August 31, 2011

Bike Smut gets schooled

Let us cast our minds back, if you will, to the days when bike porn was but still a traveling collection of illuminated manuscripts concerning the sexual adventures relevant to horse-drawn carts.

It was in the year of our Lord 1209 that Oxford students first began "taking refuge from hostile townsmen" by running off to the quiet town of Cambridge to carry on their explorations of heady medieval theory, thus seeding the University of Cambridge. So Bike Smut finds itself treading the well-worn paths of history, traveling to Cambridge to practice our art after being spurned by the Oxford townspeople. While our Oxford experience may not rise to the scale of the St. Scholastica Day Riot, we did find our planned show blocked by a consensus-based meeting of otherwise charming young squatters (sparkle-finger-wavers will be the first up against the wall when us Nightmare Communists have our revolution).

So, now Cambridge! Now spurning the City of Dreaming Spires, we move on to the City of Lusting Bicycles. Bike porn is now en route to ReWorks, Cambridge's community bike, art and sustainability DIY space. We expect:

BBQ from 7pm
Films at 9pm

@ ReWorks
9-11 Harvest Way
Wednesday - August 31st

August 30, 2011

Pornographic royalty

There once was a cyclist from london
Who fucked bikes for the queer revolution
But riding alone was a yawn
She needed a peloton
Now she knows - bike porn's the solution!

Smut at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, hosted by Bar Wotever with Mr. Mistress! Tonight - doors open at 18.00, bike porn pushes the cranks at 20.00.

Royal Vauxhall Tavern, 372 Kennington lane, SE11 5HY London
Entry Free, but donations welcome
All Welcome!

Blowing thru your tight jeans like a warm summer .... something

With catchy beats and aggressively suggestive lyrics, the newest bicycle music video is one part Leslie Hall, one part MC Spandex. Breezee, who we are pretty sure has nothing to do with the bicycle manufactuer of a similar name, could to be the answer to the perpetual question of "why is it that bikers, who naturally develop excellent cadence often dont have rhythm?"

Not only does she have rhythm, she also has booty to bounce!

Enjoy this fine video which still (strangely enough) has only about 100 views.

The bleeding edge of bicycle pimps and jelly hos!

August 26, 2011

Bigmouth bikes again

Bike Smut's team of sweet and tender hooligans returns to the scene of our previous shenanigans, making certain that no Mancunian's bicycle desires go unstoked. Clearly, no other city deserves a return of our erotic cycle classiness as much as Manchester, because clearly no other city is home to the sexiest man to ever ride a bike and sing about it. So in honor of of the magnetic power of Morrissey, all the charming men of Manchester will be biking through the city streets to Salford this Sunday for a brand new bike porn screening at the Islington Mill.

Here is the gig:
Sunday, 28 August
Islington Mill
James Street
Salford M3 5HW

Pomp it up.

August 25, 2011

Kilts up!

Take cover! The Bike Smut Film Festival is back in action!

After a brief stint with no less than 4 cancellations by a variety of northern UK cities we are back in swing!

This Saturday we help say goodbye to an institution in Edinburgh that has for 10 years been providing a great place to enjoy fine art and more.

The Forest Cafe
Down in the Cave
Free (donations accepted)

August 16, 2011

Rapture and Ruin, the past and future of the UK Bikesexual

We have had a pretty stunning stream of badass media promotions and reviews. From Malmo's stunning 3 page cover story to the First Day's ass-ess-ment of our first UK show, we have been basking in the glory of great media.

Then we came north and things have seemed to gone to hell. Liverpool, Birmingham, Nottingham, and Glasgow have all tried to turn our uplifting program of short, erotic movies into a vapid, scat fest.

And now, thanks to the stunningly in-depth coverage from the London Evening Standard, not only have we been crowned the climax of bicycle cinema but apparently, we are Dutch.
Accuracy is a nice thing if you can get it, but more important to us is intention, and the intention of getting more active bodies to engage their communities is about as important as anything in the world. And in all fairness, the two hottest new bike pornographers are, in fact originally from Amsterdam.

So it is our great joy to present you with this latest recap of our Bristol show from Cap'n Bike Beard. With more mini-bike races and dance performances, we can promise that this media wont leave you wondering if you stepped in poo.

August 11, 2011

Manchester, united in porno bliss

Sunday Sunday Sunday!Lets enjoy some fine time with the good old sexy bike activists. Being active on the streets, be it critical mass, polo in a construction zone or what have you, makes you look good and feel good and you want to share that feeling. That is something that can only happen when we break down the barriers of our community. Fences, walls, cars and international borders do not help us get to know each other. But watching DIY, bike erotica does. Do it for your community!

Sunday 14th August

Meet at 2pm Pedal MCR for a lunchtime vegan BBQ in the park

3pm BIKE SMUT alleycat race. F U N Treasurehunt on bikes around the city.
Race in 3somes. No need to team up beforehand as we shall be throwing
u-lock keys into a hat to discover who will be teamed up. Fancy dress up
as your favorite Porn Star (real or imaginary) £2 donation to enter

5pm The Yard Theatre in Hulme for the BIKE PORN MOVIE screening + performance


Thanks to Boneshaker for helping show people how good it is gonna be! Clearly, folks is excited.

August 9, 2011

Bike Porn Three Day Weekend

So much! So much! Come bikesexxor with us all weekend long in Bristol!

An overview:

Le Mini 24 Hours Indoor Endurance Mini Bicycle race accompanied by Roejob Constructions ltd Live Improvised Symphony and a salute to Afred Jarry.

Les Velobici
plus UV Lycra Disco Party at the Motorcycle Showroom

Bicycle Basket Art Market , exhibitions, art and music co-curated by Boneshaker and the Motorcycle Showroom Collective
Minotaur Shock
Pip the Human Jukebox
7x7 Bike Mechanic DJs from the Bristol Bike Project

All at the Motorcycle Showroom
15-19 Stokes Croft, BS1 3PY

There's a lot to handle here. Let me break it down for you. Ok, here we go. Slides please!

Thursday: LE MINI 24 Hour Indoor Endurance Mini-Bicycle Race



y: RoeJob Construction Ltd. - Improvised Symphony (live) and a salute to Afred Jarry

I don't even know. But it's amazing! It's art! Everyone loves art!

Friday: Bike Smut

Oh boy, that's us! We hope that you like us too!

Friday: Les Velobici

Life-sized women on mini-sized bicycles! Using music and rhythmic movements to convey their profound joy at having experienced the divine blessings that bicycles have brought unto humankind!

Friday: UV Lycra Disco Party

Ever wondered what a UV disco party was? Well, you're not the only one. But we are here to show you the way. We are here to gently take you by the your Lycra-swaddled crotch, caressing your silky smooth and eerily glowing bits and pieces, and gyrate you to the irresistible four-to-the-flour beat. We're here to show you the pedal strokes. Just take our hand.

Saturday: Bicycle Basket Art Market

Charming! Small delights vended from bicycle baskets!

Saturday: Minotaur Shock

It's kind of a big deal. The electronic solo project of David Edwards (better known as Minotaur Shock). The sounds of many electrons going in very interesting directions.

Saturday: Pip the Human Jukebox

We're all about the human power. All about it. So to those electric-powered jukeboxes, we say BOLLOCKS! We shall tear down their tyrannous reign and replace it with our glorious utopia of PIP!

Saturday: 7x7 Bike Mechanic DJs from THE BRISTOL BIKE PROJECT

We don't actually have any clue what 7x7 bike mechanic DJs might be, besides 49 bike mechanics DJing. But we can provide some illumination on the Bristol Bike Project: basically, it's everything that a bike project can be. Cycle maintenance course, bikes for hire, repairs and servicing, a bike kitchen, women's night, 'Dr. Bike' - mechanic for hire, bikes for purchase, several vibrant community projects, and everything wholesome and bike-y.

Thank you. Class dismissed. I hope that you've learned your lesson and are coming to Bristol.

August 8, 2011

While London burnt, bikes played

The bike perverts in London are tres poetic -
...Through town she glides like a glistening jewel towards a spot where no cars go. There is nothing but grass, trees, sun and sky accompanying her and her bike as she lies down, places the bike on top of herself and frees her breasts from the dress; they are pushed up against the bike’s cold hard steel.
This English bike love comes thanks to the inspiration of our fully-packed London show, which generated the very effusive and emotional review from First Days, documenters of London's art scene. Maybe all of our European reviewers talk like that about us, but now that we're off the continent this is the first time that we haven't had to screw up their compositions with Google Translate.

Here is their documentation of our drag race outside the show:

August 6, 2011

United Kockdom Premiere

KAZAAM! We are not even across the English Channel yet and already London's bicycle underground is vibrating with the power of 1000 tremulous clits! What could possibly be inducing this crackling lightening storm of sexual energy brewing over a certain small green island? Why, it is the first Bike Smut UK show that is getting London all in a tizzy!

For example, this comment was posted on the Bike Smut London Facebook page:
"I'm getting wet just thinking about all you lovely bikers all in one place! What could be better than lots of amazing people from all different backgrounds coming together over the love of bikes.....and porn. "
Cant hardly argue with that sentiment. This is good because the community makes it good. How good you ask? Check this lineup of events:
7pm-8pm: Bike games and races. Including a DRAGRACE. Race bikes+ dress up in drag... you can even pull a sled and smoke a fag if you really are into drags

8pm-9.30pm: Bike porn films

9.30pm-2am: DJ's Bands, performance, games and ally cats will continue outside (weather permitting) for those who feel so inclined.
That is no less than 7 hours of joy. Hope you make it!

SUNDAY 07 August · 7pm - 2:00am
Passing Clouds
1 Richmond Road London E8 4AA
London, United Kingdom

Bicycle rePORN Man, Oh, Wow!

August 5, 2011

Multiple DIY Bike Orgasm

If our sold-out show in Amsterdam was enough evidence that the Dutch are primed and ready for bikes and sex (did you think any differently?), then imagine the awesome mayhem that can ensue when you mix Bike Porn into an entire multi-day festival for freakbike bikefreaks!

The DIY Bike Fest will have something to offer everyone with a mix of bike events, workshops, bike building, bands, vegan food, and of course sexy bike film entertainment. As we have learned from the other DIY bike events such as Bike Punk Festival in Warsaw, Cycle Slaughterama in Richmond, and Mini Bike Winter in Portland, to name a few, we know that we are all driven by the same collective inspiration: our communal orgasms for bikes. A multiple bike orgasm if you will.

DIY Bikefest
El Lokal Pirata
Hellingweg 127
Scheveningen, the Netherlands
Aug. 5th-7th

August 3, 2011

Playing in your Nether Lands

Oh Damn! Or really, Amster-Damn is more appropriate!

But really how appropriate can the Bike Smut Team be in a country that is called the Netherlands? As in "Nether Regions?" As in the lands "down there"?

Just look at this strapping Dutch lad, with his tousled hair, business casual threads, and folding bike that he's messing with down there. Between his legs...his mode of transportation bound in an impossibly twisted, yet seductive manner, ready to take him to the office? His mid-afternoon lunch meeting? Or to AmsterDamn's first screening of Bike Smut? We presume all three.

The Netherlands!

The land of bikes.

The land of sex.

Or is it? Reputations can be deceptive. For example...Sweden? In truth, of merely average sexual and bicycle openness.

So will the mythical Land of Nether hold up to its reputation? Conclusive results from our rigorous regime of bikesexual stress testing coming tonight!

Bike porn at the
Flimhuis Cavia
Van Hallstraat 52-I
Tonight! Wednesday! 3 August

Get in our way and we will CRUSH YOU

Block a cyclist with your fancy car, get demolished by a tank. It's really that simple.

Drivers who park in cycle lanes would normally worry about receiving a fine or perhaps having their vehicle towed. They probably do not expect to have their car crushed beneath the wheels of an armoured personnel carrier which has the local mayor at the controls.

But car owners in Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, may be choosing their parking spaces a little more carefully after the city's mayor, Arturas Zuokas, drove over – and wrecked – a Mercedes in a stunt to serve as a warning to anyone who thinks about parking illegally.


"In the past few days, expensive cars have been illegally parked in almost this exact place – a Rolls Royce and a Ferrari," says the mayor's narration to the video.

"What should the city do about drivers who think that they are above the law? It seems that a tank is the best solution."

We concur, Mayor Zuokas. Roll on, roll on. Our own team of bike porn scientists is currently hard at work in their secret underground laboratories deep beneath the DIY Bike Fest in Scheveningen, The Netherlands, perfecting the design of a pedal-powered bulldozer that will be capable of accomplishing all of this vengeful justice, but with the unmatched power of human muscle motivation. Soon to come to a bike porn film screening in your town?

Until then, the visual satisfaction of Vilnius: