December 31, 2008

why not sell out?

Frequently we are asked about our principle regarding DVD sales. We have, from time to time been very tempted to produce DVDs. But at the moment we have no plans to release any video works. We dont even make screeners for theaters (providing an additional challenge to booking venues).

Here are some excuses:

A) because while Bike Smut does create a fair amount of content, most of the works are from other filmmakers, many of whom are interested in protecting their identity. No DVDs (not even to theaters wanting to preview it) mean that there is almost no chance that their content will end up online.

B) being in a space with others watching adult-themed material (be it violent, sexual or otherwise) creates a feeling vastly different from being at home. And it is not just because you feel more comfortable masturbating in front of your computer! (public/group masturbation can be awkward but is often exciting. Build up courage by trying it in front of a mirror, or your pets).

C) the value of bringing together of people who feel mature enough to sit though something and then have the stability of mind to discuss a topic afterward is difficult to overestimate. In a society where everyone is anonymous how does anyone establish what is obscene?


Y) We are lazy.

December 27, 2008

I got your indecency right here!

Who defines what is appropriate for you?

More importantly (and kind implied in the last question but never mind that) Who defines what is inappropriate for you?

Well if you are are considered an Adult (a floating range between 14-21 years old depending on who you are talking to and the emancipation laws of a given state) you may be given a lot of freedom in that regard.

Have a look for at this handy guide, color coded for children!

Nevertheless there is probably a head of household/state/bike gang that you trust to make some decisions about what is/is not okay sexually. These people are always (supposed to be) looking out for the less worldly members of your country/community/bike shop. This is a tricky position to be put into for sure as the morality of the leader is thrust upon the followers. But what if the leader is really horny? What then will said leader thrust?

So is it that fucked up people are attracted to positions of power or is it that power corrupts all our god-fearing leaders or is it that we really like to see our leaders crossing lots of taboos cause it makes us feel better about our minor issues with ethics.

No matter where you live the standards you obey are community standards. Even though an external force may try to set undesirable codes of behavior for you.

We at BikeSmut LLC heartily encourage more local (if any) control. So much so that we have considered creating a modular program that could be dialed up or down.

"Cant handle watching anything penetrate an anus? No problem!"
"Fisting too much for your sensitive eyeballs? We got you covered."
Its tireless and largely thankless work. But that's the job of censors, to keep you at a safe, comfortable distance for the realities of modern bike rape

Could a future video screening include user defined content? Could a computer program infer from an audience a desire of more or less porn by way of simple cheering or jeering? Would a program like that inevitably end with terribly disturbing content or more kittens? (one in the same in this situation)

And while it is pertinent, why is it that the Agency for Cycling Ethics' website is password protected? WHERE ARE WE TO TURN NOW?

UPDATE - It seems they have removed their presence altogether. If this is a sign of the future possibly these people can help.

December 16, 2008

Mostly Unrelated to Bike Porn, Volume Uno

Avast, teh Internerds tell us about the lack of advances in the "intravaginal pouch," or female condoms:
In 1844, Charles Goodyear patented the process of vulcanizing rubber, inadvertently ushering in an entirely new era in contraception - condoms as thick as bicycle tires and still considered re-usable. But getting one’s hands on this new-fangled “technology” became a whole lot harder in 1873, when Congress passed the Comstock Law, prohibiting the transportation of obscene material like prophylactics and pornography. -
We feel better knowing that thorn proof condoms and rim strips have improved with time. The jury is still out about the effectiveness of slime, however.

How long until a anti-gay religious cult finds reason to hunt gay primates?
If it feels good, do it. That seems to be the motto of the bonobos, whose same- and opposite-sex coupling seems as casual as a Hollywood air kiss and can include oral sex, French kissing and the missionary position. For these chimplike apes, sex serves as all-purpose social lubricant. Dolphins have no such excuses for their kinky behavior: they sometimes try to mate with sea turtles. - http://://
We're not sure when Time magazine crossed over from news journal to tabloid rag, but we are all more educated for it.

We promise some more specific humptastic bike content soon...

December 4, 2008

Home is where you hang your...


The Bikexploitation - Westward Ho! bike porn tour has run its cycle.

Presently the sexy bikers of Eugene are still cleaning themselves up as we carry our broken bikes home to Portland.

We did 22 shows in 21 cities in 7 western states in 60 days.

We distributed 100s of bike porn shirts, shorts, stickers, patches, buttons and undies

We played polo in with crews in ten different cities (sorry Boise, next time).

We have a new appreciation for round wheels

Thanks for all the abundant and latent radness. We are terribly excited to have everyone with us who we are supposed to. We didnt have to deal with police but one single time in Tucson, as shown below.

Thankfully the officer was mostly pleasant and told us if we are gonna have that many bikes on our trunk we should attach the license plate to the outermost toptube (and attach a bike light when traveling at night).

Back in PDX things seem to have not changed much, every night something exciting is about to happen between your legs. Wednesday night polo has moved to Penisula Park. Bundle up and bring discreet adult beverages. We are hoping to release a new Bikexploitation soundtrack at Bike Craft.

Thanks for those who have followed our travels, trials and tribulations. Expect news about other fucking bike festivals and in depth investigations about chafing.

December 2, 2008

The end of the Choad

The last show of the Westward Ho! Bikexploiation tour.

  • Thursday, December 4th
  • Campbell Club
  • 1670 Alder St Eugene, OR
  • 7PM
Bringing it to Eugene for some prime time Bike Porn action.

PLUS bike polo after the show!

Thanks to all our hosts and our parasites

Another blogger deriding the junk.

November 27, 2008

Oakland Delivers the goods!

Huzza! We have found Bike Porn friendly spaces in Oakland! The Lobot Gallery has stepped up to host us this Saturday night.

Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitaiton
Saturday November 29th
Lobot Gallery
1800 Campbell St

Doors at 7pm
Show at 8pm
Polo at 10pm

Bring yer mallets!

(Apologies to the folks at Your House, who would have been fine hosts)

Here is a sweet printable image you can use to harass your prude friends at work. Thanks to, Rock Paper Scissors Collective and Cyclecide for all your help.

Polo in the Bay

Hardcourt bike hockey started in the Pacific Northwest 7-8 years ago. Teams in Portland, Seattle and Vancouver have for much of that time been beating the crap out of each other for fun and bragging rights. A number of breweries have been able to make it though slow economic periods due to our patronage.

From the NW many a sojurn was made to the Bay in seach of similar hardcourt action. Typically the result was good, but not sustained. SF was perpetually the land of old school grass polo.

In 2007 SF hosted the NACCs and many bike punks got a taste of what bike polo can be. Epic games are still discussed in Portland ad nauseam.
Here we see the influence of NW polo.
Now at the end of 2008 both SF and Oakland have regular polo battles, this weekend there are a couple extra.

  • Thursday November 27 -
  • Oakland Polo Rockridge BART. Oakland's regular weekly game every Thursday night.
  • 8pm
  • Saturday November 29
  • Lobot Gallery
  • Special edition INDOOR POLO
  • 10pm (after bike porn screening at 8pm)
  • Sunday November 30
  • Ride SFO bike expo and polo at Cow Palace in SF.
  • Special edition INDOOR POLO
  • 3pm
  • Monday December 1st
  • Every Monday night in the Mission come play
  • Dolores Park
  • Church and 18th
  • 7pm

We heartily encourage you to check for an international discussion of the game's finer points and blunts.

November 26, 2008

who the fuck forgot to title this shit?

This Friday we ride in our first SF Critical Mass. It began in San Francisco years and 2 months ago, since then this simple monthly ride has given urban bikers around the world a chance to feel safe while riding. Being apart from auto traffic means breathing easy; being on a bike means looking good.
  • Black Friday, November 28th
  • Herman Plaza - Market @ Embarcadero
  • 6pm
Later that night we host 100s of sexy bikers, and the premiere of The Loaded Warrior trailer

A post apocalyptic world without gasoline is daunting…
But imagine a world where beer is scarce and only those with most brutal pedal powered machines can attain it…

Meanwhile we are still waiting for our alcohol stimulus package.

After critical mass, come see us at
Roxie Theater
Valencia and 16th

Thanks to the Bike Coalition, Laughing Squid, Cyclecide, Slouch Cycles

Keep us pumped as we roll up the coast

November 25, 2008

get crunk in the bay

whiskey and porn go together like porn and whiskey

come and get some this weekend in the bay

  • San Francisco
  • Black Friday night after Critical Mass 11/28
  • The Roxie
  • 11pm
--------------------- A N D ----------------------------
  • Oakland
  • not associated with any color Saturday 11/29
  • Undisclosed Location
  • 8pm

November 24, 2008

Santa Cruz can go fuck bikes

The sleepy town of Santa Cruz has a rather large estate with a bunch of collective minded folk who are hosting the only screening of bike porn between LA and SF

Tuesday, November 25th
Paul Sweet House

3950 paul sweet rd.
santa cruz ca, 95065

Be ready for indoor footdown, jousting, mutant bikes, bike polo, dance party, visual projections of crazy crap... typical.

Prepare for Santa Cruz

This message of preparation comes from MilzMilz, the Trash Crew member so nice he named himself twice:

You should know that there are lots of bikes for you guys to ride whilst here. you should know that if you by some crazy chance wanted to work on bike of some freaky sort whist you were here we have a grinder and welder on hand. you should know that we will be projecting in a room that fits 100-150 snuggly and i am expecting anywhere from 20-80 people and we are just projecting on a sheet over a window. you should know that i personally really want to play some footdown in that same room afterwards, and if we just move shit out of the way the games can begin. you should know that our property is your playground. you should know that we have jousts, they just happen to be a bit moldy. you should know that for reasons of every sort i havent edited the rest of the slaughterama footage, but when i do it'll be good. you should know that whatever has happened or will happen, life is still good. you should also know that me and kelly have to get out of town on wedensday to get ourselves to san diego to chill with my fam for thanksgivers so we will probibly need to take a bus or catch a ride to san jose around 12 or 1 or so. you should know that we have 82 sweet acres to hike on.
you should bring, you and your friends, you should bring the bike porn movies! if you have last years tucked away somewhere i really want to see those too!!, you should bring chips and salsa, you should bring your hiking shoes. you should bring your wilingness to party. you should bring some ambition to see some of santa cruz, you should bring the energy to stay up all night, you should bring a blunt. you should bring some good stories, you should bring earplugs (perhaps) you should bring the rukus.

P.S. you should bring a 12 pack and some pizza.



So there's our challenge, for people wanting to observe an indoor footdown post-porn dance party be at the Paul Sweet House Tuesday, November 25th

November 21, 2008

From the pit of Hell-A

Just when we had given up on having a screening in Los Angeles, my new favorite Midnight Ridazz Marino steps up to deliver a gem of a location.

Sunday November 23rd
Bholanath Foto Studio & Urban Gallery
6042 Monte Vista St Los Angeles, Ca 90042

Moved to The Bike Oven
3706 North Figueroa St. in Highland Park
Los Angeles, CA 90046
8pm after polo.
If there's enough interest, we'll have another show at 10:30.

View Larger Map

Here is where we think polo is gonna be going down at 2pm on Sunday

Thanks for keeping the fucking bike dream alive:

Ideally our friends Chicken Leather and crew from Kill Radio will join us with some live broadcast action.

November 20, 2008

pulverising non fun

Let us have some rad fucking times

Apparently the Baldy Bomb has been moved. Now it is a Sat night camp out and Sunday bomb.

To find us on friday go to the bike shop by the Gold Student Center

View Larger Map

much thanks to the Velo Cult for hosting us, and all the polo players of San Diego who pulled it together for some late night action.

November 17, 2008

Pitzer College brings home the porn

Unrelated image?

A note to college students trying to convince their academic advisers to pay us to come to your city so that you don't have to (pay us that is).

"Uh, I don't know, it seems cool." Is not gonna cut it. Lucky the folks at Claremont University know what it takes.

"Bikexploitation is a new documentary created by Portland bike activists that explores social themes of exploitation and domination in transportation culture."
Who would dare not support this? Well done Pitzer College students.
Here is the word from our hosts in Claremont:
Friday has become the holy day of bikes at Pitzer, being the day of the sacrament of bike polo and Critical Mass. The ideal schedule under consideration currently is to hold the weekly bike polo game from 3-5 before breaking for dinner. There exists enthusiasm for a naked bike ride from 6-8. This is scheduled to coincide with what we hope will be a special naked bike ride broadcast of poppin' bike tunes from the college radio station. We could strap boomboxes to our backs and synergistically tune in. The bike porn would commence at 8, outside the bike shop.

Pretty sweet. But why stop there? What about naked bike polo?

Whatever we are doing it is happening Friday November, 21st in the sexy burbs southeast of Los Angles.

Now, were are we gonna do this weekend? Midnight Ridazz represent!

Back to the CaliPornication

Yep we are still delivering the goods in the SW. On our way to California!

Our first stop is in in San Diego!
Wednesday, November 19th
Velo Cult
2220 Fern St

11/21 Friday we will be at Clairmont
11/2? Saturday or Sunday we are looking for a place in downtown LA.
11/25 Tuesday in Santa Cruz
11/28 Black Friday in San Francisco
11/29 Saturday in Oakland?
12/2 Tuesday in Arcata
12/4 Thursday in Eugene
12/5 Friday in Corvallis?

happy trails

November 15, 2008

phx polo girls

In Portland we remember a time when girls played polo... they even had their own league for a while. Then their numbers were drained and now we have some of the toughest ladies playing the sport. This weekend we are in Tempe/PHX to see if more sun = more baked clams.

Monday nights at 8:00 at the northwest corner of Dorsey and Southern in Tempe.

So then, our Portland Pork Barrels will face their #1 team for some unquantifiable amount of glory and probably a lot of beer, on the hardcourt no less!

November 10, 2008


Dr Doom raced in the Single Speed Cyclecross World Championships in Portland this weekend:

According to our sources, he got a flat in the first lap and played catchup and drink the rest of the race in order to take home 50th place. This image captures much of the Republic of Doom sentiment.

Rising like Phoenix in the Morning

Avast! Our friends in Phoenix have made a rad flyer!

if you are in Tempe (a tightly defined city surrounded by the endless sprawl of Phoenix) you should investigate the Bike Saviours. Moreover there are more than a few fun things planned for this weekend,

starting with a challenge!

bike polo in Phoenix at 7:30pm on Wednesdays at the Desert Storm park at 16th St. and Colter

November 9, 2008

Davis Bike Church: Get the Fuck Out!

Brothers and sisters, it has come to our attention that the Davis Bike Church, which has been offering education, tools and support to cyclists for several years, has been evicted!

Citing things such as being open to the Davis community-at-large as a liability the UC Davis Student Housing has not given us any possible alternatives, stating only that we need to get out.
- paraphrased statement from the Bike Church Ministers

This is a very disturbing turn of events. Davis, California was the nations first platinum bike city as defined by the American League of Cyclists. It has been a badge that many residents have worn with pride. After this despicable act they may be the first city to ever loose the status as a Platinum Bike City.

lots of bikes

Bike Church represented at 3:40 in this Street Films movie

To contact the UC Davis Student Housing, email Chuck Huneke, Assistant Director of Residential Education


email the the bike church with your support:

November 6, 2008

Tucson has porn

"Tuc Son" That's one way to remember how to spell Tucson.

Thursday, November 6th we are at the Dry River Collective showing Bikexploitation. Then Friday, November 7th we show The Pornography of the Bicycle. Back to back screenings are pretty rare for us, and we are doing it to help celebrate Dry River's 3rd Anniversary of not being shut down by the man.
  • 6pm a costumed bike ride leaving from Dry River
  • 7pm Whiskey Breath Burlesque grinds, sings and cavorts under influences
  • 7:30 The Pornography of the Bicycle
  • 9:15 A grip of bands Logan Greene, XwalrusX, Feel Good Revolution, Redbeard, Cizana
  • 11:30 V for Vendetta
  • If you are too pooped to pop you are encouraged to sleepover!

I hear rumor of a game of capture the gland may break out on Saturday, and closing this weekend is the All Soul's Procession on Sunday.

Quite a weekend, come on down

740 N. Main St. @ University Blvd.

we didn't find the polo game last night, but made contact with them today and are hopeful for some polo action soon, perhaps Monday!

November 5, 2008

A bike polo match!

tommorw we can match wits with the tucson polo team

Tucson Bike Polo is played every Thursday on the UofA mall (East grass area) @6or7pm until we Mob out! (since2003)

lets see what they got!

Filling the Whole Bisbee

Some exciting things about Bisbee, AZ:
  • St. Elmo, the bar we drank and watched the 2008 election results was also the last meeting location of the Monkey Wrench Gang
  • The Bisbee Bicycle Brothel specializes in hand build lugged steel frames made in England in the mid 1900s
  • Some brave bikers went down into one of the world's largest open copper mines late last night.

Just sayin...

a sweet dance party can
break out at any moment

November 4, 2008

working the Bisbee Business

We are out of Texas!

Presently we are on the road West past Warez, Mexico (the home of one of the most terrifying series of unanswered female disappearings and deaths) To Bisbee, AZ where Spooky Tooth Cycles plays host to our sultry cycle program. A added bonus, The Whiskey Breath Burlesque is joining us in this screening (and again on Friday in Tucson)
  • Wed, November 5th
  • Spooky Tooth Cycles
  • One Cochise Row, Bisbee AZ
  • 8pm, donations
Also, they are working on having some naked tall bike jousting beforehand.

Honestly, we are thinking of making them some sort of award for having the best web page pimping the show.

ALSO we hear they play polo Thursday in Tucson. So we are coming ready!

Comon AZ! lets do this up right!

November 2, 2008

On our way out!

Will we find a space to show the goods in Marfa before we leave TX? Or we will attempt the dreaded pull out method?

October 31, 2008

Texas State Capitol

Riding in October's Critical mass was a blast! We hope to soak up as much rad bike culture of the South as we can... and so today we shall watch the BMX riders of 9th Street tear up the earth with their hard rides at noon then adjourn to Austin's premiere screening of Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation

Broken Neck
4701 Red Bluff Rd

October 30, 2008

Mobile Pole Dancing Platform

Strippers and voyeurs rejoice, the act of spinning sultry in public is now available to lucky cyclists of New York City. Behold: poleriders.

It was only on the street for one night in Manhattan before some SUV drivers found this and put it up on youtube.

Thanks for keeping bikers safe, visible and sexy!

October 28, 2008

My XXXs in Texxxas

Three shows in this massive land:

Wed 10/29
Next door to the Cracker House
416 w. Clay
8:30 pm

Sat 11/1
Broken Neck
4701 Red Bluff Rd
9:00 pm

Tue 11/4
(help us out here...revphil[at]gmail[dot]com)

October 27, 2008

houston show is on!

we're not sure where we are playing in Houston, but we will know soon...

on to ABQ!

Tonight, Monday October 27th, we play at
The Agency 111 4th St. SW. ABQ. NM 87102
$6 for cars, $5 for bikes

October 26, 2008

Comments Fixed!

Due to unbridled awesomeness (and some help), you, dear reader, may now comment on posts to this fabulous record of bike pornocity. Please reply to posts with sexiness, smarminess, and promises of yumminess (i.e. food and, er, other things).

October 25, 2008

Team Wreck represent?

Where are the thoughts of our cell operations?

Turning his attention to this matter is the esteemed Dr. Doom

cell block, doom, checking in from southwest coloRADocrew,things are playing out just as planned. i have installed myself as temporary leader of team wreck swc........the chips are in place, hell will reign on all who oppose the almighty team wreck and its blood lust for polo domination!!!!!!!! my love to distant players may your mallets fly true.................

How will our glorious leader, RKelly respond? Could this lead to further Team WRECK franchises? Will all the cycle glory be delivered to Rickreall, Oregon this summer like Aztec gold to Spain?

Our BikeSmut Cycle News Coverage Team hopes to have a reaction from Rkelly soon. Standby...

(Update: please see comments for RKelly's response...)


Enganging on the end of time, mountain biking in durango has become a matter of Herculean efforts to push skills and respect for others' skills. Tonight we recognize those people deserving of sick ass awards.

The Tunnel
The Soft Hands
Black Market Electric
Abbey Theater 10pm

When Polo Strikes

We are coming to texas looking to kickass!

Who will try us?

The Pork Barrels
Bike Porn Polo League

October 24, 2008

Finally Bike Polo

So it may not be the hardcourt we are used to, but it is still a gnar-gnar-in-your-face way to spend the afternoon beating up your friends w/ sticks.

Results of the Durango Pologeist Tournament soon!

screening in ABQ Monday night!

October 23, 2008

This guest post written by MC DisPencer from the heart of bike culture in Durango, CO.

Viva Passion Productions!

Our first day in Durango has been my most interesting day thus far. Traveling from Dr. Doom's humble abode in Mancos, CO, we traveled the short distance to Durango and were immediately dumped into an epic game of grass polo with the locals. Shortly after, phil's wheel became a wobbly mess of spokes, nipples, and a bent aluminum rim, curtsey of our own polographer Josh W.T. Woodard. The evening continued with an epic singlespeed mountainbike ride the outskirts of the city, ending at a local brewery. Eight cases of Ska Brewing's finest selections and roughly eight large pizzas got us energized for some barhopping. After some rooftop exploration, we ended up back up at The Space, swigging whisky, talking trash, and making trophies. Day 1 of the rest of our lives....

Rally of the Dead!

The dead will ride tonight!

Beer fueled single-speed bike action all over Durango starting Thursday evening at the Durango Cyclery at 6pm. Join us if you dare!

  • Friday, screening of the original, The Pornography of the Bicycle at the Power House Theatre
  • Saturday, Rally of the Dead 10am
  • Saturday, Live Awards Show 9pm
  • Sunday, Pologiest 10am

October 22, 2008

The best Mt Biking ever?

Yesterday we got to ride Slickrock in Moab, UT. Known for its soft, sticky surface giving excellent traction (provided you are not on a horse with iron shoes)

The screening at Chile Pepper was pretty spectacular. A screen that stood 15 feet tall dominated the fairly spacious room (for a bike shop). Thanks to our hosts and all the happy bike fuckers of Moab most of whom only learned about us a few hours before the show.

Immediately after the screening ended we saw a fleet of emergency vehicles heading south on Hwy 191. A massive fire had begun to engulf the night sky that was visible from miles away. The massive flames and billowing plumes of smoke were terrifying.

Some theories have been spread around about how it started

Either way, it was quite a hot time.

Today we meet up with Dr Doom of PUMA/world class insanity bike ride fame

Dr. Doom (on the left, wearing one of his own handmade Gore-tex biking vests) as pictured lasts year just after winning the Rally of the Dead last year. Phil's World could be the best riding in the world... especially for those of us with ridgid single speeds. Here is hoping it is at least less painful than riding in Moab. Our masochist levels are already peaked.