October 27, 2007

Leave it to the professionals

I am back from an exciting tour of the Southwest. Thanks to the lovely people of Durango Colorado we enjoyed some movie priemeres, grass bike polo, death defying mt biking, hordes of beer, wine (like 20 cases)... I won the a sweet DFL prize for actually completing the race, and as of yet no one killed dabby... yet. Check some pictures at the Team WRECK blog

I returned home from my travels to find that a Scottish man was caught fucking his bicycle in a hotel room was found guilty and now is a registered sex offender.

This is the kind of news story that forces us to take a step back and ponder the future of bike humping.

Do the health benefits of an active bikesexual lifestyle make up for the potential danger and embarrassment of being caught in the act? Imagine having to go around to all the houses in your neighborhood saying, "Hi. I am a sexual predator. I was caught humping a bicycle, so you should probably not leave your pretty young Bianchi laying around on your front yard... for it's safety."

Perhaps we should organize a fundraiser for this poor, misunderstood, oversexed person. He may represent a desire that most of us are too fearful to admit or explore. But what is the appropriate response?
  • A bicycle kiss-in outside the jailhouse
  • A series of signed pictures of bikes with genitalia sent to the hotel
  • A sicker campaign like: "I fuck bikes and I vote" or "Robert Stewart does it between the tubes"
  • A new nonprofit formed to maintain the right of sentient beings to be able to fuck any inanimate object they desire

Perhaps the best course of action would be to make an instructional brochure with some guidelines to help future Robert Stewarts avoid being caught?
  • Do not trust a lock that you do not have the only key to.
  • Consider moving large physical barriers to prevent access.
  • When a maid asks if anyone is in the room, yell "Go away!"

Perhaps the only truly safe bet is to make it official and marry your bike. Be sure to have paperwork on hand, or stuff it into the seat tube, although you might want to laminate it first.

Which places are appropriate and which are deviant?

October 11, 2007

California, we are coming for you!

Who Put the Porn in California?

You did!
Just like with Ed McMahon's sweepstakes you may already be a winner of bike porn at a theater near you.

At the moment our offices are working overtime to schedule a California tour of The Pornography of the Bicycle. Do you know venue that should to host it?

Ask yourself these questions:
  • Do you envision yourself flying down a hill, carving up scenery?
  • Do you feel attacked by others due to your "perverted" biking behavior?
  • Do you yearn to hold a smooth, tapered steel seat tube?
  • Do you wake up with a hole in your heart the size of a bottom bracket?

Than you are an ideal candidate to help make Bike Porn a reality in California.

The tour spans 2 weeks from approx December 23rd to Jan 6th

Do you have what it takes? email our offices today!

revphil [at] gmail [dawt] com

If you are still not convinced try watching our trailer for the last Bike Porn Tour

October 5, 2007

Snorting condoms at Bike Porn Portland

Thanks Will Workforf Ood and all the clowns who made it such a special evening

Local Blogger writes story about blog

I suppose it doesnt get better than this:

I particularly enjoy this nuggget from the article:
You might be familiar with the term “bike porn” — it’s become a sort of slang for photos of gorgeous bikes — but trust me, this is something completely different.
HA! Take that all you old school bike pornographers. Your high detail shot of a 1900s lugged track frame with wood spokes is in yesterday's jizz bucket. (although I'd love a picture of this)

Presently there is more "bike porn" out there than I can wade though with a T1 connection and a bucket of tri-flo. Still, I get to imagine the day that I can hire Jonathan away to write all this crapulence for me.

Search for "johathan maus naked" on google. Its fun!

Thanks for the Mammaries

In the streets of Portland, Seattle, Bellingham and Vancouver BC they cry for more!

Every show a rousing success. Bodies packed in tightly to accommodate the hoards of eyes hungry for flesh and steel. A stranger's lap becomes necessary seating, the floor already a jumble of limbs.

Once thing that can be taken from this outpouring of support for bicycle pornography is, yalls are some deviant fucking cyclists and the demand for more bicycle porn is far from quenched (if there is such a thing)

Thanks to Jonathan for supplying images from our evening in EastVan, as well as all the performers, Leanne and her bike strip and receiving the Olympic rings as Vancouverella, Mykle's anti-erotic reading, Adrian getting Voodoo donuts stuffed down her gullet as Portlandia, GirlShawn for rubbing her uniboob in time, Ifny, Jasun and Cara for working the space and time from back to front, the Creaking Planks for the melodies, and the massive number of sexy cyclists form whom work so hard to keep happy and horny (or any of the interestingly awkward number of places between)

Thank you Cascadia for all you have done to make this possible. Perhaps I will return in 2008 with more...

Enjoy Calipornication

It appears that once again, this holiday season Shawn and I will find ourselves traversing the majesty that is California. Of course, this time we wont be showing Bike Love2: Outta PDX.

The dates are a little fuzzy still, but I believe that we will drive (eep!) straight down to LA, then take our time coming back to Portland screening it along the way... kinda like stopping to hump the flowers.

You could help bring Bike Porn to your home! Contact me and tell me you are a dirty Californian (or Southern Oregon) biker in need of release.

meanwhile enjoy some almost not quite porn that is not at all bike related but is on theme, kinda.