June 29, 2011

Punk as fucking bikes

Bike Smut has played nice for too long. It's time to get dirty. Alcohol, fire, fisticuffs, abrasive music, smelly dreadlocks, welding, Malthusian competitions, bicycles and pornography. A weekend of hardcore action in Warsaw at the Bike Punk Fest.

Bike Smut starts moshing at 20.00 this Thursday at the Elba squat (Elbląskiej 9/11), and then gets back at it again on Friday night at the Syrena squat (ul. Wilcza 30) downtown after Critical Mess.


June 26, 2011

Bike Smut photo blog changes gears

With our Bike Smut camera still in the hands of Athenian thieves and our Bike Smut photographer on his way to India from the Ukraine after being stranded in Greece for some time, the Bike Smut photo blog has been tragically silent in recent weeks. Thankfully, while we may have lost the the still image, we yet have the moving picture. So from henceforth the Bike Smut photo blog shall become the Bike Smut video blog, a place where you may be presented with nearly daily vignettes illustrating the exotic life of traveling bicycle pornographers. And because occasionally other bikesexuals create visual records of the tour that we want to share, we will also begin putting some material of the blog from other people.

So, come! Watch us in motion! On the Tumblr!


Across the continent on a horse named Johnson

Cars suck. We spit upon their noisome internal combustion engines. We wish death upon their isolating steel carapaces. But we understand that these machines do occasionally have their limited uses. Perhaps the most noble of these uses is transporting bicycle pornographers across vast distances at high speeds. The demands of our tour schedule and the sad inadequacy of the European rail system (which nonetheless greatly exceeds North American mass transit) forced us into purchasing a 1999 Ford Transit in a German town outside Stuttgart back in April at the beginning of our tour. And despite our detestation of cars, sometimes we find that a certain affectation can grow out of our affection. And so it is that after thousands of kilometers of hard labor in service to the advancement of the bikesexual revolutionary program, our 1999 Ford Transit has earned a small place of favor in the hearts of the Bike Smut team.
After taking us to 22 shows in 18 different cities and driving through 14 countries, and getting through seven of those countries without having a front triangle window after a vicious thief attack in Athens, and only breaking down in one country, our motorized steed has earned some grudging amount of respect from Bike Smut. So it was that after its epic 14 hour all-night gallop across the Balkans from Katerini, Greece to Ljubljana, Slovenia, the porn-mobile finally won a name for itself.
So now, with great fanfare and ejaculations, we unveil the title of our iron horse:
This is, as far as we have discerned, the only car in existence with a quadruple entendre name. How is that, you ask? How can one Ford Transit pack so much juicy symbolism into one pithy moniker? Education time!

1. Stonewall Jackson – Famed general of the Confederate States of America. Stonewall Jackson was the most capable and brilliant commander to fight for the slave-holding states. He was by a stroke of good fortune accidentally shot by his own men and died in 1863. For unknown reasons the Bike Smut van came with a Confederate flag emblazoned on the hood, so it is that the van bears the name of the General.
“My religious belief teaches me to feel as safe in battle as in bed.” - Stonewall Jackson

2. Stonewall Riots – One of the first eruptions of queer insurrection in the United States. Queens, fags, dykes, all of that rabble, fought the NYPD on Christopher Street for three days back in 1969. Discovering the real power that they had when they stood side by side with their community and openly confronted their enemies, that moment was a spark for the queer movement in the US. Bike Smut is all about the queer insurrection.

3. Marsha P. Johnson – Leading street fighter in the Stonewall Riots and revolutionary transgender activist. Marsha P. Johnson was on the front lines of the early struggle for queer liberation. But as a working class trans woman of color, the middle class white gays and lesbians who soon took control of the movement tried to push her to the back of the line. With Sylvia Rivera, Johnson founded Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries to push the movement for gay rights towards a movement for queer liberation. We strongly suggest that you read up a bit more about Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson.


4. Johnson – It means penis.

So there you have it - Stonewall Johnson, a van rich in layered meaning. Long may it reliably transport our bicycles.

June 25, 2011

Packing Meat in Poznan

Yesterday we were in trouble! A pair of traffic stops and search of our van, Stonewall Jonson, by Czech and German police made it so that we arrived at the Venue almost an hour late for the Poland premiere of Bike Smut! Still our forces mustered and played catchup with the local bikers and drunks who had gathered to see the wierdos. Little did they know that they would become so enthralled with the program that a repeat screening would be necessary!

Tonight (as in a few hours) at a defunct meat packing plant turned epic club

21:00 - doors
22:00 - movies

Then we will see what kind of trouble we can get into at the Bike Punk Fest in Warsaw!

June 23, 2011


Bike Smut forces have conquered many lands and now have our sights set on the former Eastern Bloc!

Presenting Poznan, Poland. A city of great counter culture, varied mass transit systems, and soon Poland's first Bike Porn show!

The name Poznan comes directly from the verb poznać, which means "to get to know."

Oh, we are gonna get to know ya... this Friday night!

Bring your bravest iron horses and charge!

whats on the menu?

What can we say about Bratislava? It might have been a cursed day. It was almost certainly our least popular show on the Euro tour, possibly even in our 5 year history!

Three interactions with police resulted in (thankfully) only a 120 euro fine (being a "stupid Amerikan" has its perks). The strain of loosing two porn touristas means lots more work for the two of us left.

Things started out great, with a modest audience gathering and cheering on our 3 opening performances, including the unveiling of our new Bikesexual Robot!

Like a good lover, the program which starts lighthearted and get more hardcore over time. Alas, the audience had been drinking for several hours, and were not very patient. Drunk bikers often need more than a gentle touch to get them rolling.

Nearly all the chairs were full, but the room itself was massive, which is not ideal. Nor is having a bar in the same space as the movies, as any distraction from the images is attention diverted.

The final straw was a technical issue that cut the image for 2 min.

Maybe it was just too hot in the room to watch porn when it was such a glorious night outside.

Oh well. You can't molest EVERY bike. And after a string of four excellent shows in Czech (Prague, Brno, and Pardubice were organized with only a few days to promote) one misfire is acceptable.

Still they make some delicious art. We dont think this will be the last we hear of Slovakia!

June 20, 2011

Kitchen love

We love bike kitchens. They're pretty much the best thing ever to frolic across the golden fields of the bike porn kingdom. A bike kitchen is a space for DIY bicycle exploration, and your city needs to have one. Open spaces for creating networks of mutual aid; sharing parts, spreading knowledge, recycling waste, incubating inspirations, blossoming culture - these bike kitchens could be the start of something special. Our desire is to share our bike porn with the saints of every bike kitchen in Europe, because they deserve it, every single blessed one of them.

So we're trying. So far Bike Smut has visited the bike kitchens of Vienna and Linz in Austria. Today, we step just one border to the east and come to the new Bratislava Bike Kitchen (or Cyklokuchyňa as the Slovakians say it). Prime your bicycle taste buds.

KC Dunaj
Nedbalova 4
Bratislava, Slovakia
22.00 | 21 June

Thanks also to the jiving anarcho-syndicalists of Priama Akcia for hooking us up in Bratislava!

improptu Brno bike ride

Hej, zitra mame v brne cyklojizdu!

  • Utery v poledne
  • Moulin rouge
  • slovakova ul.

oblecte si na co se odvazite


yes we have a bike ride in brno!

  • tuesday at noon
  • moulin rouge
  • slovakova st

wear what you dare

photo credit to these other fine bloggers

The porn is back in Czech, not in check.

We were passing through Prague and found out another another city with a lot of bike culture and sure enough we found a time to share our fine cycle erotica.

Bike Smut in Pardubice!
Wednesday, 22nd
Klub 29

Divadlo 29, Svate Anezky ceske, Pardubice
Facebook invitation

Home to the national Czech Chess Tournament as well as the regions finest polo players!

Your move.

June 18, 2011

Gender in process of being fucked, Brno next in line

The Bike Smut hussies are in the ancient Hussite city of Tabor, getting snuggly with a band of merry queers at Genderfuck Festival. Tonight we bring the porn, tomorrow we bring the workshop. For those of you at the festival, if you want to come to the show, you know which wall to find the festival program on, and you know who the pornographers with the bicycles are (if not, why don't you introduce yourselves some time; we'd love to get to know you)

From Tabor, we fly through the Czech countryside into the waiting arms of Brno. The radical bikesexuals of the Kulturní Kolektiv in Brno have delighted our cockles by seducing our Bike Smut team into a last minute visit to their city. We will be there:

Galerie Skleněná Louka ("nahoře")
Kounicova 23, Brno
20 June -- 19.30
Facebrick Event

June 14, 2011

Prague finally gives it up!

Sometimes cities are troublingly obstinate. Sometimes it's maddeningly hard to find a home for bike porn in a city. Like the clit/dick that you keep rubbing and licking and rubbing and licking but still no orgasm no matter how long and hard you try and no matter how you adjust your technique. And just like in making good sex, communication is the key to making good bike porn shows and getting to that climactic point that we're all striving towards. But communication is frustratingly hard when you're a traveling pornographer who's just landed in a strange continent without any knowledge of the local erogenous zones.

So when we tried to bring bike love to Prague, we just didn't have the right communication to get the city hard. We tried and tried, but for all of our stimulation of our contacts and potential hosts, everything came up cold and silent.

But in the end, the earth will be shaken by a toe-clenching, saddle-squeezing, throat-moaning, wheel-spinning bike porn orgasm, because Prague finally has a Bike Smut show! Soon! Tomorrow!

Our efforts have ended in triumphant success, and we proudly present to you...

Wednesday // 15 June // 19.00
Cross Club, 2nd stage // Plynární 23, Praha 7

Worth the wait.

June 13, 2011

Last dance in Austria?

Hot Dog! We got another show in Austria!

Tonight! Monday 13th of June our friends in bike sprints, bike polo and soon BIKE PORNO!

Styrian Sprint Shop
Münzgrabenstraße 7a, 8010 Graz

In other great news we FINALLY have a show in Prague this Wednesday! Details soon!


June 11, 2011

Fuck trees! One stole my bike!

According to the article in the Huffington Post they chopped down the "[ginko] tree, making off with the bike in under 12 minutes."

but in the video, they dont actually seal the bike. Someone rides the bike, then leave it were it was.

Guessing motivations is treacherous, but fun. What say you? Was it a simple act of thuggery? A statement against the environment? Direct action by anti-sidewalk activists? Or were we watching a complex relationship of bored motorist and "helpless" biker play out? Cause assuming that the bike was still there when the cyclist returned was it taken as a warning?

The neighborhood committee is out there, and it doesnt want you parking your fucking bike on the block.

June 10, 2011

Linz. In the binz.

The other day, I was walking down a street in Vienna, and I saw some kid standing there with a fine ass hot bicycle. "Bike Porn! Vienna Bikekitchen! Friday night!", I said. Said the kid, "I am so excite! But I am cursed by an evil wizard's spell and cannot be with you tomorrow night. But I am going to be in Linz on Sunday! I hear you also love Linzians! Where is your Bike Smut show there?"

For you and for all similar others, here is your answer: Bike Smut is happening in a big way on Sunday night at Kapu in Linz, Austria. That's 20.00, Kapuzinerstrasse 36. Hosted by the Linz Bike Kitchen!

Maribor wears its underpants on the outside

What have we here? A legion of Bike Smut superheroes, perhaps? Making the streets of Slovenia safe for truth, justice and the bikesexual way?

The superhero team of Poppy Cox, Liberty Sprocket and Reverend Phil have been fighting their righteous war against cars, bad porn and refrigerated tomatoes across the entire breadth of the European continent in a gruelling and trying struggle against the vast societal systems arrayed in opposition to them. The life of a bicycle warrior such as this is a noble but often lonely and thankless one. At last, in Maribor, Slovenia, they and every other local cycling superhero were recognized with a grand parade in honor of the super-heroic deeds committed by these sexy bikers every day.

So much appreciation to the Maribor Cycling Network for revealing the true sexiness of Maribor's cyclists for the world to see (and Vanja Bučan and Boštjan Lah for the pictures).

June 9, 2011

Vienna Resurection

Bike Smut normally follows the well-established operating procedure of 'Come - See - Conquer.' But sometimes we don't manage to finish the job. Such was Vienna! We performed our first official European show in this city in April; and it was a magnificent show indeed. But our show was not nearly as magnificent as it could have been, because we fell into a very common difficulty for the travelling pornographer: when inviting people to your porn screening, it's really really hard to convince them that you're not some terrible creepy sexist jerk. Which is pretty understandable; when you spend your whole life being surrounded by the effects of mainstream misogynist pornography, and then someone tells you "Hey, you should come to this public porn screening. It's 100% feminist! Really!", your first reaction may well be penetrating incredulity rather than transcendental excitement. And so was Vienna. When Bike Smut came here in April, many of the best citizens of Vienna assumed that bike porn would be another boring old representation of sexist porn, and so they stayed away. It wasn't until after the screening that they realized how TOTALLY AWESOME we are in every way possible. And then Vienna started begging for another chance.

And now they have it! We are back in Vienna for another shot at porn glory! Those who once turned us away in confusion and disbelief are now welcoming us with palm fronds and hallelujahs!

So come to the Vienna Bikekitchen!
Friday night, 20.00!
Address: Goldschlagstrasse 8!


5: SPEED is on!

Tomorrow night! (that's Friday)
June 10th
Two Thousand Eleven

get some

Clinton St Theater
26th SE Clinton
7 and 9pm

With movies from
Zagreb, Croatia
Memphis, TN
Vancouver, BC
Istanbul, Turkey
Toronto, ON
Brooklyn, NY
Katerini, Greece
Detroit, MI
The Appalachian Mountains
and Portland

You can't watch buy a DVD and watch it at home.
You can't download a copy from the internet.
You can only watch it with "others"

Other people who probably like bikes and sex.
So you should probably ride a bike there
and ride whomever you meet home.

June 5, 2011

Free Territory of Porn

Bike Smut has spent three peaceful days languidly sucking cherries amidst the rolling hills and twisting grapevines of Maribor, well accommodated in the house of Bike Smut's posthumously adopted grandmother. But Bike Smut requires constant stimulation and new experiences, so it is time to move on to the invigorating novelty of languid cherry sucking amidst the beaches of the Adriatic.

And so we depart for Koper, formerly the second city of the Free Territory of Trieste. If there's anything that Bike Smut was looking forward to in our European tour, it was getting lots of fancy stamps in our passports. So we are deeply saddened that the Free Territory of Trieste (1947-1954) never took flight as the independent post-WWII city-state that it was intended to be, and after several years of issuing postage stamps and fielding a national cycling team was subsumed by it's Italian and Yugoslav neighbours, leaving Koper now a well established part of Slovenia. Which leaves us only looking wistfully at the place in our passports where a Free Territory of Trieste stamp could have been.

The national cycling team of the Free Territory of Trieste in 1950

So this Tuesday, expect us to take matters into our own hands when we raise the flag of the Liberated Autonomous Free Territory of Porn in Rebellion at Koper's Bike Smut screening. If we are not given our free territory, we will make our own free territory. And so it will be:

Tuesday -- 7 June -- 21.00
at MKSMC Koper
(Youth, cultural, social and multimedia center)
Gregorčičeva street 4

Look! A map!

June 1, 2011

Super-Powered Bike Smut

Slovenia, you have only just begun to taste the pleasures of Bike Smut! After our excursion south to Zagreb, we get it up again for the north Slovenian city of Maribor, widely famous as being the proud home of the world's oldest grapevine. The world's oldest collection of amateur erotic short films about bicycles will be cruising the streets of Maribor on Friday in a bicycle superhero parade organized by the Maribor Cyclist Network. Because, yes, riding a bicycle does give you super powers, and better orgasms. And what do superheros do after riding their bikes? They watch porn! Yes! After drinking alcohol. Here is our schedule for June 3rd:

16.00 gathering
17.00 start of parade
19.00 snacks and drinks
20.00 bike smut screenings

22.00 dub party

We meet at Grajskem trgu (Castle Market), and from there follow the bike sound system into the moist warm folds of bike porn.