We keep picking up the goods. If there is one great thing about the Bike Porn Tour, we have a team that is pretty flexible. We have neglected to get pictures of all the great sexy bikers who have graced our sexy tour van, but zed from the City of Salt took care to get his pic taken with our jam of a decal!
Thanks to all the wild, ready and willing bike porn tourists who jumped in the Valentina Rocket Van. Your excitement is reflected in the pools of spooge left behind.
Thanks for all what you done to make this possible
But even tho the ladie are willing to share there bodies it seems that guys are just not willing to step up. Why should women be so wiling to put themselves on the line and men can just sit around and be lame.
WHAT THE FUCK! (spelled out cause its that irritating)
We need all sexy bikers (men, women and whatever) of all sizes, (slim, girthy, or Clydesdale) and persuasions (into holes, into poles, into moles?) to step up and appreciate themselves!
But this is a special plea, if you are a sexy bike riding male male in PDX step the fuck up! Or get put the fuck down cause anyone so reserved as to not be willing to have a good time shouldn't be reading this anyway.
Herm. We have to be careful when critiquing the astonishing lame nature of the internerds. So vast is its ability to deluge anyone not prepared for the onslaught of such craptastic data that just searching for "bike porn" could result in a nervous twitch in mild cases and closer to a grand-maul seizure in more cases.
But then there are some gems of pure brilliance. Those moments in time when one realizes that "yes, I do need a to know exactly how to disassemble my 3-speed internal hub, right now!" and you happen to stumble upon Sheldon Brown.
1. Frame section shall not exceed rim section, but rim section shall not exceed twice the frame section. 2. Front and rear rim sections must be equal except on TT bikes where they must be unequal. 3. Gearing must not be lower than 39x23. 4. Carbon fibre components look good on on a metal frame, but the reverse is generally not true. 5. Titanium frames must not be painted; carbon frames must be painted (with certain exemptions for unidirectional finish). 6. Bicycles must always be photographed from the drive side, with cranks horizontal and a large gear selected. 7. Quick release skewers must be horizontal and positioned to give the impression of being blown backwards by speed. 8. Gear shifters must be vertical; saddle must be horizontal. 9. No more than 5mm of spacers may appear above or below the stem. 10. Handlebar tape must match saddle colour.
Everyone got that?
Rules being what they are, we'd say a reasonable response to this would be pointing out some reasonable pie plate porn
Great cause there is only two weeks left before the EXTENDED DEADLINE for submissions to Bike Porn 4:PLAY is exhausted. Then you will be stuck in no porn land for a long time, unless you have the internet, which since this is probably the only place this writing will ever be visable seems an absolute assurity. Still that porn will suck literally and figuratively so good luck with that.
If you are on the fence, now is the time... get on your horse and ride!
Photo credit to Officially Lucky, whom in turned ripped it off the Bike Snob, which we were hoping we wouldn't have to credit. THE HORROR!
You hear that you American sprawlwads? The most sparcely populated city and they still have a thriving bike culture. Enough so that they were able to entice us. The good people at BikeWorks were so kind as to harass us into making sure we were going to head all that way north.
Hell yea we are gonna go there! It is home to North America's largest mall, West Edmonton Mall (which was the world's largest mall for 23 years from 1981 until 2004), and Fort Edmonton Park, Canada's largest living history museum. How we gonna miss out on that?
They even had a friggin THUNDER LIZARD named after them! Where the fuck is our Portlandsaurus at anyway?
Plus they play polo. So... yea, we are in.
Then it is on to Calgary where we get to play a fundraiser for their Anarchist Book Fair! Damn has self liberation ever looked so sexy?
Here's the deal. Bike Porn will be here in less than no time at all and all the sudden we got this big f-wad of an idea.
Dude Ward, aka CityLife Photography and Studio 303, is deeply enamored of us and all of our pornographic body and bicycle parts. In that spirit, he wants to make a bike porn slide show to run before, between and after the films. To that end and in support of all porn efforts contained herein and forthwith and to the exclusion of all other contradictory erectile functions, we invite and propose the following.
If you have a body and a bike and want to flash your ass:
Step 2: Advise Dude Ward that you would like to be in the Bike Porn Slide Show.
Step 3: Arrange a date and time to meet at Dude Ward's photography studio.
Step 4: With all your body parts, bikes, dildos, chocolate syrup, barbed wire, and whatever else makes you feel whatever it is that you love to feel the most, show up at the studio and make some fucking art. If you have ideas you'd like to try, plan it out, rig up the gear, and bring it on. We have a freight elevator in the building.
Things to know: The studio is completely safe and private. We will build our photographs together and your boundaries will be absolutely respected. Conversely, you are free to take your image wherever you want to go. Dude Ward's only boundary is that nobody goes beyond anyone's boundary. Lastly, anonymity is yours if you want it and yours to toss away if you don't.
You can come solo, in pairs, or in groups. Groups would be cool, because we can get a lot of shots in a compressed period of time, but we got to be respectful to the other residents in the building.
Moreoever we are having our show in conjunction with an art festival. "Stain the Stairs" is a showcase of local artists feating visual, aural and edible creations. Come by at 8:30 and stick around for the screening.
WHEW! We are glad to be giving the peg a once over! Here's hoping we can we escape the MANitoba!!
As joyus this is, our future is still troubling. Will we have such luck in sAsskatoon? Plus our examination for a show up your Regina still looms! Help the bike porn tour conquer the Canadian Plains!
Who will help us find venues in Regina and Skasskatoon? Email bikesmut[at]gmail.com
Virtually, and with emotion, we are taking the providence of manitoba by submission!
At the crossing it seemed "we done been pillaged by the rather tax-heavy border guard." And were allowed entry. For the border's billing purposes there were more than 50 pills in a container that seemed practically empty.
Detroit. The motor city that has been running on empty since the 70s provided one hell of a good time for us!
Besides being able to explore the vast wasteland and NOT get arrested for trespassing we also got to ride with the best critical mass crew we had seen in many a moon. Srsly, they took care to make pertinent announcements stating their intentions, giving some degree as to the history, and also pimping the fun times that were about following the ride!
Moreoever we had excellent fucking hosts who decided that we should be adorned with a huge fucking awesome warehouse party, complete with stripping fire dancers. A well stocked boozatorim with a heavy pouring bartender, and a smattering of slick art from local bike lovers. BTW did you know that Detroit had bike lovers? I know! crazy!!
Here is a fantastic video made during critical mass. Thankfully the place filled up pretty nice by the time the show started...
And what a show! We were able to get local nut job/ writer/ self-deprecating gentleman Jimmy Doom to step to the mic for some inspired rantings including a bike porn inspired bit about his momma writing a note to his pastor decrying his bikesexuality. Hilarious and on topic? STUNNING!
The audience was in pretty good mood, from the glorious weather that baked out hot bodies to the discounted entry for those riding bikes or the even more discounted price to those not wearing pants! How better to encourage watching dirty films but to remove those annoying leg garments!
By the end of the movies and our live performances the audience was... well pretty excited. And why shouldn't they be. Having a team of sexy bikers singing and stripping and cavorting is about the best way to make a room full of mature adults primed for more explicit action. Of course we are only setting the stage for such activities. Anything done by sex hungry bike sluts following a screening of Cycle Bound is purely on the shoulders (and booties) of the consenting adults.
Still we are happy to encourage folks to express themselves so, you could also say that while we don't explicitly encourage any specific behavior we also don't forbid many things either.
We are truly blessed and if we can do it next year we are gonna go with our hosts idea to combine the screening with a weekend of building chariots for a massive rolling party of destruction. Sure Portland* has for several years hosted Chariot Wars, but only in a small space of limited post apocalyptic insanity. Consider the differences when you have your choice of warehouses that are completely vacant, and have been for over a decade. Hell not just a few buildings, we are talking about entire blocks.
Get your battle armor ready but leave the foam behind. This is Detroit. Find a piece of scrap metal.
*We promised to not compare Portland to other cities. But this is not a comparison, right? But just to swell your concerns about our fascination with our hometown we will try to not even make a reference to PDX for 72 hours.
In the meantime, please enjoy these fine pictures from our friend, Thomas L. Kula and our own Courtney Rodgers.
"Sure sure," you say... "But what is it that you are "extending" out to people?"
Well that answer is more meta phoric than we would care to answer with specifics.
we're pretty sure this was targeted for/at the guys who actually have said "yea, it has got a hemmi"multiple times, without any sarcasm.
But yes we are exteneding ourselves, and possibly also "extending" you (or maybe "stretching"" is a more appropriate term?) because even though the deadline for Bike Porn 4:PLAY is officially May 10th, 2010 we are going to give you and extra couple weeks to actually deliver the goods.
have your finished movie in MiniDV NTSC format with 16x9 aspect ratio make it awesome make it tight make your friends proud (or confused, or disturbed, but no matter the emotion you are going for make sure you really go for it)
AND GET IT TO US BY JUNE 1st 2010
Bike Porn Industries 1035 NE Skidmore St Portland, OR 97211
thanks to the hella sweet MNPLS artist who made this terrifying image a reality
The ravages of the epic Backlash Tour has taken its toll on our 33 year-old curator, revphil pictured here with most of his team of PYTs in Boston. (NSFW) We are doing it for your love people. Be sure to say thank you and if you can, bring us some health care.
Thanks MPLS! We are really thankful you stopped snowing on us. On to Winnipeg! Photo Credit to Derek Kouyoumjian
Many North American cities are preparing for another World Naked Bike Ride. Both Portland and Madison are forgoing the "official" date of June 12th in favor of having the ride on the following Saturday June 19th.
There were five thousand naked bikers in Portland last year. This year organizers expect seven to ten thousand. We say, "Big fucking deal!"
Sure getting 1% of your population naked on a bike does seem pretty cool, but really what does a few thousand dicks on bikes really say about a population? Take into account the cost of getting naked bike lanes and all that paint (green boxes for the roads, glitter for the bodies) and you can see how the cost of supporting naked infrastructure could be in the tens of dollars.
Still other places get actual funding for actual humans (potentially) wearing actual clothes...
Behold, the not all that mysterious but still ever enticing Muffeapolis, Minnesota. Where miles of car free travel is as easy as urban gentrification.
So how does it measure up?
PDX and MinnMinn have been playing a bit of good natured one upsmanship for sometime. But regardless of how great either place is everyone who is considering a move has to overcome the, "It's great to visit, but I could never LIVE there... it rains/snows too much!" challenge.
In reality people who do live there are so fucking content you have no choice but be envious. Kinda like a lobster relaxing in a lawn chair in an autoclave... but rather than explore that half baked metaphor any longer accept that both of them are great places to ride a bike, write a zine, or otherwise feel smug.
But fear not! The cross-city war of the transportationally-aware utilitarian people does not extend to the humptastic land of bike fucking. Here race, class, and gender all are tossed out the window. However hygiene, active lifestyle, and the ability to do sweet bar spins ARE criteria used for establishing sexual dominance.
All the people in Chicago were very excited to have us play Madison. "Its the Portland of the North" some of them said. We are not exactly sure what that means, but its got our curiosity piqued. Like check out the sweet local made artwork!
1151 E Johnson st.
8pm Bike Ride at Capitol and W Washington
9pm Porn Screening!!
donations for the goods 18+
Then its on to Minneapolis and our final midwest show! We are supper excited... TWINS!
Most every brewery is either made here or used to be made here (or just has Milwaukee in the title). They have a nice polo crew that has recently gone though some growing pains and dont have a regular court.
However you say it or spray it, its going down like a drunk twink at a tall bike joust. TONIGHT!
2844 N. Oakland Ave
8:30:00 $10 18+
Thanks to our friends at the Tool Shed for all their hard