal discomfort as the performers try to keep on topic.

What does that mean for all the tolerable mainstream porn that we have have been rubbing ourselves to? Were all the participants just as vapid and divorced from real emotion? Probably.

It would be inaccurate to think that if sex is paid for that these are the typical expected results. As in all cases, CONSIDER THE AUDIENCE. If the audience is the person you are having sex with, well there is a lot of connection and feedback. But if the performers are trying to please the appetite of internet viewers... well

Making porn that has a wide market appeal (aka: the lowest common denominator) AND is not edited is a tall order.

Of course there are a lot of things wrong with this movie**, and we appreciate any brain power devoted to the cause of understanding why this movie is lame. Thanks for all your comments and blather.

This video is not inspiring, and doesn't make us want to ride bikes or have sex and therefore would probably not be included in the Bike Porn program.

The bigger question is what is wrong with most porn, which leads us to asking if maybe there is something wrong with us. Why is porn that seems so bad so popular? One answer might be that making bad porn is easy. With so much bad porn being made the standards are dropped though the floor. There might be a lot of good porn out there but how do we find the delicious sausage in the pile of turds?

Haters of porn have frequently (and with a fair amount of accuracy) said that porn is dangerous because it sets up unrealistic standards. That every woman will want to end with anal before a facial, and that men's vocabulary during sex is significantly limited. (This might be true but we're not funding any research at the moment).

But this type of movie might also fill another need. If porn sets unrealistic standards then couldn't they also set artificially low standards for sex? Perhaps there is a sort of cathartic effect, where by watching lame porn we are able to have good sex?!?

We have doubts but let's put it to a vote by comments. After watching that movie don't you think you are capable of having vastly more satisfying sex?


Next question, is this porn harder or easier to watch than this emo PSA for motorcycle helmets?



GAWD MAKE IT STOP!

* we have no intention of searching the internet to figure out exactly how many frames per second are in a typical flash internet video

** Lighting, lack of white balance, set design, acting, camera movements, props (just the helmet? no Chain Whip?, writing, repetitive motions,

5 comments:

  1. Both the front and rear brake were out of commission? Downshift and kill the engine, bike will stop. Whoever wrote the PSA (PoS) doesn't have the least understanding about riding one.

    ReplyDelete
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  3. awesome that you're asking these questions, Rev.

    check out https://www.adbusters.org/magazine/83/pornocalypse_now.html
    (unless i found it via you)
    "
    As our surroundings become inundated with pornographic imagery aimed at keeping us plugged into the feedback loop, it’s easy to get distracted from what’s going on beyond all the hot pink noise. It’s in this fog of fake fucking that man sleepwalks closer toward an abyss of genetic implosion, environmental destruction and total economic collapse.

    But crisis can precipitate change, and what needs to occur now is the genesis of a new “masculinism” – a philosophy of man that embraces the achievements of feminism and strives to reconnect with the real. "


    Oh and kudos for the Goddard reference.

    ReplyDelete
  4. thanks, as you can see all women care about is the size of the tennis shoes a man wears.

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