This shit is about to get Mount Real

We are as far northeast as we are going to get! Time to burn them sexy bridges and head south but not before:

Bike Porn 4: PLAY
Wednesday, March 30th
Death Church
Montreal
3067 wellington
pony up donations! we poor!
8pm

expect info about a bike ride to the event soon!

enjoy some fine facebook action

photo credit to blik

Riding Dirty with the Lord

SLC is a sweet city for bikers. There is a zanny religion with its overly kind followers providing an unlimited supply of straight men yielding metricfucktons of comic gold. The inherent need to differentiate oneself from the straight laced bikers make non Mormons (and bad Mormons) stand out even more.

There are street bikes, mtn bikes, freak bikes, and cheap tacos on every corner. Sure their beer is usually weak as macro brew but that just goes to show how determined they have to be to get well lubricated. So we shouldn't have been surprised by this gem:





Why ride one when you can ride three?






















Balls.



Studies have shown that cycling improves ones stamina. Along the same lines some have ventured that bicycling leads to greater promiscuity. Could there be a link between having sex with lots of people and riding a bike?



Probably not unless you got something cute and a lot of alcohol (in which case people quickly forget about transportation altogether). Still one wonders if the LDS church has ever taken a strong stance regarding missionaries hooking up. This is the middle of Sexual Assualt Awareness Month with specific focus of workplace issues. Does the Pope have a stance on gay missionary sex? Perhaps sans condoms? (3.66 million results and counting)

Take note: contrary to what some prophets may tell you riding a bike does not always lead to sex.


Meanwhile in Cascadia a group of plucky cyclists are gathering toward the creation of a Bike Temple. Ideally it will become an open space for worship and cycling. Extra fitting since today is the official reopening of the previously closed Davis Bike Church.



Lets all take a little communion and give thanks for another day to ride.

Davis Bike Church: Get the Fuck Out!

Brothers and sisters, it has come to our attention that the Davis Bike Church, which has been offering education, tools and support to cyclists for several years, has been evicted!

Citing things such as being open to the Davis community-at-large as a liability the UC Davis Student Housing has not given us any possible alternatives, stating only that we need to get out.
- paraphrased statement from the Bike Church Ministers

This is a very disturbing turn of events. Davis, California was the nations first platinum bike city as defined by the American League of Cyclists. It has been a badge that many residents have worn with pride. After this despicable act they may be the first city to ever loose the status as a Platinum Bike City.



Bike Church represented at 3:40 in this Street Films movie

To contact the UC Davis Student Housing, email Chuck Huneke, Assistant Director of Residential Education jchuneke@ucdavis.edu

and/or

email the the bike church with your support: bikeministry@ucdavis.edu

Sexual violence among bikes and bikers

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. An awkward time for pornographers. Being on the supply side of sex culture usually feels great! But there is a lot of silence about the other side.

In Pittsburgh we were criticized for our lack of warning regarding the graphic nature of some of the movies.

A debate ensued. We asked them and we'll ask you. What is the proper way to explain to an audience the graphic content they are about to watch? It is far to easy to just say, "Its bike porn. It's about bicycles and pornography" and leave it at that.

The matter is more complicated. Pornography comes in lots of flavors, from vanilla to snuff. So too does our program of sexual bike movies span a wide spectrum. On the more vanilla side you have an audience heckling for sex, and on the other hand you have an audience disturbed by the surreal nature of hardcore bike fucking. So what way should we brace the audience?

Consider that as your are making your films. The deadline is only days away. May 7th. Do it faster, harder, better.

Well April is not over yet. The Portland Women's Crisis Line has just one more event happening this coming week: Confronting Sexual Violence in the Workplace
7pm Liberty Hall, 311 N Ivy

We hope to be there. Maybe some other "industry" types will also benefit from learning what employers and unions can do to prevent it the wrong kind of sexual violence.

The difference between appropriate positive sexual reinforcement for your bike,
and scary discomfort is not always easy.

sobrity, as a metaphor for "suck"

Since the end of the tour I have stopped drinking, which has let me come to understand a little something about myself. I really miss alcohol! I use it for all sorts of things: drinking, partying with, talking about, putting into flasks, pouring down throats, lubricating the screws, tying one on, and possibly most importantly providing for my kruktankerous family, the Lushes of the Pacific Northwest.

Why would a person surrounded by booze, whom takes time to regularly speak of its natural benefits, ever stop? Perspective. By stepping back from the edge we are given temporary clairvoyance of the big (and not quite as fuzzy) picture. Plus it gives me reason to experiment with other intoxicants. Moreover when I do start drinking again, look out, cause my tolerance will have slipped back to the human level. Meaning I can go to a bar and easily get trashed. No more sneaking a beer bong into the bathroom, no more trips to the corner market between games of fooseball, no more drinking before I go out drinking. Well, some habits are hard to break, so I'll probably still be a cheap ass.

This is especially important because I am about to embark on another almost annual ritual of mine: joining Seattle's Dead Babies in their first Friday club ride. Tragedy has befallen my northern friends since I have last enjoyed their company. Kevin Carter, Devlin Williams, and Phillip Hollins, Three bikers who all did time delivering for Fleetfoot are expected to have died in an avalanche this winter. I'll not take a sip until i can do so with my friends and express my regret.

To those we can no longer drink with.


I wish I could kidnap them all and sneak them accross the border to Vancouver BC where the bike kids are hosting a Bikes Inside party! That's right this Saturday, Feb 2nd bring your bike and ride around, indoors! It's kinda like being outside, only not as cold, dark,wet, or depressing. That is what we have Mini Bike Winter for. To crush spirits like empty cans under your heel, Seattle style.

Man I need a drink.

Out of the Living Room on to the Streets

What ho! Davis has all the infrastructure to make any city jealous (except some form of mass transit that connects with an elevator that takes one to the top of a hill in an old growth forest just outside an urban center... but other than that its great!)

The thing is they are suffering from a lack of culture to draw the like minded folks together. Last night viewers of The Pornography of the Bicycle came one step closer to an active bicycle culture.

30 people crammed themselves into a modest living room in the N St Cohousing. This was the first time we had a public screening in a private residence. It was a little different to be sure. In a big theater anonymity is very possible, even likely, and hecklers (totally encouraged) are unknown voices clamoring for more. But in a small space everyone knows who said what.

The big advantage was being able to take 15 min after the show to answer questions. So many questions. "Why did you do that?" "How do you normally ride on your saddle?" Does that hurt?"

The audience generously donated $75 to our humpalicious efforts. And then a motley crew consisting of a recumbent tricycle, a tallbike, a single speed, a pedal-electric hybrid 2 seater, and the mobile bike church trike rode off on those mean Davis streets.

Thanks guys, now go start up some bike polo league. I got a hankerin for some nice biker on biker violence.


TONIGHT! BIKE PORN @ THE ROXIE!
@ 7 and 9:30 pm
with gifts from Last Gasp and Good Vibrations

Bring Porn Home

Tonight, Jan 2nd we are having the 1st ever public screening of The Pornography of the Bicycle in a private residence.

Our friend Pasture Ted has arranged for a nice spacious domicile at 732 N Street in the Platinum Bike City of Davis, CA. I'm looking forward to seeing 1st hand how much better it is than biking in Portland. I hear their cops still give out lights to bikers without them, so maybe i will get lucky.

Regardless this is a unique opportunity to experience these programs in a very intimate setting. Maybe I will talk for a bit afterward, or maybe I will get run out of town.

Thursday, January 3rd we screen our bike porn in San Francisco at the Roxie. Everyone's eyes light up when i say that so the theater must be pretty good.

We also got some sweet gifts from our friends at Good Vibrations. A book on masturbation a couple cockrings and more!

I want to thank Cyclecide for hosting the best NYE party I've been to in a while. Good people, good performances and no cover! I love me some free fun!

One down, and still 3 to go?

We had a fun night sharing our unique material, or more accurately, we looked at sexy biker's tits and cocks and were happy. With the encouragement of Sarah from Babeland we hosted a Sex Positive Game Show, which included a brutally competitive 10 second orgasm contest. We did the WNBR Reenactment with our Naked Justice Players:

• Fuzz Beast portrayed Off Duty officer (naked biker assaulter) Chad Stensgaard
• Shawn Furst as the Coked-out pissed-off SUV driving debutant, Amanda Truscott
• A hairy Franz played the naked and vulnerable road user, Rev. Phil Sano

Although the show's attendance was under my expectations, the two hundred screaming bikers seemed to enjoy themselves.

Thanks to the sponsors (including the generous guy who give up some 2008 Sprockettes calendars) our raffle made $200 for the Bike Oven. (btw it is amazing to see how much they have grown in only a year.)


More exciting news: Bike Porn has a new sponsor. Our smutty underground friends over at Last Gasp Publishing have agreed to provide some of their finest goods for our San Francisco audience.

Now we are on our way to spooge over Davis, San Francisco and Cottage Grove.

That's right I said Davis (as in the town outside Sacramento). Pasture Ted has requested a screening for the other most bike friendly city in the United States. Who am I to turn down another man of the cloth... although I'm guessing mine is a little more crusty.

I'll be on their VELOlution radio show this Monday Jan 31st @ 5:15pm Listen to KDVS radio live by clicking here

I hope I can follow their dogma:

Bike Church Ten Commandments

1. Thou shalt not throw away a bike
   

2. Thou shalt not use a bike's name in vain
   

3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's bike
   

4. Thou shalt not use an internal combustion engine when it is not necessary
   

5. Honor thy tricycle, thy bicycle & thy unicycle
   

6. Take the oil of the earth and anoint thy bike
   

7. Love thy bike as thy self
   

8. Thou shalt not worship other idols (cars)
   

9. Attend church regularly and ride the last friday of every month in Critical Mass
   

10. Metal recycling will be the only means of reincarnation
    

11. Thou shalt leave the church as nice or nicer than it was found

Er... Maybe I will get to ask them about their creative mathematical skills.