May 31, 2009

reMembering Tucson

It is great to be able to write articles over time. For example when this was 1st written it made sense:
Some of our hosts have requested that we take a moment to remember some of the happenings in the various cities. Seems like the kinda thing that might happen frequently but more likely this will be the only one, so enjoy it fucckos!
Now it seems silly and pointless. Suck is life...

Remembering Tucson aka Chukson

Our friends from the Detritus Network had been scheming to bring rad bike folk to the Southwest for some time. This visit was the impetus for the entire trip and much of the timing of events that have transpired have been due to this.

Fuh-Kin-Rhad is how the native settlers to this area might have described this weekend. It was Dry River's third year of operating a radical resource space. Of course they needed a major party to celebrate. We have only shown both movies on the same visit in 2 other cities (Seattle and SLC, both bike porn meccas in their own right) and nowhere in Arizona, New Mexico or Texas has The Pornography of the Bicycle been screened.

Dry River is also dry, as in no alcoholic beverages are consumed on premises. As some of you might already know this can be challenging for some working though thier various stances on pornography. Nevertheless our troops were able to muster though masterbaterfully.

Both screenings were at capacity, which was exciting to see although neither of them generated much money. This frustrated our hosts and organizers greatly:
"All these kids come drive down from the suburbs in their parents cars and plead poverty. I just want to shake them soundly and yell, 'Ask your mom for $2 you spoiled brat!'
Still it was exciting to see all the overwhelmed faces straining to understand what they had just seen, including a performance by the Whiskey Breath Burslque who in their creative-ly stripping-mocking fashion were the first people we heard using the phrase, "Obama-Nation" only days after he won the November election.

A front runner in "The most uncomfortable moment of the Westward Ho! tour award" goes to a lanky bearded fellow following the screening. A person resembling Brent Barber of the Bicycle Film Festival hounded our pornographers for about an hour. He had many of the same facial expressions and kinda awkward behaviors as Brent. Perhaps a relative?

He was very interested in many of the "secrets" of the bike porn bizness... how many submissions we receive and other such insider info. Could this lead to some sort of cross bike film festival showdown? Conspiracy theorists, please comment below.

Over the course of the weekend we were able to to a radio interview on Free Radio ChukShon with Estaban Caliente.

The bike porn interview starts at 41:30, but the entire program is about bikes and features bike related songs by Tom Waits, Pink Floyd, Public Enemy, Clinetle, Chumbawumba and others. Plus listeners will learn the origin of the name "Tucson" which we found fascinating.

We were able to partake in the All Soul's Procession. 1000s of joyful mourners parade down the street in costumes and face paint, carrying photos or otherwise remembering those souls lost.

Then there was Bicas. Possibly the most amazing bike shop we have visited on this tour. There was an enormous collection of well organized parts with lots of instructional signs to help people learn more about bike repair. A few workers there were overjoyed that we were coming, but many (possibly most?) of the shop folk were specifically avoiding the show at all costs. Nevertheless the ones that did come were very stoked and connected us with some bike polo players, who turned out for some sport two days in a row when they normally would not. We hope that with the half dozen new players who showed up will become regulars to the sport will get connected with the growing international hardcourt polo movement and visit us in PDX sometime.

Thanks to our hosts who showed us the size of the local cactus.

why dont we do it inside the road?

what is speed when it comes to sex?

free balling seymoure bomb!

busting out at the steamstriss!

we muster our wheeled recources!

mini bikes provided!

grandview park

credit to our projket B

May 29, 2009

The final exploitation

The end of a great year for our international bike humpty team, TONIGHT is the final screening of Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation (as in bicycle exploitation).

If you are not in Vancouver BC you are limited to expressing yourself in pirave, but if you ARE in East Van than you can express yourself in PIRATE!

viva bike pirates

May 27, 2009

Industry buffs and rebuffs some more

We have long stated that biking is sexy on its own merits. Heath, movement, freedom. It is all pretty fucking sexy without any additional fluff. But then "fluff" is what keeps the industry rolling and apparently the bike sex industry has some new players.

What we got here... hot girl in wings in the foreground, some lycra in the back. Seems like the industry standard hasn't changed much. Perhaps we should be grateful that there are any men at all (we think some of those blurs are men).

Of course on the far other side of the contingent Tea Bags on Toptubes has been dominating the world of bicycle sexual perversion for some time (we believe their blog was "instigated" on Clinton Street following the first ever screening of The Pornography of the Bicycle. A claim to fame if we ever heard of one.

May 26, 2009

Porno for (p)AYE! ROW!(s)

That is right we got a full schedule of posi-core bike fun and sexuality!

Midnight Mass (please don't dust us)

Critical Mass
we wonder if they are still meeting at the Vancouver Art Gallery on the Georgia Street side, let us know in the comments?

The ONLY Bike Porn 2 screening in Vancouver
153 East 10th
8:30 PM
$10 benefits the WNBR and

followed by a

Pirate Party!
10-2am Dance party w peep show starring G.G. Bottoms!
DJ Tom Cunningham IV and more
Cheap as free if you are a pirate

East Van Bike Polo

Seymour Bomb!

Honestly, we should be selling tickets to this kinda stuff. But its free sexy fun on your bike and you can do it anytime you want!

Internets is full of Sex

Bicycling was also associated with men's sexuality. In the late nineteenth century popular press cartoons often depicted weakened men having to assume women's household chores because women were busy being athletic, while men who lived in cities and/or led inactive lives were considered "effeminate." Cycling was advocated as a means through which they would recover their manhood.

thanks to Taisau for making available such historic radness WITH CONTEX!

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Sex with athletes as a metaphor for safe biking? No, wait... safe biking as a metaphor for sexual control in a dangerous place. WARNING: motorized content ahead

In an ideal world, women would be able to do whatever and whoever they wanted and damn the consequences. Like motorcycling, however, casual sex has dangers as well as thrills. The numerous nasties include diseases, drop-kicks, double standards and scary new recording devices.
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Just how popular is porn really?

Might porn be less searched out for if we had more porn in the rest of our lives? Leads to the idea of red states using more pornography than blue states. If it is more popular in places where porn is more taboo, we might have less overall if we had it more available... like in public broadcasting and church for example.

thanks to for finding that gem

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Ba Gock! See your pets interpret your sex face. Credit goes to the slightly more awesome radical sex blog, Lickey Split (that's why we link to them right over there)


May 25, 2009

REmembering ABQ

Albuquerque (or ABQ for those in a rush) is a sort of liberal city in a fairly conservative state. The comparative differences between New Mexico and Arizona is one of the favorite topics for residents in both states.

Biking around we didn't find much excitement... or even traffic. It was after 7pm and the city doesn't have much of a nightlife, which is to say it is pretty great to ride around without traffic. This def not the case in in the afternoon, when simultaneously every car in the city appears out of every hole and nook to claim their personal space on the road.

We were able to find an empty park with a caged basketball court that we deemed hardcourt bike polo worthy... being able to put each other into the fence almost made us feel at home. If ever you find yourself at the Agency and suddenly you feel the need to play polo here are some directions.

We played a festive round of "PSI Thigh" or "Pinch a Sexy Inch" where a team of judges squeezed bikers most impressive muscles. A little live interaction is great to get the crowd into the spirit. The show went perfect, The Agency did a great job making sure it looked and sounded great.

The show was well promoted by Basement Films with lots of well groomed cyclists and bike punks filling the venue. Basement Films is an excellent, profitless organization that has an impressive library of old film reels. After our screening they took time to show us some their favorites. "Double Talk" a racy 1975 short starring Robert Picardo (the Doctor from Star Trek Voyager) shows us a beavercleaver-style family meeting their daughter's young suitor.

After watching a few reels we were feeling the need to do some reeling of our own and staked out in search of stumble juice. Somehow the Twinks were not able to get into the bar thus there was only a solo pornographer alone with a gaggle of tossed Obama supporters. We swapped stories for a min while they ogled the polo mallet.

Miraculously they were convinced to step outside where the twinks sprang into action, talking about bike crap and generally ignoring the democratically belligerent ladies who were now trying to get us to join them on a ride.

"We have whiskey and weed and you can crash on the floor"

Ah, well, if that is what is required of us, so be it. We biked on, barely able to keep pace with the two women on cruisers. Eventually we caught up to them and then we were off road, dodging bushes like we were gay cabana boys at a cougar convention. The girls decided they would take this opportunity to get wet and we were in no position to offer suggestions. We did try to explain how cold riding home will be if they didn't remove their clothes, but sometimes explaining is not enough. As it turns out the Rio Grande is not all that warm in late October at 2am. However it is muddy so we just barely made ourselves compliant with their requests to "Join us!" by wadding shin high. After the girls fell in and were soaked a few times we headed off again, now turning North along the river and a few parks.

Much whiskey and many blunts were consumed. Actually this night may have consisted of the highest quality of smoke and drink for the entire trip. A never ending dance party commenced but in lieu of being oversexual the girls were committed to being coy and the boys were committed to being lazy. This kind of combination normally ends with regret on someone's behalf, but at some point various members were dragged onto a bed from where they had collapsed on the floor. Sounds of sleeping were not heard.

our viewers had this to say:

"Had a great time at the show, and got to see a few fixers in various states of undress. Well worth the admission price!"

ABQ, you are the greatest place we know of in the curious state of New Mexico.

thanks to Detroit Import, Target Salad, Chantal Foster, and Kittroid,

Here is a map of cities we showed Bikexploitation in during the Westward Ho! tour in Fall 2008

View Larger Map

May 24, 2009

expanded hot pepper coverage

Really the "hot pepper coverage" is just marketing... it's like Ned Flanders said, "this 4-alarm fire is probably only 2 alarm at best". But still there could be a great unspoken outcry for more shots of the boys in blue wearing yellow, and so here is:

Many thoughts come to mind as we gaze intently at this image

Does Portland having less critical mass = less time for cops to ride bikes = more fat cops? Are cops in NYC getting healthier because of their increased presence at Critical Mass? DUDE! COULD NYC BIKE COPS TAKE PDX BIKE COPS?!?

Perhaps the Portland Police Union step up its efforts to get Critical Mass popular again. There are a number of benefits including lots of easy overtime for officers with reduced health care benefits for the system overall.

This couldn't happen at a more important time. Presently our team of bikesexuals are gearing up to ride in what could be North America's best Critical Mass:
  • Best in that it is huge! It has rides in the thousands, which is way more than ride in Portland (at least with their clothes on).
  • Best in that it is full of creativity! This month is pirate themed and the ride will be heading to our final screening of Bikexploitation and a massive pirate party with peepshows and lots of excellent performers.
  • Best in that they have a low # of arrests per rider attending. Fun in the street and fewer body checks than either NYC or PDX.

All this makes us wonder if perhaps Bike Porn Industries could see a new sponsor latter this summer. Hey, Police Union President Sgt. Scott Westerman, take heed, we need more sexy cops! Everyone knows cops and porn go together like...

May 21, 2009

Bike Piracy in Vancouver

Avast! Sexy bikers right ahead!

Tremendous fortune has shone down upon Bike Porn Industries like the omnipresent light of a benevolent sun god giving massive boners to all the chlorophyll fulled subjects below. The organizers of the Vancouver World Naked Bike Ride have created a massive party to blow out whatever is left of your indulgence obsessed mind.

The final screening of Bikexploitation
3rd annual Pirate Party
Bike Pirate Peep Show starring GG Bottoms

Friday May 29th

undisclosed location after Critical Mass
Big Fun! Cheap if you are a pirate!

Proceeds benefit Bike Porn Industries and Vancouver's World Naked Bike Ride

Stay Tuned for more exciting info!

Chicks and Bikes, sexy yet lame?!?

In a move unbecoming of a sexy blogger the punks at Chicks and Bikes have lifted more content from

We, in an attempt at levity asked to be credited with increasing amounts of disbelief as our fine booty was trotted around the internet for all the world to see.

yet all the pony's men could not get any love.

This breech of trust in internet pornographers should not be troubling. On more than one occasion we have expressed our opinion of the standards pornographers hold themselves to. It could be that this kind of mentality contributes to our stated opinion about how porn sucks, or it could just be a side effect of lazy, annoying people.

It would be cute to think of this content as so cherished, so chaste, that we could become morally outraged at this indignation. In actuality we should expect everything to be stolen and not credited. We should expect ourselves to be irate for 20 min, post some equally annoying content about how its not even a chick in those panties and then wonder about the future of internet bike porn. Could Chicks with Dicks and Bikes be far behind?


Seriously, where's the transvestite bike porn?

May 18, 2009

Cycle Bound Schedule

That's right, all the chain whips in the world can't beat down your desire for new bike porn content.

In June 2007 a simple program titled, "The Pornography of the Bicycle" shocked and EW'ed many a unsuspecting viewer. The owner claimed it to be the most successful single night in the history of the Clinton Street Theater. Many reported saying they would never again look at a bike saddle the same way.

Then in 2008 a more involved more diverse program with submissions from NYC, Seattle, Columbus and Victoria BC mixed up the formula giving birth to "Bikexploitation," a mix of 70s inspired pulp film and wholesome family friendly cycle erotica.

Now we are in the Summer of 2009, only days away from the world premiere of Bike Porn 3: CYCLE BOUND. Here are the uber exciting details about the screenings:

  • Friday June 12th
  • Clinton Street Theater
  • New in 2009, an early show at 6:45 pm
  • Old in 2009, prime time show at 8:45 pm (gets out in time for the MMR)
Friday nights don't work for you? Try this last screening in June before the tour leaves Portland to demoralize the rest of the world:
  • Monday June 22nd
  • Clinton Street Theater
  • Newish in 2009, a late night show 11pm
  • EVEN NEWER BONUS SCREENINGS AT 7 and 9pm! 3 show night!
All shows are $6 and include impressive live performances.

Since it is our 3rd program we expect it to be good, possibly even violently good, like "oh my god, i just locked up your crabby-pants step-brother in the anal rape cellar" good. But we don't know yet... because there is still 2 weeks to submit a movie and a lot of humping gets done during these long sultry days and short, hot nights.

So it is up to you to create fine works of sexually charged bicycle art, to capture those images onto a format fit for display and share them with us, your humble media dominatrix.



May 11, 2009

3 weeks left

If you are not feeling pressure we hope that

Please save us the horror of ripping our still beating hearts out of our collective chests from the pain of receiving a great bike porn movie after the deadline passes. Please.

Finish it up, address it, put it in the mail, clean yourself off and put some pants on (or whatever you feel like doing).

May 7, 2009

where is your gootch?

Ah the Midnight Mystery Ride. A classic monthly outing for the late night drinking then biking then drinking crew.

We set up our cameras and just let the magic happen

Video thumbnail. Click to play.

So why are some of the most painful experiences also the most pleasureful?

Learn more later this week when we release the dates for our world premiere of Bike Porn 3: CYCLE BOUND

May 5, 2009

breaking it down...

We at BikeSmut LLC have a strong history of telling each other to stop making excuses and start making sex faces. The "Fuck you, do it better" motto, stolen from Zoobomb, (which perhaps was stolen from Deadletter Ben?) has been in our lexicon since our humble beginnings.

Here is a message sent from our director of public affairs to HQ:

Hey butt head! so whats the deal with the next bike porn tour??

So you wanted me to write you a proposal... since the "fuck bikes" tattoo on my ass isn't good enough....this will have to do.

I feel that I have a lot to offer the bike porn tour because i am totally into bikes, I love riding them, learning to fix them, pretty much anything that involves bikes. I also enjoy porn and sex, so joining the tour will bring my two loves together in perfect or not so perfect balance. I for some reason enjoy it when people laugh when I'm acting silly..So being the center of attention is something I am comfortable with... As I have mentioned before, I am a dancer, so the whole nudity bit comes naturally. Sex sells and I have been earning a living on my titties, for over a year now..and believe me, they are nice.. As far as selling merch, I will be able to move product by being motivated and creative in selling..preferably topless, that always seems to do the trick! I will also come up with ideas of my own to contribute to the group. You told me that you got tired of being to the ringleader and always coming up with all the ideas all the time. I also like to work with people with their ideas to make beautiful things happen. I am motivated and focused when I am faced with challenges. Most of all, i love having fun, and isn't that what its all about? Making money and having fun! let me know what you think, Jhen 503 XXX XXXX

Well there you have it. A perfectly good gauntlet fisting our anus, slapping our face then laid at our feet. Be there when the bikesexuals get it on in Vancouver Brittish Columbia, Friday, May 29th 2009 post Critical Mass.

Moots Boobies photo credit
West End Vancouver photo cred

May 1, 2009

The 1st of May Brings Bike Flowers

May 1st is a hard day on a lotta people. Where our sex workers at?

This is not just a march, and specifically is not a March, nevertheless when last we check it was still rolling in the street!

It is a day for breathing in the beautiful bicycle flowers and for the bikes that they ride on are very lucky indeed.

It is a day for bike love and tighly wrapped poles.

Lots of people have cause to be in the streets. Who would deny us the right to to work? To organize? To parade?

No one. We think.

Regardless it was sunny but it was not exactly hot out.
Next time if you could touch yourself a little more, please?

Taste Testers Agree: It Needs More Porn

Oh internet, you are so full of humor, sex, intrigue, insight, and disturbing as fuck images.

So many people have been curious about the content of Bike Porn 3: CYCLE BOUND that we felt it prudent to explain how not to make a sexy bike movie:

Now there are some movies that are on their way, but they may need some help. For example:
Impressive for sure but what about bears doing track stands?
This fashion show is just a rad bike trick away
If your actors are siting around wondering "what next" than so are we

Moreover the possibilities for traditionally nonsexy things to get us hot and bothered should be explored, not shunned. Bike laws as porn?

How about a sexy traffic "law"

Can you prove that information is sexy? That the brain is one big soft-gray-matter-hard-on?

kinda like this only with more bikes and less turkey

you have only one month left before the really frigging last min deadline ends your opportunity to SUBMIT... perhaps forever. DONT BE A JERK! instead jerk to the beat, and create fanfuckingtastic works of sexy bike art, today.

* In fairness, we are not explicitly against internal combustion engines, more that we are opposed to what they have done/continue to do. Freedom can come in many forms, and so can prison. We are, however, ready to square off with any mofo who tells us that twisting wrist is sexier than rocking your ride.