September 21, 2007

a somber evening of porking vancooter

The tour arrived, albeit a couple bikers short. I was nearly denied entry to canada because i told them i was a bike pornographer. maybe not the wisest choice but i had been saying it for so long... i thought i might make her smile.

she told me if i was working i had to spend 2 months filling out forms and sending letters to get permission to work in canada, because i could be depriving another citizen of being a bicycle pornogpher.

it was nerve racking, but we are here and we are excited.

tonight is the final night of our Cascadian Bike Porn Tour.

FRI SEPT 21 2007

--> The Pornography of the Bicycle ~ 7:30pm
WISE Hall, 1882 Adanac (at Victoria)
Tickets $5-10 sliding scale. Licensed.
Lingerie encouraged.

A night of sexxxy bike movies, pagentry, tassles, & two-wheeled foreplay. Emcees: Reverend Phil of the Portland and Ifny, Pedal Revolutionary. Witness the Bike Striptease!
Also appearing: King Codpiece, holy relics and the Creaking Planks, rendering tunes of the boudoir helpless and quivering. Afterglow tunes by Tom Cunningham IV and the Americans. Beer & swag sold to all comers. Portlandia cometh! Vancouverella awaiteth!

--> Naughty Negligee Night Ride ~ 11:00ish
Departing from the W.I.S.E. Hall
In the tradition of the Great Nekkid Bike Ride, doff your threads and head out into the night. See-though polyester, sequins, bits of fluff, tiaras and tootsie rolls, bring out your naughty bits and ride Vancouver en sassy masse! Raincoat check available. Clothing/Lingerie optional.

September 20, 2007

packing Bellingham full... TWICE!

what is a fiasco?

is it a disaster that goes good? I think i can recount it

* bike porn lost in Arlington
* 3 bike porn tourists show up and throw down and realize we didn't bring it
* bike porn found at the absurdly nicest peoples home in all cascadia
* Woody and Coco, our Couchserfer hookup drive fast to the goods
* the pickford cinema hosts TWO over-capacity screenings at 90+ people each
(one theat to call the fire department was taken care of as we found legal room for all the people)
* the porn crew stubles out into the late night Cornwall action
* some street heckling/bike porn lyrics to tubby drunk gangsta yelling at a girl "hey bitch where you going"
* he steps to the bike porn
* he gets clowned
* his friends show up
* i have to bob and weave to avoid getting creamed by HUGE mofos in more chains that a prison guard and too sober for my comfort
* situation difused eventually
* my glasses found
* bikers roll away
* a meth head walking down the middle of the street wearing all black gets warned
* Tackler lets her have it (totally an accident)
* Lauren is embarrased/tramatized/crying, meth head is screaming in "pain"
* methhead demands to have the ambulence called, then passes her pipe to laruen to dispose of
* more drunk ganstas drive up we direct them to the open lane without people laying in the street
* they slow down... then gun it into a our host, the Worms' Shawn's bike, which his my baby, Duff#Five.
* the firedept and police show up and assess
* we roll on, lick our wounds and harass Yellow Brake Maitland's sister and husband who live in town.

and now it starts raining... perfect time to go ride out bikes to annother country

and that's where we are at. if someone has a more detailed review (maybe more about the porn, just email me revphil*AT*gmail*COM

September 19, 2007

uh seattle, you got a little something hanging off your chin

Seattle received a face full of bike porn on Monday night and they handled it brilliantly. People were packed into every nook and cranny. Just as I would have them sexy bikers.

They laughed, they cried, and when they were done Seattle was not the same city it was before.

Big thanks to the people working (mostly) behind the scene who have chosen to remain anonymous. Also the CHAC, which is totally sweet place.

Tomorrow (actually only 19 hours from now) we will have biked to Bellingham from the deep northern seattle burbs (this pimp palace that lauren found on (i think)

2 (two) screenings at the pickford.

September 17, 2007


We are here in Seattle about to screen the show. we have some special presents and fun things.

Oly didnt happen maybe another day. sniff

I guess its time to get fucked

"historic" bike porn

Being the most notorious bicycle pornographer in Biketown, USA means you get lots of crapphy email.

BUT NOT THIS ONE! It is good email, with links to a bike porn video, that i'd like to share with yalls cause it is already online and who am i to tell people not to share bikes and boobs online. (plus I dont feel like trying to "empty the pool" if ya know what i mean.

Earlier this month a fine fellow comes up to me after the Cyclecide performance in Seattle and tries to show me with a video. I can t see it, so we share paper. Just a couple days ago i found the paper and emailed him. The result is good old fashioned homemade biker pron from the deadbaby downhill in august from this year

So the total result is, video shot in seattle, found a month latter in seattle and now blogging about it in seattle.

You would think i like this place or something.

We are about to screen The Pornography of the Bicycle for the first time in Washington in an hour, the deadbabies are bringing the sexercycle and I think there is a compitition for who can give the best ride.

There may be a second screening if the first explodes with huppy goodness.

September 14, 2007

The Bike Porn Conspiracy of Olympia

Most of my friends seem to be into conspiracy theories. It could be a result of a history drug use or it may be that they are the only ones paying attention, or both.

Regardless, I dont normally pay them much heed. But the saga of Olympia has caused me more fits than a tailor before a big gay wedding.

The venues:
  • Capital Theater
  • Manium Collective
  • Le Voyeur
  • The Mark Olympia
  • The Black Front Gallery
  • The Red Room
  • Midnight Sun
  • Brotherhood Lounge
  • Evergreen State College
  • Puget Sound Community College
With all these venues (and a few others I can't remember) we have not been able to secure a location in Olympia despide have ex locals help me out. sigh. perhaps we will just broadcast it against the side of the building.

Speaking of Manium, they have been writing me about how the city has been treating them unfairly. Sending Police around to remind them that they are not legaly able to have shows? Sounds silly (if not unconstutional) to me. There was a mess of other points they bring up in an email I got from the Manium folks saying that the City of Olympia has:

  • continually miscalculated their occupancy. At one point the city said Manium's occupancy was 12.
  • demanded Manium rebuild the stage so large that it took up 75% of the room.
  • done a bunch of other crap that I dont want to get into.

I myself have seen in Portland a similar process whereby the Govenment uses Fire Code to try and squash upstart business. But that is my own conspiracy theory.

September 13, 2007

Ride of the Cascadians

So I am showing some porn. you may already know that (i hope). But I am also joining a bike tour North to Vanocuver BC. That means riding our bikes from 100s of miles into the wind (likely).

It is absurd and wonderful and so are the people coming with me. For example, one of our members is riding his tall bike on the tour. His reasoning: "It is my only bike with gears"

aint that cute? totally practical.

naturally there is another blog for the riding with lots more info for you to enjoy:

If it peels good, do it

We talk about humping bikes, so why am I taking exception to this? I know that people are eager to find more porn in their daily lives, but really now.

I suppose I shouldn't be to demeaning, after all once a person has made the leap from flesh'n'bone to fabricated object where does it end?

Well if you were ever interested in using this device for anything other than its origional intended purpose than you probably would want to fill in those holes. Something the readers of this blog are probably capable of doing.

the FAQ is awesome as well:

Q: "How long do the hinges last?"

A: The hinges on the Banana Guard are called "active hinges". In the plastics world this means that the plastic molecules are specially aligned to provide for maximum strength in the thinnest form. As long as the hinges are not twisted they will not break with regular opening and closing.

Q: "You don't have an outlet where I live. How can I get a Banana Guard?"

A: We deliver worldwide.

Q: "Is there a battery attachment?"

A: No. The Banana Guard was designed for its intended purpose only as a device to prevent banana trauma during transport.

September 7, 2007

Bellingham Take Two... Loads of Porn

The Pickford Cinema just contacted me with exciting news. Due to popular demand they have requested a 2nd screening of Bike Porn.

So while I cant even get a response from folks in Olympia (yet), Bellingham is gobbling up the porn like a greedy lonely adolecent teen who just learned about the Internet. NOTE: for the record I am not pleased with this comparison. If you have a more appropriate analogy please let me know.

Couple this with the team of Canadians who are coming down to meet our tour in Bellingham and we have the makings for some hella. I don't know what kinda of hella, but it will be hella nonetheless.

September 6, 2007

East Van, Porn Commeth!

BIKE PORN IN VAN COU VER! mucho thanko to Ifny for setting it up.

We now have a date, time AND a location.

Stoic and respectable on the outside, and on the inside as well... for now. That all will change in just a week and a day.

We are working on a full schedule including an auction of some bike porn memorabilia and a live reenactment of the events leading up to my arrest during the 2006 World Naked Bike Ride.

We did this once before in Portland to a standing ovation (mostly due to the inspiring (maybe terrifying?) interpretations of perpetual cokehead/community college enrollee Amanda Trucsott and 0ff-duty bully Chad Stensgaard. DUDE! how bizzare is it that a google search for officer Chad Stensgaard links to

Perhaps there is no coincidence at all...

Anyway, expect hordes of people frolicking, no arrests and who knows what other kinda mischief might happen later

September 3, 2007

Bumbershoot my pants off!

i heart Seattle, and its not cause anything here is all that great, but damn i got some nice fucking friends up in this jam.

Bumbershoot is the most commercial thing i have been to since... uh Disnyland (circa 1996?). But luckily a bunch of dirty bikers (myself and many fine Deadbabies) along with the Cyclecide Bike Rodeo from SF we have made folks scream with delight. They even got on the cover of Seattle's daily.

Everyone seems to know about Bike Porn already. Will The Trucks perform in Bellingham? Will there be a second screening in Seattle? Will we even find a venue in Olympia?

so many questions, so little pork.