February 28, 2010

Breaking Boundries

Breaking boundries.

Bike porn has never before gone south of the border. (although if we put that phrase in quotes we couldn't make the same boast). Today we try to break though the US/Canada stronghold into the final realm of North America: MEXICO!

Being able to push limits and strive for more greater achievements... a lot of names come to mind, but on this 1st of March how about Jacquie Phelan

Wow, inspiring lady! We might have to ask her if she has any secrets for getting chain grease out of the sheets in the morning.

Ya hoy TJ!


Santa Barbara, Claremont, LA, Long Beach.... Four shows in four cities in four days and no time to recover cause its just starting.

Will San Diego or Tijuana step to the pron?
or will we have to flee the persecution of those who can't handle naked bodies?

Time is short but we are hopeful (dubious but hopeful). Moreover we need tacos with bottomless guacamole! Margaritas! Novelty coconut bras!

Regardless we will soon be turning East to head to Tempe, Tucson and Bizbee!

February 24, 2010

bringing it to hell-a

we have a slew of shows down southern california

Thursday February 25th, Santa Barbara, California.
101 S. Quarantina Street
time TBA
with help from Fishbon

Friday, Feb 26th, Claremont Colleges
The Motley Coffeehouse at Scripps College
9:00, +18
naked mobile bike dance party at 730pm starting on the mounds
sponsored by your horny bike

Saturday, February 27th, Los Angeles CA
1450 E. 6th, between Mateo and Sante Fe
Shows at 8pm and 11pm, $10, 18+,

Group ride leaves Orange 20 (4351 Melrose Avenue) at 7:15pm sharp


Sunday, February 28th

Art Theatre – Long Beach CA

2025 E. 4th StreetLink

9pm, $10, 18+


Monday, March 1st

san diego

venue unkown! you could help

February 23, 2010

Santa Cruz is dead. Long live Santa Barbara!

Sometimes all the king's horses and all the king's men are all just gonna hang around smoking blunts.

This might be what happened to our Santa Cruz show, the jury is still out. We would have liked to say that we enjoyed some or ANY of said blunts but that is no longer an issue. What is an issue is that even though half a dozen people are planning on driving to Santa Cruz to watch the show we dont have anywhere to show it.

Its even more peculiar since Santa Cruz made some of the best bike porn in last year's program this time around they can't even watch the show.


Well from the ashes of the burnt hides we will grow a new potted sex plant in Santa Barbara. BEHOLD:
  • Thursday February 25th
  • Fishbon Pescadrome
  • 101 S. Quarantina Street in Santa Barbara, California
  • Doors @ 8 show @ 845, $10, +21
  • Group ride Meets @ Wheelhouse Bikes (corner of Cota & Anacapa) @ 6:30,
  • Ride @ 7:00
And it will be awesome. Come enjoy the hot, burgeoning bike/sex communityT

February 22, 2010

He's Got the Whole World in His ...

So you got a fancy new saddle and you want to put it where?

We wont judge you, but dont forget to be safe about it and you should prob clean up afterward. It will help prevent chafing of you and cracking of your leather toy.

February 21, 2010

Sweet oak town bike loving

Mutha Fuckin Blingin

Big thanks to the wild and fun (dare we say "zanny?") Roll-Up Bike Shop of Oakland.

Our hosts were uber-friendly and had the space dialed in! The crowd was as positive as ever and braved a torrential downpour to make it a great fun night of bikesexual exploration. We didn't know what to expect initially but their ideas about art, place and taco carts seem to be right on target! This was especially nice since we didn't come close to packing the audience in San Francisco where we had secretly expected to kill. We are, in fact, stunned by the way our San Francisco audience has shrunk over the years regardless of our pretty sweet media coverage. A good lesson for would be pornographers, expectations kill!
So heres hoping that the other "advanced" bike culture cities of North America will turn out in numbers closer to places like Salt Lake and Flagstaff who have frequently packed the house. (this is compared to the Platinum city of Davis which after several months of, er planning... well... let's just blame it on lazy students and interns.)

In another day we hope to show the goods in Santa Cruz. It could still happen but with shows on Thursday in Santa Barbara, Friday in Claremont, Saturday in LA, Sunday in Long Beach, and Monday in San Diego we are more excited for the heat of Southern California than ever!


February 19, 2010

Hot Bay Action

Saturday we have another screening of Bike Porn at the Roxie on 16th and Valencia, but before that we are taking in an art show of bike polo photographs at the SOAP Gallery around 28th and Mission, a mini polo tourny at 21st and Shotwell the winners of which will recieve free passes to the final SF show!

and then there is sunday...

Sunday February 21st
The Roll Up
4401 San Leandro St Oakland, CA 94601
9pm $8, 2 for $15, 21+

On Monday we are supposed to have a show in Davis. It has been cancelled and rescheduled and then canceled and now we're not entirely sure what is going on.

On Tuesday we hope to have a screening in Santa Cruz

and on Thursday we have a show in Santa Barbara, which is really not in the bay.

Bringing it to the people...

ReMembering Oregon, a discussion of sexuality

Hey now, two shows into the Backlash Tour and we are already getting some FANfuckingTastic reviews of Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound.

Grace Pettygrove's article of the bike porn screening and discussion at The University of Oregon totally hits the mark. Her column includes a number of gems like this:

The featured shorts in “Cycle Bound” reflect a diversity of ideas about what sex is, could be and should be. Some of the movies are pure comedy, parodying clich├ęs in the porn industry or playing up any available visual puns offered by the bicycle frame. Several films feature nude Portland bikers doing awesome things on their Franken-bikes: dive-bombing hills, playing games and racing around the city. Conceptually, this still falls under the category of porn: For a Portland bike cultist, tall-bike jousting is as good as sex.

Curious, we have been promised tall bike sex for so long, its almost upsetting. And really the way some people have sex is a lot more like jousting than they would probably like to admit.

But rather than just call it a bit of nice, fluffy university media, Pettygrove goes one step further and begins to inspect and possibly even unravel the nature of sex positivity.

I also came to question the limits of the sex positivity movement. Can such a cerebral distinction actually draw the line between exploitation and empowerment? Though there were obvious elements of role reversal and satire in the raciest moments of Bike Porn — including a short that used a child’s bicycle to parody the concept of “kiddie porn,” and a scene in Tour de Pants that looked a lot like gang rape — I don’t imagine that a victim of sexual exploitation or assault could sit through the whole presentation and feel empowered.

Indeed. Just as one man's treasure is another man's cum bucket, so too there is no way to allow vast freedoms of expression without potentially ruffling a few feathers. That said another viewing might show that the "victim" of the gang rape gave verbal agreement to consent not once, but twice! Yea, we didn't notice it the 1st time either and it definitely is not using a very rigorous standard. (could she be expressing verbal agreement without actually providing informed conscent?)

The evening was punctuated by a surprisingly coherent expression of bikesexuality by almost everyone in attendance. The classroom was able to agree on a few points:

Either way, thanks for asking good questions. If there is a limit on the value of sex-positive culture we hope we never find it!

The show last night in Ashland was fantastic. What an amazing venue! They even had chairs! We were asked which hotel we stole our robes from and also had a request for unicycle porn.

On our way to San Francisco, with a possible polo turny in the works on Saturday!

naked pedicab joust photo credit to Solteronita, U of O Willamette 100 photos credit to Courtney Rodgers

Here we see our discussion with overhead projection displaying our theory on bike sex

dicks OR vags PLUS bikes DOES NOT EQUAL babies

Thank you Oregon, we will kiss your fertile soil again in just three months!

February 18, 2010

HAWT DAMN! We just had a hell of a show in the sleepy Ashland. What a great space! Thanks!

Now its on!

Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound
Friday and Saturday, February 19th and 20th
Roxie Theatre
3117 16th street
11:20 pm, both nights, $9.75, +18

February 16, 2010

From Ashland, Oregon to the Calipornification

This Thursday we have a show in Ashland, then SF, Oakland, Davis, Santa Cruz, and Santa Barbara... then we have a day off.

Then Claremont, Downtown LA, Long Beach, San Diego, Tijuana (we hope!)

Then we have a day off.

Its gonna be like that for a while. Expect some pretty lame/shoddy posts and lots of speeling errors.

but we are pretty fucking stoked to be getting some supportive press. If the fine ass people at Flavorpill liked last year they are gonna have their ears pulled back

Thursday, February 18th
240 Hersey street (Bizness Park) # 14.
doors at 8pm, $3 Donation, +18
7pm Group ride from Ashland Plaza

*See, like that pic, we are way too busy.

February 14, 2010

Erotic Film Fests Abound!

Happy Fucking Valentines Day.

We mean that in a good way, that you might have some fucking sex. Good fucking sex at that. If not with someone else consider using the appropriate tool.

Good Vibrations in San Francisco is one of the largest, longest running and yet still respectable sex shops anywhere. They have great ethics and they are big fans of Bike Porn offering up great prizes to people who are willing to play our games.

Now they are offering up MONEY! fucking bling bling dolla dolla, make you holla holla cash green machine if ya know what i mean.



Submit your short erotic-themed film to Good Vibrations Independent Erotic Film Festival and you may end up a star! Whether you’re a professional artiste, art student, budding filmmaker, or just having fun with your Flipcam, we want to see your stuff! What’s erotic? You tell us! Funny, serious, gay, straight, if you think it’s hot, we want to see it in 7 minutes or less. Our 2010 Grand Prize Winner will receive $1,500 at the Castro Theatre in San Francisco on September 23rd! Submission deadline is June 30, 2010. Visit www.gv-ixff.org for official Rules and Regulations.


Ok, so we're jealous. We want to be able to give away big prizes and wads... of dollar bills. We even have a plan for profit sharing for filmmakers! Well not so much a plan as a vision. But presently we dont have much, but if you are a struggling something-or-other uh, how you say... filmmaker, than you might consider doing something really great and getting paid.

If not our call for entries is even earlier: May 10th 2010. And we haven't even had the official internerd announcement yet. But just you wait, the artwork on this is the stuff coconut dream cream pies are made of.

February 10, 2010

The Backlash Tour - Circum sizing America's Limp Dick

Finally we are bringing the goods back to the hoods. We are stoked to announce our most challenging tour schedule ever.

So dramatic was the response to this years work, so powerful the determination of the viewers to help it along that we have little choice but to deliver the goods... CON FUERTE!

We picked up a half dozen groupies during the Chain Whip Tour and though it was not our intention we are well on our way to a sort of Grateful Dead like caravan of bikesexuality.

Will you ride the bike porn train until it hurts?

Behold the Backlash Tour, February - June 2010

British Columbia
2/5 Vancouver
2/6 Victoria

2/11/2010 Portland
2/15/2010 Eugene
2/16/2010 Ashland

2/17/2010 Sacramento
2/18/2010 Davis
2/19/2010 San Francisco
2/20/2010 San Francisco
2/21/2010 Oakland
2/22/2010 Santa Cruz
2/24/2010 Santa Barbara
2/26/2010 Claremont UV
2/27/2010 Los Angeles
2/28/2010 Long Beach
3/1/2010 San Diego

3/2/2010 Tijuana

3/3/2010 Tempe
3/4/2010 Tucson
3/6/2010 Bisbee

3/9/2010 San Antonio
3/10/2010 Austin
3/11/2010 Denton
3/12/2010 Houston

3/13/2010 New Orleans

3/15/2010 Mobile

3/16/2010 Pensacola
3/17/2010 Tallahassee
3/18/2010 Gainesville
3/19/2010 Orlando
3/20/2010 Tampa
3/24/2010 Jacksonville

South Carolina
3/25/2010 Savannah

3/26/2010 Atlanta

North Carolina
3/27/2010 Asheville
3/31/2010 Carrboro

4/2/2010 Richmond

Dist of Columbia
4/6/2010 Washington DC

4/8/2010 Baltimore

4/10/2010 Philadelphia

New Jersey
4/12/2010 New Brunswick

New York
4/16/2010 Brooklyn
4/17/2010 NYC

Rode Island
4/19/2010 Providence

4/21/2010 Boston

New York (again)
4/22/2010 Troy

4/23/2010 Montreal

4/24/2010 Ottawa
4/25/2010 Toronto

New York (yet again)
4/26/2010 Buffalo

4/27/2010 Pittsburgh

4/28/2010 Columbus

4/29/2010 Ann Arbor
4/30/2010 Detroit

5/1/2010 Chicago

(the rest of the schedule is in flux so treat the dates as a guide not a rule)

5/3/2010 Milwaukee
5/4/2010 Madison

5/7/2010 Minneapolis

5/12/2010 Winnipeg

5/14/2010 Regina
5/15/2010 Saskatoon

5/16/2010 Edmonton
5/17/2010 Calgary

5/20/2010 Bozeman
5/20/2010 Missoula

5/22/2010 Spokane
5/29/2010 Bellingham
6/9/2010 Olympia


This is a tentative list and many of the dates are not set, but we are still adding more shows all the time. Welcome aboard Santa Barbara!

This list is.... intimidating. We can't possibly connect to all the cool bikers in all those cities. We need you to tell your friends! No one shows up because we say we are cool. But your friends will believe you. Give a little bike love to a distant friend today!

all color photos bikesmut.com copyleft

Its hard, but then its soft, but then its quiet but then its loud!

enjoy this bit of soft, sultry SFW video (not sure if the audio is SFW, but the video is)

Thanks SLCZed for this contribution! It is kinda strange and erotic and we like it

February 9, 2010

Plotting a course to Porn Part 2

With the Chain Whip Tour complete the Bike Smut Industries would love to take a break but as there are countless screaming bikesexual infidels on the verge of an emotional collapse for lack of erotic bike culture we simply cannot slow down.

Thus we priming the chambers that shall hold our impressive tubes.

After our Mini Bike Winter Opening Gala (including a DIY Stencil Station, "Should bikes save the planet?" panel discussion and a lineup of excellent bike movies including a great documentary on Victoria, BC's own Velo Vixens.

Then on Monday the 15th we kickoff the Backlash Tour by hosting a lecture and screening in Eugene. Then on Tuesday the 16th we are working with the Ashland Bike Polo Society to put on a screening in a warehouse. (HELP! We still need chairs!)

Then we bust a nut into California and show the goods at the Bike Kitchen in Sacramento on Wednesday. Then mix it up with the folks of Davis on Thursday (we think they will pull it together) then we return to the Roxie Theater to do 2 BIG shows in San Francisco on Friday and Saturday Feb 19th-20th.

Oakland? Santa Cruz? You are both on the bubble.

Ready and willing are the various students of Pitzer College. Last year their exuberance included a naked ride (which has become a regular activity) a camping trip, and a variety of other pubic displays.

We plan to be invading their space February 24-26th or so.
Then into central Los Angeles, playing a show at the TOW on Saturday and hitting up the Long Beach Art Theater on Sunday, Feb 28th.

Then we sprint all the way down to San Diego for a show on March 1st. It may be dubious that we get to play Tijuana but there is always a possibility.

We will tell you about our next leg soon. But if you are in the south you are on notice!

If you have a calendar feel free to mark it. Oh, here you go: http://bikesmut.com/schedule.html Still in development, but pretty keen eh?

February 8, 2010

Vancouver REmembered

How does it feel to be loved by cascadia? Well bookstores are awesome and frequently have zines and they are also awesome.

And tall bikes seem to be pretty common/porn worthy

When it lived in NYC this was quite possibly the fastest tall bike in the city. Now its just back to probably being the fastest tall bike in a Vancouver garage. Pretty tarck worthy, with big gears, bladed carbon fork, light stiff steel, and enough height that you only have to worry about the side view mirrors on delivery trucks clipping your handlebars.you can also see the head tube is also bladed for extra reinforcement. We used to have those similar spinergy Sprox wheels that are made with noodle like spokes of kevlar. A special tool is required to true the wheels (naturally, fuckers)

We didnt't go inside this place with glowing meats, and dancing pigs but we hear its BIG. instead we picked up material at DressSew just down the street. A new screen for projecting movies onto will be available soon!

you have a dirty mind, that is why you came to this blog. its ok to admit it.

actually we were able to make some decent coin off our little show in Vancouver. Great turnout and lots of excited bikers wanting to make some of their own bike porn! But yea the Olympics are still pretty fucked.

Thanks Vancvouver!

Pictures from Victoria soon,

February 6, 2010

PreBacklash Cascadian Bikesmut Tour Report

WOW! incredible shows!

thanx Vancouver and Victoria!

man, we love getting sporty and active but the Olympics are totally fucked!

We are stunned that we could be fined $10,000 for not wearing the right clothes! any signs, buttons or displays of anything that not "celebrating" the Olympic games. any sponsors that are not the Official Sponsors.

and specifically bend over for the IOC. The International Committee for Olympic Profit-Motivated DoucheBaggery.

a bit of a media day in downtown Vancouver BC...

but sport is totally alive! It doesn't require a lot of money, or even matching shirts (although they are way cool.)

Sports can be fun without having to exploit resources or evict people. In fact sports are often more enjoyable when you just leave people where they are.

mobetta Brittish Columbia photo journaljizm coming soon!

February 2, 2010

Touring Porn Stars Need Your Help

ZOWIE! Only Two weeks until we head off on the next great bike porn adventure,

Did we mention we are setting up 50 shows in 100 days? Not like "one hundred days from now we have to start working on this." No we have to play a show ever other night for 3 months. Who on earth will be willing to join us?

Moreover just booking all these shows is pretty insane. Seriously, touring musical bands have nothing on us. Bands probably have more equipment, but for every new filmmaker that is born there is a theater that dies, or at least it feels that way. And while almost any home can be converted into a space where a few dozen people stand and bop their heads... there are just not many micotheaters out there.

Since we are busting our collective reproductive organs to bring you the greatest collection of sexually charged bicycle video the world has ever known we figured it would be nice for you to help us find the right place to show Bike Porn.

So if you want the Bike Porn Tour to come to your town here are the questions we'd like you to consider

  • Do you have any contacts at the various college/universities? Student clubs can request funds, pay us directly (in the biz they call it a "guarantee") and have a theater space set up with the A/V dialed in! Choice!
  • How many seats do they have? What is their seating capacity? (For example, a music venues usually don't have more than a couple dozen chairs)
  • What are the audience's distractions while watching a 90min movie? Light and noise pollution should be considered. Some places have live music in the adjacent room, or at a club next door, for example. It doesn't have to be absolutely dark and quiet, but make sure you have made those considerations.
  • Do they have speakers, amps, a receiver, projector and cables in the room or will we have to set that up? We carry some of this equipment but setting up can be a challenge. FYI we usually use a miniDV deck with composite RCA (yellow, red, white) cables.
  • Does the venue have an stage area in front of the screen that we can use for the live performances? There is singing and dancing and you will love it!
  • How committed is the venue to bikes and sex? How about their patrons? Would they be willing to send out an announcement to help pimp it?
  • What costs are there? Rental? Split? Donation? How will we collect funds?
  • After the show where can we crash? There are usually 3-6 sexy bikers who need to sleep sometimes. Help us avoid dying in a flaming auto collision. We aren't some touring band ya know. (nothing against touring bands who want to die in a flaming car wreck, its just not our scene)

If you have thought of all that and want us to come to your city email bikesmut@gmail.com and let us know you got this. Eventually we will ask you to have this info:

  • Date
  • Venue Name
  • Venue Address
  • Time
  • Cost of Admission
  • Age Restriction (+18? +21?)
  • Additional Info (e.g. "bike ride to venue leaving from X-place at Y-time")

When you complete this kit and confirm with us we will send you a flier of your very own! Tell all your friends! Be the 1st kid on your block to host Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound. Get your parents permission... it's fun to watch their expression!

Okay that should cover it. We are very grateful for your help. You can now see why we need great people in every city we play.

February 1, 2010

Auto Ass Fixy Nation

The time will come when all this "promotion of an independently created film festival trying to encourage cycling and make bikers more aware of issues and ideas regarding sex" will turn into just a lot of ranting about shit that is only barely related.

Today we take another step in that unavoidable direction.

We are frequently are told to inform the public about ideas regarding other forms of transportation.

Regardless, we are not all the interested in Car Porn. It's not that we are opposed to getting dirty with machines, but we like the grease more than the soot. Moreover, car's are possibly the MOST common, MOST inhuman thing out there. They do not play well with others and it seems the majority has just accepted that collisions will kill 46,000 people in the United States every year.

Sure, we had our share of wild automotive flings back in the day, but that was a college thing.

Of course, given the nature of the internets PLUS some not-horribly-impressive DIY creativity someone was bound to help those poor car fuckers who could not help themselves:

The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You need the following equipment:

1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.

If you don't have one, you can get one through me (Dekhyr,
[redacted]) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated, it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case, it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with.

To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie',
a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good deal of them at a local discount-type store.

Read more here

Its not our place to judge one kink over another. As they say: different strokes. We have seen gay cars, consensual bicycles on motor cycles, and most every kind of car "topped" by a variety of butch mountain bikes. But everyone has a breaking point. An idea that takes us from, "well that's ok, if you are into that kind of thing" to "someone call Department of Stopping Fucked-up Shit!"

We feel the need to draw the line on violent forced motorized fellatio upon other, more vulnerable forms of transportation.


This. Must. Stop.


We've told you damn beasts for years. Consent is sexy. When will you learn!?!?

Just to prove we haven't gone totally prude on you we should disclose that we have been flirting with the idea of mass transit porn, but bridge porn seem so much more... mature.

Well maybe a bunch of bikers crossing the bridge is not sexy as sticking your dick inside a tailpipe, but then again maybe we should let the succinct Andy Singer describe why we think bikes are almost alway more sexy than cars.

We say enough Auto-asphyxiation!

There is enough car porn out there, and we only have two weeks until the Backlash Tour heads South!

Lets get back to the promoting the positive, to pimping the good, to sharing the tightest biker shorts ever! Yes it is time to pump our asses all over town.