October 30, 2010

fuck ween. happily!

Hallo fuckin ween.

A fine time to engage in bizzare, futuristic endevors, the fall marks the moment when a horny biker will attempt to make sure they have a warm place to lie.
How they present themselves precludes their so called independence from the weather

For example we have reason to believe the middle pumpkin that says "Marry" in the image below also says "Mount" on the backside. Thus continues the fine association with nature and sexuality that has been increasingly necessary to maintain some degree of honesty between our legs.

which takes us back to how we treat our bodes like macheines.

Previously we had some "animal/vegetable-hog autumn" metaphor to entertain and disturb. Squeelin for a feelin, so to speak.

Sure bikesexuality has come to a point of absolute parity.

no matter what the effects of our "costumes".

If opening up means more than splitting hairs...

otherwise we might become some sort of internet preditor.

with help from
Happy internet thefting days

October 26, 2010

Bike Porn 4:PLAY in SLC

finally 4play can start humping your leg

Salt Lake's only screening of
Bike Porn 4: PLAY
Friday, November 12 at 9:00pm
Point Six Percent Productions
1130 South Richards Street (entrance in back)

Thanks to Tall Bike Jesus for delivering as they say, "salty loads"

This could be a harbinger of other shows. Could we manage to swing out to Ogden? Ft Collins? Denver? Boulder? Chicago? Detroit? Madagascar?

Interested parties should start baking whiskey pastries to get us in the traveling mood!

October 11, 2010

Remembering Kelsey

Bike Porn Industries solemnly mourns the passing of our of its greatest supporters and instigators.

Kelsey Rolf died in her sleep this past Sunday. 10/10/10

She was 23.

She may in fact be the first bike porn star to die. We have not been keeping perfect records, alas. The genre of "bike porn" has come to fruition via countless inspired fucking bike perverts. We can not imagine a single person who has embodied our principles more.

From the 1st moment she was seen riding the saddle of a fixed gear bike while in front of her a teen aged boy was cranking the pedals as she relentlessly flogged him, we knew she would be a force to be reckoned with. Since that moment she was able to push other's limits and challenge our brains and bodies, our wry and wit, not to mention our stamina and patience.

Besides being a hot, badass biker, she was also active protecting those without a voice. She loved animals; when in Portland she worked at doggy daycare, and just before her death was highly prized at Seattle's Exotic Veterinary. She was vegetarian or vegan most of her life but while she was proud of her choices she affirmed other's rights to make their own choices. We are reminded of Mother Mary Jones "afflicting the comfortable and comforting the afflicted."

So much more than a sexual object... she subjugated sex!

We will miss the humor, the glamor, the style, and the snark.

Services will be held this Sunday, October 17th at The Woods in the Sellwood neighborhood of Portland, Oregon.

We expect tears and cake.

Our condolences go out to her husband, Tom, of dirty surfing fame.

Donations in her name can be made to the Oregon Humane Society, or alternatively go to a place where you can buy cheap, used clothing, get something bizarre, trashy or otherwise out of context for your surroundings and send in a picture of your enjoyment for life.

She will be missed.

October 10, 2010

how big is the demand for bike porn?

pretty fuicking big

The Columbia River Crossing is alao quite engorged. In fact it is in the running for biggest load of ever delivered to the Portland area.

If these trends continue, all the Vancouver/Portland metro area will be defined by 8-12 viens of steel-jizing bridge, injecting hot internal conbustion into Portland metro steets, air, and conciouness.
Thankfully, a local buisness owner recongnized the CRC's implications for the future of the entire regoin, and requested a full independent intevistagation of the CRC's bit and pieces:

The CRC forecasts assumed that traffic growth on the I-5 crossing would accelerate from 0.6 percent annually to 1.3 percent annually. But instead of growing at an accelerating rate, the volume of traffic crossing the bridges has declined every year after 2005, and the traffic growth rate has been decelerating systematically over the past 15 years.

The estimated total 30-year CRC Costs will total nearly $10 billion. They spend on avg $1,000,000 per month, and have already spent 100 million on the project togeher.



October 9, 2010

Heating up the southwest

Does it seem like all we ever do is pimp other peoples things?

With so many cyclical and smutty things going on it is quite a challenge to press on and stay moderatly relevant. Especially when more active photo blogs are giving it away. Having so many take up the charge of displaying the sensual side of cycling is rather encouraging/daunting/humbling, and yet we do our best to not let it phase us.

It's fall, and like the metaphorical grasshopper bike punx take to the streets to show off the goods and breath in what we all fear will be our last dance with the sun. Underground parties will rage in the later coming dawns without being busted by neighbors who have taken to closing their windows as the temperature drops (unless you live in LA, where the streets have absorbed so much radiant heat that bike tires dissolve into the pavement)

If you happen to live in Austin, TX where accented twangs are frequently coupled with chickn wings and proudly dangling wangs you can probably get your fix for hot flesh at this upcoming event. Here is how the organizer described it:

we are encouraging women and men to dress in their skimpiest outfits, participate in a relay race criterium with sexually themed obstacles in between laps (ie: sex position polaroids, suck and blow the spoke card, condom balloon toss, etc.). Winners are receiving prizes from many of our enthusiastic sponsors- local sex apparel/toy shops!


In a not exactly related bit of news we have been seen rolling around with the bicycle equivalent of "payola." Folks have been asking, "what the fuck is up with those lights?" They seem to work cause when you are taking the lane on a bridge at 9pm you dont want a motorist say, "I didn't see her" to a news camera live at 11.

And the final bit of Southwest info, Bike Porn has agreed to send one special video to make a special appearance in Albuquerque's Pornotopia film festival in early November. They demanded something for their Best Of category. We blush a bit but yes, it really is quite a exciting collection of smut.

October 5, 2010

Hiatus has been temporarily derailed

Just when we had thought that we would be able to quietly go into the night, our world is rocked by another fabulous, scandalous music video.

Woe be on the foolish prude that might try to shame due to "inappropriate behavior", "excessive drinking", or "gratuitous sexual content". BEGONE USELESS KILLJOY! This video drops like a bomb, has legs to run you down and steel to gut you like the new fish you are.

Please enjoy irresponsibly.

After a couple years of mild asskikery the Bay Area Derailleurs have really stepped up their game. From the performances at Mini Bike Winter to their political work on the BP oil spill in the Gulf they seem to have found their pace.

The paring of the dumpster diving, bike punk ballet of the Derailleurs with the dope lyrical stylings of Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits makes for a classic us/them battle. man v woman. driver v cyclist. meat v vegan (or is that freegan? opportunivore? cannibal?)

As for our predicted tours of North America and Europe we can only hope that the stars will continue to align and we will get to bring more of the best bicycle erotica to your berg. But we have been promised lots of cookies and booze from SLC! w00t! (thanks for reading our " bike porn recommended daily allowance")