The time will come when all this "promotion of an independently created film festival trying to encourage cycling and make bikers more aware of issues and ideas regarding sex" will turn into just a lot of ranting about shit that is only barely related.
Today we take another step in that unavoidable direction.
We are frequently are told to inform the public about ideas regarding other forms of transportation.
Regardless, we are not all the interested in Car Porn. It's not that we are opposed to getting dirty with machines, but we like the grease more than the soot. Moreover, car's are possibly the MOST common, MOST inhuman thing out there. They do not play well with others and it seems the majority has just accepted that collisions will kill 46,000 people in the United States every year.
Sure, we had our share of wild automotive flings back in the day, but that was a college thing.
Of course, given the nature of the internets PLUS some not-horribly-impressive DIY creativity someone was bound to help those poor car fuckers who could not help themselves:
The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You need the following equipment:
1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.
If you don't have one, you can get one through me (Dekhyr,
[redacted]) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated, it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case, it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with.
To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie',
a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good deal of them at a local discount-type store.
Its not our place to judge one kink over another. As they say: different strokes. We have seen gay cars, consensual bicycles on motor cycles, and most every kind of car "topped" by a variety of butch mountain bikes. But everyone has a breaking point. An idea that takes us from, "well that's ok, if you are into that kind of thing" to "someone call Department of Stopping Fucked-up Shit!"
We feel the need to draw the line on violent forced motorized fellatio upon other, more vulnerable forms of transportation.
This. Must. Stop.
We've told you damn beasts for years. Consent is sexy. When will you learn!?!?
Just to prove we haven't gone totally prude on you we should disclose that we have been flirting with the idea of mass transit porn, but bridge porn seem so much more... mature.
Well maybe a bunch of bikers crossing the bridge is not sexy as sticking your dick inside a tailpipe, but then again maybe we should let the succinct Andy Singer describe why we think bikes are almost alway more sexy than cars.
We say enough Auto-asphyxiation!
There is enough car porn out there, and we only have two weeks until the Backlash Tour heads South!
Lets get back to the promoting the positive, to pimping the good, to sharing the tightest biker shorts ever! Yes it is time to pump our asses all over town.