Leave it to the professionals

I am back from an exciting tour of the Southwest. Thanks to the lovely people of Durango Colorado we enjoyed some movie priemeres, grass bike polo, death defying mt biking, hordes of beer, wine (like 20 cases)... I won the a sweet DFL prize for actually completing the race, and as of yet no one killed dabby... yet. Check some pictures at the Team WRECK blog

I returned home from my travels to find that a Scottish man was caught fucking his bicycle in a hotel room was found guilty and now is a registered sex offender.

This is the kind of news story that forces us to take a step back and ponder the future of bike humping.

Do the health benefits of an active bikesexual lifestyle make up for the potential danger and embarrassment of being caught in the act? Imagine having to go around to all the houses in your neighborhood saying, "Hi. I am a sexual predator. I was caught humping a bicycle, so you should probably not leave your pretty young Bianchi laying around on your front yard... for it's safety."

Perhaps we should organize a fundraiser for this poor, misunderstood, oversexed person. He may represent a desire that most of us are too fearful to admit or explore. But what is the appropriate response?

• A bicycle kiss-in outside the jailhouse
• A series of signed pictures of bikes with genitalia sent to the hotel
• A sicker campaign like: "I fuck bikes and I vote" or "Robert Stewart does it between the tubes"
• A new nonprofit formed to maintain the right of sentient beings to be able to fuck any inanimate object they desire

Perhaps the best course of action would be to make an instructional brochure with some guidelines to help future Robert Stewarts avoid being caught?

• Do not trust a lock that you do not have the only key to.
• Consider moving large physical barriers to prevent access.
• When a maid asks if anyone is in the room, yell "Go away!"

Perhaps the only truly safe bet is to make it official and marry your bike. Be sure to have paperwork on hand, or stuff it into the seat tube, although you might want to laminate it first.


Which places are appropriate and which are deviant?