When the mayor of Vilnius, Lithuania, took his mayoral might to the boulevards in a fit of anti-automative destruction, Bike Smut was aroused. Now we know that we were not the only ones to be so excited. Mayor Arturas Zoukas has now been honored with the Ig Nobel Peace Prize in recognition of his radical solution to urban car terror. The citation is specifically for "demonstrating that the problem of illegally parked luxury cars can be solved by running them over with an armored tank."
The Ig Nobel prizes are a prestigious award that honors ground-breaking global scientific research. Mayor Zoukas shares this year's award with such luminaries as Anna Wilkinson, Natalie Sebanz, Isabella Mandl and Ludwig Huber their paper "No Evidence Of Contagious Yawning in the Red-Footed Tortoise Geochelone carbonaria," Anna Wilkinson, Natalie Sebanz, Isabella Mandl, Ludwig Huber, Current Zoology, vol. 57, no. 4, 2011. pp. 477-84. Mayor Zoukas traveled to Harvard University last month to receive his Ig Nobel at the awards ceremony.
We congratulate Mayor Zuokas on his achievement. We wish him the greatest success in exploring further innovations in state-sponsered anti-car militancy.
We can't count the number of times motorists have endangered themselves by sticking their heads out theor window to more effectively yell about how we should die for not wearing a helmet. If only those busybodies were around when we needed condoms. Interesting thing about tools... how they are used... how rocking the appropriate safety equipment is encouraged and how we shame those who do not. It's true that certain members are allergic to some plastics and a bad reaction could make us not want to ride ever again. But that is the point. Its more about knowing the risks and we are presented with anecdotal evidence not factual statements. For as dangerous as cycling seems when a ton of steel comes within inches of you at 40 miles per hour, it is quite safe, statistically. Especially when compared to riding a ton of steel at high speeds, which in the United States is the number one cause of death for those under 37 years old.
There are those who will never bike without a helmet. There are those who will never fuck without a condom. Both sex and cycling carry risks but we at Bike Porn Industries feel a heaping dose of reason would benefit those extremists. If you were in a long term relationship would you be so strident about wearing a condom? How about going protection-free on a bike ride through a park?
Such safety gear has its place, of course. But we could stand for a little more "time, place, manner" in our rides. Such protection is best used for exploring exciting, new territory, not for a casual trip to the corner store. Trying anal sex? Sure! Wear a helmet. Feel like breaking some speed barriers? Have a full face! But just as you wouldn't wear a condom cause you might have sex, its reasonable to know what kind of biking you will be engaging in and protect yourself to the necessary amount.
This Ted Talk goes into the some of the truth about helmet behavior.
We have preached openly about cycling helmets and the culture of fear for some time. It is so heartening to have our feelings expressed by someone with (marginally) better powerpoint skills.
The time will come when all this "promotion of an independently created film festival trying to encourage cycling and make bikers more aware of issues and ideas regarding sex" will turn into just a lot of ranting about shit that is only barely related.
Today we take another step in that unavoidable direction.
We are frequently are told to inform the public about ideas regarding other forms of transportation.
Regardless, we are not all the interested in Car Porn. It's not that we are opposed to getting dirty with machines, but we like the grease more than the soot. Moreover, car's are possibly the MOST common, MOST inhuman thing out there. They do not play well with others and it seems the majority has just accepted that collisions will kill 46,000 people in the United States every year.
Sure, we had our share of wild automotive flings back in the day, but that was a college thing.
Of course, given the nature of the internets PLUS some not-horribly-impressive DIY creativity someone was bound to help those poor car fuckers who could not help themselves:
The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You need the following equipment:
1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.
If you don't have one, you can get one through me (Dekhyr, [redacted]) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated, it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case, it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with.
To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie', a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good deal of them at a local discount-type store.
Its not our place to judge one kink over another. As they say: different strokes. We have seen gay cars, consensual bicycles on motor cycles, and most every kind of car "topped" by a variety of butch mountain bikes. But everyone has a breaking point. An idea that takes us from, "well that's ok, if you are into that kind of thing" to "someone call Department of Stopping Fucked-up Shit!"
We feel the need to draw the line on violent forced motorized fellatio upon other, more vulnerable forms of transportation.
No.
This. Must. Stop.
Now.
We've told you damn beasts for years. Consent is sexy. When will you learn!?!?
Just to prove we haven't gone totally prude on you we should disclose that we have been flirting with the idea of mass transit porn, but bridge porn seem so much more... mature.
Well maybe a bunch of bikers crossing the bridge is not sexy as sticking your dick inside a tailpipe, but then again maybe we should let the succinct Andy Singer describe why we think bikes are almost alway more sexy than cars.
There is enough car porn out there, and we only have two weeks until the Backlash Tour heads South!
Lets get back to the promoting the positive, to pimping the good, to sharing the tightest biker shorts ever! Yes it is time to pump our asses all over town.
Nearly every history of bike culture (and specifically mutant bike culture) includes Minneapolis. It seems about time we introduce ourselves, and what love we are getting! We had almost given up on finding a venue when some local kickass bikers decided to make it happen!
"This Thursday March 13th, for one night only! StrongArmMarketing presents, The Pornography of the Bicycle. A series of short films on the theme of Bike Porn. It's cumming on thru it's eastcoast tour here in Mpls.
StrongArm Marketing Complex.
117 Washington Ave N. Mpls, MN.
$5 at the door.
99 to 100 limited seats.
That's this Thursday night.
Door at 8pm, Director/Producer intro at 8:15pm.
Showtime at 8:30pm.
Scrool down the trailer page here for a short look. We all know cycling, and sex, are some of the best things life offers us. You really do not want to miss this. Spring is coming"
Damn, they make me blush like a republican
Besides showing awesome movies we are educating people on the nature of Free Geek. Come by the Walker Library to learn more about this kickass nonprofit and the people who are starting one in Minneapolis.
Fun fact from Wikipedia: Minneapolis has the fourth highest percent of people who are gay, lesbian or bisexual, with 12.5%, lucky for us zoobombers are so gay.
