June 30, 2013

Alaskan Bikesexual Photos!

We are living the Alaska bikesexual lifestyle!

For the past two weeks we have been enjoying the benefits of an Alaska Summer, with 22 hours of sun (followed by an hour of sunset and an hour of sunrise, everyday) and 80 degree weather, (possibly due to global warming if yr into that kind of thing)

The vastness of rad folk have made it easy to forget about this humble blog which has been keeping tabs on the bikesexual revolution for the past 7 years!

These pics and lots more are available on the BikeSmut.tumblr.com

June 26, 2013

Impalin' Palin an airborne bikesexual fantasy

Behold scenes from our newest Bike Smut venture:

Impalin' Palin
an airborne bikesexual fantasy

For those who were not aware, Bike Smut is currently plotting amazing adventures in Alaska! We have a couple shows in the works. You can expect pictures from the cabin party show soon, but until then we are committed to adding crazy to the mix.

You remember Nailin' Pailin, right? No? Here's a little reminder snipped from Bike Smut supporter, Violet Blue

Two RUSSIAN SOLDIERS in long trench coats and fur lined hats.
RUSSIAN 1: (brushing snow from coat) Previet! We hate to trouble you but I'm afraid we have a flat tire.
SERRA peeks through a window next to the door. We see a smoldering Russian tank crashed into a tree in her front lawn. She shoots them a skeptical stare.
RUSSIAN 2: We were wondering if we could use your phone to call the Kremlin.
SERRA: I'm sorry fellas, I don't speak Russian.
RUSSIAN 1: Knock knock.
SERRA: Who's there?
RUSSIAN 1: Sherwood.
SERRA: Sherwood who?
RUSSIAN 1: Sure would like you to come over here and [redacted] [redacted] [redacted].
SERRA smiles. She slowly crawls across the floor.

Of course trying to improve on the existing work is no small challenge. There has been many hard training sessions.

We are still casting. Danny Macaskill get back at us!

June 8, 2013

Willy Wonker and the Obscenity Factory

Recently a particular bicycle pornographer's "wang" was held on high on some other bike related website "above the fold" as it were.

Witnessing the torrent of comments has often been an exciting pastime for those who fully endorse the culture of hating. This proved to different, as some were lauding the lasciviousness while others were judgmental of the junk and those who would share it.

To respond Bike Smut's crack team of investigators spent nearly a quarter-hour trying to capture the image as it was seen on most people's computers.

Did you miss that? We have heard this pornographer's penis might be too small for legal action, but no topic is too small for the determined people who are clearly the only ones "thinking of the children" while reading about bicycle pornography.

To assist those who could not see the 16 x 19 image (so small it, in fact, broke tumbler) our team worked for nearly another eighth of an hour to digitally enhance the #offensivePenis.  If you are reading this on your work computer at work with your boss looking over your shoulder just looking for a reason to fire you then you will probably loose your job in 3, 2, 1, and

Yr fired.

Bike Smut should stop there, but since we are not beholden to the shameful nature of patriarchal society, we are about to share with you an even larger version of this monstrosity. Using the powers of Blogger (whom at this very moment are inventing a new form of technology that will make this blog less accessible) we have expanded this image to nearly its full potential. Were you to ride your bike naked in Portland tonight you might experience this horror...

Nevermind if you are at home or even already masturbating in the bathroom, if you look at this image everyone you know will certainly loose their jobs. You have been warned...

Trying to track the unemployment caused by this event is no small task. Driven to learn about transportation and forced to examine genitalia for hours, the vast number of Portland's "wonks" (aka "transportation advocates") will likely all be unemployed within the hour, but that is not the worst of it. Unemployment could reach an all time high this weekend. The Internet is about to become a flurry of naked bikers as torrents of photos plague the otherwise diligently working population of Portland.

Our economic-bikesexual industry correspondent, Ali Blubal, warned of a potential "end of times" style economic downturn.
We are really flirting with disaster because while sure, those peni and cliteri are flaccid now what happens when they catch a little breeze? Will they stay limp? If not the situation could turn ugly.  or will there be a photograph of We don't know if it will be just a small bump, a serious pothole or if the economy is actually going to plummet into a vast nether regional abyss.

Possibly the only way to turn this situation around would be for the Mayor to declare a state of naked emergency. At that point Charlie Hales would have a few options, he could try to tell the police to use their batons to fight back the erect penises, but a more progressive idea is to actually embrace the penal onslaught. Could hiring all the underemployed photographers jump start the flailing economy?
 Perhaps, but we expect the economy to spiral causing more people to give up their jobs, and those people having no money will likely turn to naked cycling for entertainment, which of course will cause more people to loose their jobs. We may witness the end of capitalism before the end of the summer.

Thankfully Bike Smut is about to unveil their 2-step recovery program for those affected by the OffensivePenis. Details are still be worked out but it goes a little like this.

June 5, 2013

Help the world's largest herd of bike dicks n cunts

Soon the joy of riding naked will be yours! In cities all over the world bodies are demanding being seen as beautiful, a rejection of isolating car culture AND those that seek to profit from feeding insecurities.

If you happen to live in Portland we need your help to make our ride more fabulous. We expect there to be more than 5 thousand people riding as bare as they dare. This is the biggest naked bike ride in the entire universe (at least in our solar system) and it is happening this Saturday night!

The night will be warm (high 70s that day) and magical.
We expect a huge turnout and we REALLY need more volunteer help!
We need people to wander though the crowd asking for donations. We need volunteers to help  B-Line check bags and help keep an eye on trash before the ride leaves. We need ride along mechanics.
Here is a complete list of the help we need: Volunteers needed
Click the "Sign up to Volunteer" button and follow your passion.
We meet at the Portland Art Museum at SW Madison and Park. Volunteers need to check in no later than 9:30 at our table.
Admission to the Cyclepedia exhibit is $1.00 per article of clothing from 8:00 pm to 10:00 that night.

June 3, 2013

Ride for your lives, its the World Naked Bike Ride!!

Nudity in the streets? Smiles and high-fives between strangers? Skateboards, bikes, roller skates and unicycles traveling together in harmony?!? What is going on?!?

Its the World Naked Bike Ride!
(aka WNBR)

What on earth or skies above could compel reasonable humans to shed their clothing and parade around naked in public view?

The answers may be as varied as the body shapes riding but here are a few popular answers:
  • To encourage active bodies and healthy communities
  • To protest oil dependence and car culture
  • To crush patriarchy
  • To have fun!

Ride on June 8th in many places around the Northern Hemisphere:

Some places will ride naked on other days
Brussels: June 15
Toronto: June 15
Austin: June 15
Halifax: July 13
Philly:  August 25

Dont see your city here? Well you can plan a ride and add your ride to the list!

Naked cycling is a virtuous cycle; the more people who do it, the safer and more fun it is!

Bike Smut has proudly been supporting the WNBR before either Bike Smut, or the WNBR actually existed! Try to wrap your brain around that historical nugget.

Media via BikePortland.org, CycloNudista.be, and the Austin WNBR