We recently were given some modest signs of approval from Cindy Gallop, creator of Make Love, Not Porn. We still think the idea of defining your own sexuality, and not letting others define it for you is pretty fucking great.
In this TED talk she does a fabulous job of explaining the real world consequences of a society that allows hardcore porn to be the primary form of sexual education.
We pimped her website almost a year before TED got around to posting this vid. That makes us practically bleeding edge! Plus this is a joyous bit of verbal engagement.
So then, are you an aspiring Cougar? Do you feel like going on the prowl? Have you thought about the conversations you might have with a young lover? Don't fret, the world needs your thoughtful hands to guide the future away from the sexual abyss!
Take heed, you have a lot of fresh meat on your plate... and plenty of young aspiring prey in the field! Go get em tigress!
The time will come when all this "promotion of an independently created film festival trying to encourage cycling and make bikers more aware of issues and ideas regarding sex" will turn into just a lot of ranting about shit that is only barely related.
Today we take another step in that unavoidable direction.
We are frequently are told to inform the public about ideas regarding other forms of transportation.
Regardless, we are not all the interested in Car Porn. It's not that we are opposed to getting dirty with machines, but we like the grease more than the soot. Moreover, car's are possibly the MOST common, MOST inhuman thing out there. They do not play well with others and it seems the majority has just accepted that collisions will kill 46,000 people in the United States every year.
Sure, we had our share of wild automotive flings back in the day, but that was a college thing.
Of course, given the nature of the internets PLUS some not-horribly-impressive DIY creativity someone was bound to help those poor car fuckers who could not help themselves:
The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You need the following equipment:
1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.
If you don't have one, you can get one through me (Dekhyr, [redacted]) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated, it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case, it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with.
To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie', a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good deal of them at a local discount-type store.
Its not our place to judge one kink over another. As they say: different strokes. We have seen gay cars, consensual bicycles on motor cycles, and most every kind of car "topped" by a variety of butch mountain bikes. But everyone has a breaking point. An idea that takes us from, "well that's ok, if you are into that kind of thing" to "someone call Department of Stopping Fucked-up Shit!"
We feel the need to draw the line on violent forced motorized fellatio upon other, more vulnerable forms of transportation.
No.
This. Must. Stop.
Now.
We've told you damn beasts for years. Consent is sexy. When will you learn!?!?
Just to prove we haven't gone totally prude on you we should disclose that we have been flirting with the idea of mass transit porn, but bridge porn seem so much more... mature.
Well maybe a bunch of bikers crossing the bridge is not sexy as sticking your dick inside a tailpipe, but then again maybe we should let the succinct Andy Singer describe why we think bikes are almost alway more sexy than cars.
There is enough car porn out there, and we only have two weeks until the Backlash Tour heads South!
Lets get back to the promoting the positive, to pimping the good, to sharing the tightest biker shorts ever! Yes it is time to pump our asses all over town.
At first it seems a chicken/egg kind of thing. Did the demand for violence come first or did producers decide that there are benefits to having a demoralized talent workforce? Are we encouraging violence by consuming violent porn? Are we desensitizing ourselves? Can consumers even get off without hearing "Take it all, bitch!"?
Eventually we may come to assume that porn producers are creating content that the audience wants. If so what does that mean for the majority of our population? How would we escape responsibility for creating a violent sex culture then?
These questions become even more immediate given April is Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Time for a spring cleaning of our various hangups. Specifically the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (helping victims and perpetrators) is focusing their efforts this year on violent sexuality in the workplace.
We at BikeSmut LLC will strive to provide you with pertanant info so that you can be sexually aware at work and also some other places. We hope to flood your brain with all the sexual awareness you can handle.
So much to learn about blowing one's load. We hope that you will stay with us as we try to understand how to balance the needs of the sexes.
"With bigger semen volume, you’ll cum harder than you ever thought possible. You’ll get a big boost to your testosterone levels, too, which means stronger sex drive, better erections and overall much improved sexual ability. And the ladies? Blown away.".
Next time on BikeSmut: Is there a connection between sexual inadequacy and violence?
