saddle up filmmakers

The Bicycle Film Festival and Bike Smut have a bit of history. We have pretty similar missions, to encourage cycling via the power of movies and more than one filmmaker has made great movies for both of us.

Movies are a powerful medium. The tools to create your own have never been more accessible.

Now is the time




Make a fucking bike movie!

SHOULDBikesSaveThePlanet

Yalls remember back when we were warning you to fucking prepare for the radness of Mini Bike Winter? Perhaps you even got a personal invitation to come and enjoy the fun? Well you got just 12 days to get your butts to Portland.

This year in conjunction with our "officially unreleased theme" for Bike Porn 4 we wanted to making something that was gonna stimulate your brains more than ever. So it is with great anticipation we proudly announce:


Yes, this shit is real.

And it is happening in Portland.

And you are invited.

You dont need any money, you dont need to be 21 or older (being over 18 would make us more comfortable tho), you dont even need to ride a bike but if you do your chances of not going home alone increase by orders of magnitude. Similarly if you bring us a beer, make some intelligent commentary about the state of transportation infrastructure and make some cool stenciled swag with clothes your brought yourself we will prob swoon.

This is our "cheapest" screening of Bike Porn ever! We will be accepting generous donations which will go to support Mini Bike Winter. The idea is that fun is something people spend way too much money on, and if they only spent less money having fun they could work less and we would have more time to enjoy ourselves. This is what we refer to as the free fun spiral, which when not kept in check quickly leads to unemployment, eviction, and eventually just spending all your time masturbating on your bike under a bridge. (There are no confirmed cases of this yet, we are just assuming since this is what we probably would be doing if not getting paid the big bucks to do it in front of an audience.) But in this case we expect you to just give us a few bucks if you got em and have a great time.

Mini Bike Winter Kickoff Gala
Thursday, February 11th
Lotus Seed
NE 9th and Going

8:30pm

• Panel Discussion: "SHOULD Bikes Save the Planet",

10pm

• Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound - possibly the last Portland screening
  
• World Premiere, "MBW09 in 10 Min" by Jon Huey
• US Premiere, "Velo Love" a documentary of the Velo Vixens by Lauren Warbeck

All night

• DIY stencil station. BYO threads and invent your own brands.

On Friday crazy fun shit happens, on Saturday crazy fun shit happens, on Sunday crazy fun shit happens, and then on Monday... fuck Mini Bike Winter, the Backlash Tour will have begun! We are packing up all the fun and hitting the road, se ya suckers! Enjoy 3 more months of gloom!

Until then, the best reason to ride a bike in the winter in Portland is upon us!

Rejoice!


WE SAID REJOICE!

Cycle Bound Trailer

Its been demanded and its been begged for and its been about time for us to unleash the beast that is the promotional trailer.

Our hesitation has been simple if not infuriating. This year's program has all new content that greatly expands our understanding of what was previously considered bike porn. The movies are amazing and naturally we want the trailer to be just as good. Frequently are better than their respective movies, and people go to see the movies knowing that. So we take specific shame in presenting this trailer, which, some say is great but we feel falls short on presenting the awesome bikesexual nature that is the entire program of

BIKE PORN 3
CYCLE BOUND

Try to forgive us. Or falling short of that maybe enjoy the trailers for "The Pornography of the Bicycle" or "Bikexploitation" as a point of reference.

Bang Bike, SFW... right?

Bangbus Goes Green



Nice work. This movie is not one of ours but the producers certainly do a great job of expressing their connection to the ride.

More lampooning of bikes and porn would be appreciated!

The 1st of May Brings Bike Flowers

May 1st is a hard day on a lotta people. Where our sex workers at?

This is not just a march, and specifically is not a March, nevertheless when last we check it was still rolling in the street!

It is a day for breathing in the beautiful bicycle flowers and for the bikes that they ride on are very lucky indeed.

It is a day for bike love and tighly wrapped poles.

Lots of people have cause to be in the streets. Who would deny us the right to to work? To organize? To parade?

No one. We think.


Regardless it was sunny but it was not exactly hot out.
Next time if you could touch yourself a little more, please?

"Westward Ho" Bikexploitation tour

The Westward Ho Bikexploitation Tour encompasses the western United States in October and November. If you are (or know of) fun-loving, sexy bikers in any of these cities we are excited to meat you!

• 10/6 Boise @ The Red Room
  
• 10/7 Pocatello
• 10/9-10 Salt Lake City @
  
• 10/15 Boulder
• 10/16 Ft Collins
• 10/18 Denver at Orange Cat Studios
  
• 10/20 Grand Junction
  
• 10/21 Moab
  
• 10/23-26 Durango
• 10/27 Albuquerque
• 10/29 Houston
  
• 10/31 Austin
• 11/4 Marfa
• 11/5 Bisbee
  
• 11/6-9 Tucson
  
• 11/11-15 Tempe
  
• 11/16 San Diego
• 11/20 Los Angeles
• 11/22 Santa Cruz
• 11/28 San Francisco
• 11/29 Oakland
• 12/1 Davis
• 12/5 Corvallis/Eugene homecoming show
  

All dates are subject to change without warning. Although we think this constitutes a warning, so there.

Bikes too Sexy

It is the job of a people to define what is and is not appropriate for a given community. That is the nature of obscenity law.

That being said we have mixed feelings about the "action" going on in the Hasidic Jewish district of South Bedford in Brooklyn.

Fighting the shame associated with just having a body, never mind a (partially) NAKED body is significant. Such is the nature of Bike Porn. Becoming as comfortable on your bike as you are in your skin seems perfectly natural.

But this news story does bring up an interesting idea, where does the "as bare as you dare" bike ride's freedom of expression end? Can we really say that cat suits are the end of the line? Would a crotchless rekelekh be less disturbing?

With bikers fearing a San Francisco style loss of momentum and Brooklyn Hasids wondering how much leg is Kosher, both sides are left wondering, "when will it end?"

We consulted with a number of bicycle religious representatives about this issue please stand by.

UPDATE: Lee is a Fossilosopher and frequent naked bike rider... so we are certain that publishing his views on this website is totally Fair and Balanced reporting.

I don't know if the Hasidim are really more evil or hypocritical than other neighborhood activists who try to stop bike lanes, but they are so off mainstream, the whole thing looks really weird. Do you know about their religious practice? The men dance to pray (as do Fossilosophers). They come from a mystical movement of 18th century Poland.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baal_Shem_Tov

I think the Hasidim in NYC (or maybe this is one loud Hasid) are making a show of their folly in front of the world and i think they feel disrespected and misunderstood as a group and have developed a siege mentality. So this will multiply the misunderstanding
- Lee of Vancouver, BC

Thanks Lee.

So will the disrespect they feel increase and what do you think might happen if they continue to feel more under siege?

Their ritual of dancing to pray leads us to believe that perhaps there is some sort of connection between all things. Imagine... Kevin Bacon is a sexy bicycle messenger in "Quicksilver" MEANWHILE he is told he cannot dance because of religion in "Footloose".

So would these women's protest carry more weight if they said they decided not wearing clothes while riding a bike was a ritual?

Forest Pork

This video was SUPPOSED to be entered into the Portland Mercury's "My Pretty Portland" 2-min video contest. Alas, Youtube took over 9 hours to upload the video, making our entry void.

"Void entry", man we are totally sick of hearing about that...

Screw that old 2 min version anyway, please enjoy this slightly NSFW version without the annoying black boxes.

Count Down to WNBR

Every year on one day in June in cities across the world people ride their bikes naked. (somewhat hemisphere dependent)

In Portland, Oregon we have a crack team of naked bike enthusiasts who are working to throw one hell of a party for the expected 1000 naked riders that are gonna be dancing all night long.

Orgasmic NYC Critical Mass

If you are riding a bike can get off anytime you like. It is part of the freedom inherent in cycling that makes such individualism possible. You jump in and jump out at your discretion.

But what about riding in groups? What about giving up some of your individualism to the will of a larger organism? Is that fun? Is that sexy?


May the Bicycle Jesus bless your ride massers of New York. For all the suffering you have endured there is still a lot of fun to come. The Bike Porn Eastern Swing is showing The Pornography of the Bicycle at a sweet venue in midtown!

3/22/08

@ 7:00 9:00 & 11:00pm

Chashama
217 East 42nd St New York City, NY 10017
www.chashama.org

With 75 seats this is a very intimate venue so we are doing a record breaking three screenings, Saturday, March 22nd @ 7, 9, and 11pm.

Admission is only $6 so expect a packed house.

This screening is being partially sponsored by Babeland, who totally are into bikes and sex.

Cranking the Music Box (so to speak)

Chicago is a big bike town. For years many of us in Portland have spoken to each other about it how our bike scenes compare. Sometimes brashly, sometimes in hushed tones. For 3 years now we have been comparing stats for the World Naked Bike Ride. In Portland's 1st WNBR I counted over 500 riders. The next day I heard the Chicago ride that year had 600. Looking at their pictures they had a lot of people, although very few of them seemed naked.

This is how we keep up with the Jones' on a big cultural scale. Portland has a lot of pride when it comes to riding naked, and clearly Chicago is no different. It is with great pride then that I am able to announce the date time and location of the only screening of The Pornography of the Bicycle in Chicago.

• Friday, March 14th
• @ 11:55pm (a midnight screening)
• The Music Box Theatre
• 3733 N. Southport Ave. | Chicago, IL 60613

The Music Box is one of those classic venues that you sometimes hear about even though you have never visited the city before. It is a gem, and we are going to make it real pretty like.

The theater has more than 700 seats and we intend to have it packed with sexy bikers.

Moreover we already have plans for an underwear ride and fashion show in conjunction with the short movies program.

We have a team of volunteers that have stepped up to make lots of great things happen. If you are interested in being part of the fashion show please let us know!
Imagine strutting your stuff here!


While in Chicago I get to visit my favorite nonprofit, Free Geek. It started in Portland near the beginning of the 3rd Millennium. Now the ideas have taken root in many cities across North America.

What is go great about Free Geek? Just that they give technology to people, FOR FREE. And they teach people stuff about computers, FOR FREE. And they support software and ideas that ARE FREE.

From Chicago we will head to Columbus, Ohio for another screening and another visit of a Free Geek. Free Geek Columbus! It is just a happy coincidence, there is not a Free Geek in every city we are playing movies in... yet.

Someday I will tell you all about the not-so-obvious connection between Open Source software and bicycles.

Someday...

what do you let inside?

We giveth and we taketh.

So to, does bike porn.

It Giveth and It Taketh.


During a bitterly cold Wednesday polo game i sheared a seat bolt off with my ass. I was playing on a road conversion fixed gear that was too big for me. The score was tied 4-4, Beer Point. Should I stop playing because i might likely tear my wool pants, and then some?




I played on. After what seems like an impossibly long stint our team finally scored the last point and I could relax a little. But not much. I had still broken Brian's bike, and I was kinda not sober and I was about to use power tools.











A funny thing pride. It kept me from resigning from the game, not because I didn't want to loose, but because who would I be if I folded under the fear of my ass being interrogated by a seatpost? After all I have asked from my producers, I would be ashamed.


Still as far as bike parts go, that seat post is mighty assertive.

The top tube was much more gentle.



NOW FOR SOME DIFFERENTLY OVERT SEXUAL BICYCLE CONTENT

The Seattle/Vancouver Trip was grand

Our bus broke down in Seattle upon arriving at the Church of the Bicycle Jesus. As planed we went out drinking with the Deadbabies. Terry beat the starter and got the bus running and, as planned, we left Seattle at 3am. Border guards made us turn it off, so we had to push it across the boarder. Inside the station Josh was accused of a variety of crimes (DUI, Assault, various gun and drug charges) and was told, "We swabbed your passport and it tested positive for ecstasy". Eventually they came to realize that10-15 year old charges are unlikely to have been committed by someone only 19.

Tom Rolf was able to find the starter by finding the dent Terry had made beating it. He followed suit with his u-lock and the bus started again.

The Bikes Inside party was great! Our hosts were amazing. We played bike polo inside a parking garage, had a fun fashion show, bands, a "Rad has got nothing on us" bike dance/derby. Later we jumped naked into the water at Jericho Beach. Refreshing.

sobrity, as a metaphor for "suck"

Since the end of the tour I have stopped drinking, which has let me come to understand a little something about myself. I really miss alcohol! I use it for all sorts of things: drinking, partying with, talking about, putting into flasks, pouring down throats, lubricating the screws, tying one on, and possibly most importantly providing for my kruktankerous family, the Lushes of the Pacific Northwest.

Why would a person surrounded by booze, whom takes time to regularly speak of its natural benefits, ever stop? Perspective. By stepping back from the edge we are given temporary clairvoyance of the big (and not quite as fuzzy) picture. Plus it gives me reason to experiment with other intoxicants. Moreover when I do start drinking again, look out, cause my tolerance will have slipped back to the human level. Meaning I can go to a bar and easily get trashed. No more sneaking a beer bong into the bathroom, no more trips to the corner market between games of fooseball, no more drinking before I go out drinking. Well, some habits are hard to break, so I'll probably still be a cheap ass.

This is especially important because I am about to embark on another almost annual ritual of mine: joining Seattle's Dead Babies in their first Friday club ride. Tragedy has befallen my northern friends since I have last enjoyed their company. Kevin Carter, Devlin Williams, and Phillip Hollins, Three bikers who all did time delivering for Fleetfoot are expected to have died in an avalanche this winter. I'll not take a sip until i can do so with my friends and express my regret.

To those we can no longer drink with.


I wish I could kidnap them all and sneak them accross the border to Vancouver BC where the bike kids are hosting a Bikes Inside party! That's right this Saturday, Feb 2nd bring your bike and ride around, indoors! It's kinda like being outside, only not as cold, dark,wet, or depressing. That is what we have Mini Bike Winter for. To crush spirits like empty cans under your heel, Seattle style.

Man I need a drink.

Out of the Living Room on to the Streets

What ho! Davis has all the infrastructure to make any city jealous (except some form of mass transit that connects with an elevator that takes one to the top of a hill in an old growth forest just outside an urban center... but other than that its great!)

The thing is they are suffering from a lack of culture to draw the like minded folks together. Last night viewers of The Pornography of the Bicycle came one step closer to an active bicycle culture.

30 people crammed themselves into a modest living room in the N St Cohousing. This was the first time we had a public screening in a private residence. It was a little different to be sure. In a big theater anonymity is very possible, even likely, and hecklers (totally encouraged) are unknown voices clamoring for more. But in a small space everyone knows who said what.

The big advantage was being able to take 15 min after the show to answer questions. So many questions. "Why did you do that?" "How do you normally ride on your saddle?" Does that hurt?"

The audience generously donated $75 to our humpalicious efforts. And then a motley crew consisting of a recumbent tricycle, a tallbike, a single speed, a pedal-electric hybrid 2 seater, and the mobile bike church trike rode off on those mean Davis streets.

Thanks guys, now go start up some bike polo league. I got a hankerin for some nice biker on biker violence.


TONIGHT! BIKE PORN @ THE ROXIE!
@ 7 and 9:30 pm
with gifts from Last Gasp and Good Vibrations

Bring Porn Home

Tonight, Jan 2nd we are having the 1st ever public screening of The Pornography of the Bicycle in a private residence.

Our friend Pasture Ted has arranged for a nice spacious domicile at 732 N Street in the Platinum Bike City of Davis, CA. I'm looking forward to seeing 1st hand how much better it is than biking in Portland. I hear their cops still give out lights to bikers without them, so maybe i will get lucky.

Regardless this is a unique opportunity to experience these programs in a very intimate setting. Maybe I will talk for a bit afterward, or maybe I will get run out of town.

Thursday, January 3rd we screen our bike porn in San Francisco at the Roxie. Everyone's eyes light up when i say that so the theater must be pretty good.

We also got some sweet gifts from our friends at Good Vibrations. A book on masturbation a couple cockrings and more!

I want to thank Cyclecide for hosting the best NYE party I've been to in a while. Good people, good performances and no cover! I love me some free fun!

One down, and still 3 to go?

We had a fun night sharing our unique material, or more accurately, we looked at sexy biker's tits and cocks and were happy. With the encouragement of Sarah from Babeland we hosted a Sex Positive Game Show, which included a brutally competitive 10 second orgasm contest. We did the WNBR Reenactment with our Naked Justice Players:

• Fuzz Beast portrayed Off Duty officer (naked biker assaulter) Chad Stensgaard
• Shawn Furst as the Coked-out pissed-off SUV driving debutant, Amanda Truscott
• A hairy Franz played the naked and vulnerable road user, Rev. Phil Sano

Although the show's attendance was under my expectations, the two hundred screaming bikers seemed to enjoy themselves.

Thanks to the sponsors (including the generous guy who give up some 2008 Sprockettes calendars) our raffle made $200 for the Bike Oven. (btw it is amazing to see how much they have grown in only a year.)


More exciting news: Bike Porn has a new sponsor. Our smutty underground friends over at Last Gasp Publishing have agreed to provide some of their finest goods for our San Francisco audience.

Now we are on our way to spooge over Davis, San Francisco and Cottage Grove.

That's right I said Davis (as in the town outside Sacramento). Pasture Ted has requested a screening for the other most bike friendly city in the United States. Who am I to turn down another man of the cloth... although I'm guessing mine is a little more crusty.

I'll be on their VELOlution radio show this Monday Jan 31st @ 5:15pm Listen to KDVS radio live by clicking here

I hope I can follow their dogma:

Bike Church Ten Commandments

1. Thou shalt not throw away a bike
   

2. Thou shalt not use a bike's name in vain
   

3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's bike
   

4. Thou shalt not use an internal combustion engine when it is not necessary
   

5. Honor thy tricycle, thy bicycle & thy unicycle
   

6. Take the oil of the earth and anoint thy bike
   

7. Love thy bike as thy self
   

8. Thou shalt not worship other idols (cars)
   

9. Attend church regularly and ride the last friday of every month in Critical Mass
   

10. Metal recycling will be the only means of reincarnation
    

11. Thou shalt leave the church as nice or nicer than it was found

Er... Maybe I will get to ask them about their creative mathematical skills.

more than just videos

Bike Porn has appeared in many flavors. At the Vine Theater in Los Angeles we are presenting one of my favorite. The wildly popular live action reenactment of the 2006 World Naked Bike Ride. Amanda Truscott will be there recreating her drugged out violent driving binge, we are still casting for the part of "naked victim of drunk-ass road roage." Also included are the naked "bikers" who continuously provide the backdrop for the mayhem.


Even more exciting is that Merry Saddles has agreed to display some of their fine wares. These ornate yet functional pieces may be available for sale to a loving home.

I would steal all her artwork for posting here but really you owe it to yourself to see it live @ the Vine Theater in Hollywood on December 28th.


doors open @ 8:30,
show starts @ 9pm

last time I was in LA I broke a vacuum. Things will probably not be any less crazy this time

Calipornificaion Tour: disfrute bici pornografía

Scheduling shows has been challenging. Even though I gave myself more than 2 months of lead time it seems that there is never enough preparation. Just this week a stunning blow came when I learned the venue I had hoped to use in SF could not fit in with our travel schedule, by one day!

oh the suffering.

That is why it feels so very good to have verbal confirmation of The Vine Theater in LA. We are still in negotiations but expect the screening to be on Friday, December 28th.

There are so many cool people in LA. If I had not gone there for Bikesummer I might not even believe how great they are.

Thanks to C.I.C.L.E. and Ashira for their support!

mixing modes

I suppose it is fair to say that I have tried a few things in my life. When speaking of experience I am generally in favor of walking at least around the block in someone else's shoes.*

I bring this upon myself. I am responsible for this. I asked, nay, pleaded** for more and more bike porn. Of any nature. Regardless of other considerations.

And yet, I cant shake the feeling of unease that comes with this.

Maybe if I was able to warm up first by watching a moped mount a motorcycle then it wouldn't seem so foreign... so taboo.***

It all just goes to show you that we all can take offense now and again. And that it is ok to have boundaries, and that when you find something that is a little... uh, creepy, that only means that we have some pretty fucked up childhood experiences we must work to ignore better.

With that I propose we go to the bar. In Portland, The Vern is still serving pints of Deadguy Ale for $2 every Tuesday. A couple of those really dulls the pain.

------------

*which makes me think that a great pickup line could be, "Nice shoes, wanna walk around the block?"

**More pleading is coming. Get your fresh ideas ready and make me blush.

*** This fan pic sent in by Lora of Seattle: http://picasaweb.google.com/lora.koenig/Bikes It is notable that she made sure the bicycle was topping the motorcycle. Regardless, I hope you all take this opportunity to report her for all that inappropriate content.

Domain Squatting my porn, wtf?

I want to own bikeporn.com, alas it is already taken.

Well I'm sure it is being put to good use. Let's check in with them to see what is up: "No web site is configured at this address."

Thanks, Ilan C. Paltrow of Charlotte, NC! Your contribution to the internerds is woefully under appreciated.

But what about some other URLs? like bikeporn.net? Coincidentally the Domain Squatter lives in my hometown (barely). Colin Mannex of 8315 sw 67th place Portland (aka Tigard), Oregon has nothing but annoying ads on his page.

Lee Levitt of Needham MA kinda sums up my feelings on the matter with his website Bikeporn.org: "Bike Porn..."

cause really what more is there to say?

---------

Wired Magazine gave some advice on how do deal with Domain Squatters. One method is to buy up every possible misspelling of your website.

http://www.selfseo.com/domain_typo_generator.php gives us:

Wrong key typos
* vike porn.
* nike porn. -------------->
* hike porn.
* gike porn.
* buke porn.
* bjke porn.
* bkke porn.
* boke porn.
* b9ke porn.
* b8ke porn.
* bije porn.
* bime porn.
* bile porn. (below)
* bioe porn.
* biie porn.
* bikw porn.
* biks porn.
* bikd porn.
* bikr porn.
* bik4 porn.
* bik3 porn.
* bike oorn.
* bike lorn.
* bike -orn.
* bike 0orn.
* bike pirn.
* bike pkrn.
* bike plrn.
* bike pprn.
* bike p0rn.
* bike p9rn.
* bike poen.
* bike podn.
* bike pofn.
* bike potn.
* bike po5n.
* bike po4n.
* bike porb.
* bike porm.
* bike porj.
* bike porh.


My confidence in the stupidity of the internet and all who dwell here is reaffirmed! If you want to be a millionare "bileporn.anything" are still available. Buy them all now!