September 30, 2013

United States without Bike Smut will not stand

Hi again bikesexual patriot. Today we are taking note of our US penetration.

As you can see on this map, Bike Smut has been in most states but there is a definite zone in middle America that is suffering from lack of great sex and transportation!
Wyoming, North Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa, Kentucky, Indiana, West Virginia,  Maine, Delaware and Hawaii... 12 states! Which means that we have 38  states that have embraced us!

** UPDATE**  We got hosed by some 1 "helpful" person who said he knew the perfect person and waited until the day before to fwd the email and it would seem Portland, Maine is more comfortable keeping its mobility and sexual politics separate. We believe that Arkensas and Kentucky are very possible.

How do we reach this core area of high-porn consumption with low bikeseuxal population density?!?

Well in this case we are taking a bus.   -  /sheepish

"But wait! This was supposed to be a bike-powered tour of North America, you flew to Minneapolis so whats with the Bus?"

Of course no one actually said this, this is just an internal monologue that runs thu the mind of every biker from time to time whenever we are not feeling that we are living up to the badass history of our favorite form of transport. We can be quite self-demoralizing at times. It is probably best to pay no attention to this voice but rationalizing will come one way or another. In this case it is pretty easy.

  • 200 miles away, off course
  • lots of hills
  • lots of highways
  • lots of turns to try and avoid the worst stretches
  • 200 miles to come back to The Porny Express

The reward is getting to show Bike Smut to a totally new audience in a state we have never been to before!

October 1st
Moon Mansion 
1156 Hoyt Ave
5:30 pre-show 
7pm show 
9pm DANCE!

make it happen in the streets. only you and everyone you know will benefit.

September 24, 2013

Filmmaker Focus #1 - Bondage Barbor

We share a lot of movies. Every year we get about a dozen film and videos from various artists around the world. Sometimes they are professionals wanting to stir their creative juices, other times they are 1st time filmmakers who got a crazy idea and decided to run with it.

This begins our weekly series where you the content starved bikesexuals get to learn a little more about the people who turn you on to getting off... on bikes!


Right out of the gate, our 1st filmmaker has pushed all sorts of new limits for Bike Smut. Using consensual non-consent this film earned our 1st ever trigger warning:

I don't have much of a movie making back story.  The closest

 thing that resembles a back story would be one summer my room mate and I decided to make movies that year instead of starting a band like we did the previous summer.  We dicked around with cameras and editing on two VCRs.  I was trying to make a horror movie called Ketchuphead, where it's about a slasher in Chicago who kills people for putting ketchup on their hot dogs.  We shot a few scenes and it never really made it past that.   In 2006 I produced the D-Movie sci fi hit "Space Spider From Zagtron".

How did I come to bikes and bondage and hair... I think I had run out of room of places to shoot in my house, so I decided to scope out the garage.  I got to looking at all the junk and old tubes, etc -and thought maybe a bike themed movie.  And the hair.. .well, that's the main attraction of to my movies. Lots of hair, hair play, hair cutting, shaving, etc.  Bike Bondage was the 14th movie, and I guess I just always need to come up with new bondage situations!

Why do i like movie making?  It's the closest thing you can do to making dreams come true.  You can come up with an idea, a thought, a few words, something - and turn it into a tangible watchable feature that (hopefully) tells the story you want and looks like how it did in your head. Its the most absolute fun/creative/etc endeavor I have ever found myself doing.  You can turn an idea into reality. You can make something impossible happen.  you can trick people,. you can scare people, you can turn people on, you can create a whole feeling a whole #%@ mood with how you put together a movie. i like doing special effects, i like green screen trickery, i like imagining something and then trying to figure out how to do it with the resources i have. 

Why do i make the movies i do?  To provide an affordable service/product to the hair cutting/hair fetish community for unique high quality well done niche porn.  No one should have to beat off to bad camera-phone videos at crappy salons.

I actually had completed the movie about a few months before my boyfriend suggested i submit it to the festival.  the original non tour version is 18 minutes, which wouldn't work for tour, and is heavily focused on the boy's hair for large parts of time, which i to the hair fetishist is grade a 'bate material, but for the tour version, i scaled it back so you can get a taste of the all the aspects of his haircut, without taking away from the cliche-porn-storyboard plot.  i hope people gain erections and or some kind of arousal from my movies, or an awakening of being turned on by watching a hair cut.

I feel my features are fairly mild, and for many of my viewers, a large part of the hair cutting fantasy is not having consent from the barber.  I love to capture the simulated fear and anticipation  the coaxing, etc of the hair cut.  I'm sure there are many themes in my movies that people find disturbing or offensive, and those people aren't watching my movies, and even more likely not even searching for them.  The thing is, if you have these sexual thoughts, fantasies, fetishes - it's a guarantee you're looking it up online.  If one person's looked up 'forced haircut fantasy' - then you know plenty of others are also.   

I don't know what I think about trigger warnings really.   I don't really think people pay much attention to any kind of warnings, generally.  I mean, sure there's subjects I'm not too keen on reading about or etc, but there's not a lot to "trigger" for me, personally. I think the whole point behind TW's - is for people who actually have something to trigger off of  - and we're not just talking about people being  merely 'upset'.  So maybe over all, if I had to choose a pro or con for this, I'd kinda lean toward being pro trigger warnings.  Because if you're the type of person (like me, for example) ignores warnings anyway, then all it does is benefit someone who DOES read warnings. 

What do I say to people who think this doesn't qualify as porn?  If you jerk off to it,  it's porn.   I made this movie for people to jerk off to, so I call it porn.  If you don't, then it's not. 

September 23, 2013

Blowing up the Windy City

Dropping right out of Wisconsin's mitt into the industrious machine of northern Illinois, Bike Smut continues to roll! We are doing a human powered tour of North America from Minneapolis to Montreal to (maybe) Mexico (which unless someone comes up with a better name) is called the MMmM Bikes Tour!

We are powered by delicious meals so you should feed us!

Also there is one of North America's great vibrant Critical Mass happening this Friday!

Also we have great pornography, and for the 1st time (ever?) Chicago has made a movie for us!

We expect pretty exciting things as this program may make even the most unflappable Chicago bikesexuals do a double take. Expect to read more about your local filmmaker later this week in our upcoming segment, "Filmmaker Focus"

But for now, please save this fucking date

Saturday, September 28th
Co-Prosperity Sphere
3219 S Morgan St - in Bridgeporn... I mean Bridgeport
Doors at 8, Show at 9
$5-10 Suggested Donation

*smartypants viewers will note we used a similar title for this when we came thu several years ago. But most of you have internet-style short term memories so whatever!

September 20, 2013


This isn't over, Wisconsin!

There is more bike fucking action this Sunday Sunday Sunday!  Where you have a chance to get a 6-person team for next year's Riverwest24!! (one of the Midwest's most coveted bike events)

Riverwest Public House
815 E Locust St 
Two big screenings
8pm, and 10pm. 
Sliding scale $5-10 donation.
Adults only (it is a bar but really, you should be kind of mature with your sexuality)

Group bike ride meeting at Garden Park (Bremen & Locust) at 8pm, and ending back at the Riverwest Public House in time for the 10pm screening. 

Sponsored by The Greasy Gears, Beaver Boys, MKEBKE, & Riverwest24!

someone appreciate all the black and white here... please!

September 19, 2013

The Porny Express rolls to Madison

Assuming all the pieces of Duff Number Five are working Reverend Phil will be riding from Minneapolis to Madison and beyond. This is the 1st time in 7 years that we will have traveled from one city to another via bicycle and it is long overdue!

Our first stop, Madison, Wisconsin!

The Vault - address TBA 
7pm doors, 8pm pre show, 9pm films 
$5 suggested donation 
adults only
Food and Drink available for donation.
A pre ride will gather at ??

It will be a picnic, or as our social intern once said, "It will be a dicknic!"

September 17, 2013

Hop on The Porny Express!

Its here!

The Porny Express has hit the road and while we have done many shows already this smutty calendar year (in  Portland, Anchorage, Homer, Vancouver, Seattle, Salt Lake, Boulder, Denver, Ft Collins, and Minneapolis so far) now we will be doing it in the streets... WITH OUR LEGS!

Bike Smut will be Turning Trixxx no more, forever. But out of the ashes rises a John Holmes-like phoenix set to scatter the sadness from the bike porn-starved lands with our new program of human-powered erotica!

With Filmmakers from Quebec, Chicago, Gainesville, Oakland,Vancouver, Milan, Geneva, and Berlin, currently bike touring from Minneapolis to Montreal to Mexico...

It is time to hop on

The Hot, The Bold & The Foxy
A Montreal remake of The Good, The Bad & The Ugly. Incorporating high quality cinematography and the greatest western soundtrack in film history this lighthearted quest for the "sexiest bike in the west" feels absolutely epic. The three women, "The Hot, The Bold, & The Foxy," taunt each other riding and striping until as the music swells they fall into each other.

Power Up  
by Starlow Prud. 
Geneva radicals take the stage using bicycles and a remix of the Super Mario Brother's theme to "Power Up" vs the banking industry that is so notorious in Swiss culture. Gratuitous crotch shots and absurdist juxtapositioning make this hilarious political theater.

Freewheel and Fixie
by Clark Nikolai and Lee Foss
Warming up the audience for the gay action to follow, an aging bike punk in Vancouver makes lyrical love to a young fixed gear twink in "Freewheel and Fixie." Highlights include bike polo, chroma key and naked messenger action.

by  Marie-Ève Laroche
In "Vulvaline" a women remembering her earlier rides along the Montreal waterfront turns into a delicate masturbation session punctuated with an explosive orgasm. In collecting her own juices the saucy bikesexual will giver her chain the lube it needs.

Cypress Against Me
by Bill Nyhilateher
Anne Sprinkle has been touting the importance of seeing the earth as our lover, not as our mother. This viewpoint affirms the egalitarian relationship necessary to heal our planet, rather than seeing, as so many children do, their mothers as a source of endless bounty. Her inspiration has taken root in Gainesville, Florida where a gang of queer friends ride out together to explore the swamps and each other in "Cypress Against Me" The music is meant to create a transition between the hustle and bustle of city life and the calmness of hitting the trail to wander off on a swampy hike

Dick on a Bike
by Bike Smut
Our primary focus is to bring forth new voices. We don't flood the program with our in-house movies but we do give ourselves the freedom to be silly. Here we present Paul the Plumber's bike powered water cannon, installed into what looks like a giant ejaculating dick on a bike. 

The Bitchy Tutorial Series
By Gash Rouge & Officine Sfera
The program is peppered by a series of highly-styled educational shorts featuring beautiful Milano women adjusting classic Italian road bikes. With thoughtful informational text and razor-sharp editing these commercial-quality videos are startling in their style and delivery.

Brazen Saddles
by Julia
This teaser shows what happens when you have a lot of DIY, horny bikers working together to capture and present some communal bikesexuality. With scenic shots of Montreal and a plethora of young talent this movie is sure to catch your attentions. A full length movie coming to Bike Smut in 2014

Bike Bondage
by the Bondage Barber 
For the first time in Bike Smut history we get to share a new (to us and maybe you too) genera: haircut porn. A young, floppy-haired guy with a flat tire is walking his bike along a Chicago alley when he finds the Bondage Barber. He is willing to help this poor boy out by repairing his bike but he refuses money. Instead he will take his shaggy reward. Featuring light bondage and consensual non-consent this is the first video we have prefaced with a trigger warning. Read more from the director in our Filmmaker Focus 

Beaus & Arrows
by lala
Two women decide to practice their archery skills while reclaim their sexuality. A variety of sexy Phoenix bikers contribute their bodies to this love story of rediscovered female power.

We Come in Peace
by Frankensteinnnn
Talk about tight editing and high production values, these Berlin bikesexuals have made a mind-bending, sci-fi thriller! Featuring a snappy soundtrack, mass-transit bike molestation, internet-porn frustration and a "stich-n-bitch" craft session turned lesbian pillow party this video has more twists and curves than 3-piece woven handlebar wrap.

Our closer for The Porny Express comes from famed queer porn star, Quinn Cassidy, who directed his real life boyfriend to be teased, spanked, tied-up and fucked by ginger stud, Sebastian Keys in an Oakland bike collective. With help from our own, Miss Poppy Cox!

With amazing performances, interactive games and frequent opportunities for more joyful exploration before and after each screening!

WHEW! Did ya get all that? Its a whole lot of great, inspiring bicycle pornography and it is only available when it happens live among your bikesexual peers! We bring it to you and you get to meet other fun loving people who want better sex and better transportation. Everyone wins!!

Many of the films have incredible production values, but many are also slapdash nuggets of bikesexual brilliance. Our new trailer shows some of our favorite moments from this year and last.

This year, not only are all the movies inspired by the joy and liberation of sex and cycling, but the North American tour itself is human powered! This has not happened since the original Cascadian Bike Porn tour of 2007 and is an exciting challenge for our spunky team.

In 1891 intrepid riders spirited across the untamed landscape of the Western United States. Dubbed the Pony Express, they brought news from afar they connected disparate communities. This year Bike Smut will travel along a differently dangerous path. Braving extreme conditions and xenophobia we will ride our bikes more than 5,000 miles to bring this unique content.

Help us get on the right track. Connect your friends with us via these social media outlets so they may also enjoy these simple pleasures:

Did ya see the show? What did you think? Would you like to host a show? Leave us a comment and tell us what we did right and what you want for next year!

Hop on The Porny Express!