Internal Experssion 4

Internal Experssion #3

RedHot Love:

A story of loving a bike, riding with a man you like, and overcoming the shit that gets in the way

By Jane, Jinptown@yahoo.com

I was so excited to ride my latest love, RHonda, a vintage Huffy Red Hot, in the World Naked Bike Ride. She is so sweet. All original, red, three speed coaster hub with ape hangers and flames on the banana seat and chain guard. Fucking Flames. It was a first date for me and Kat, this hottie I met at a party a week before as well as RHonda’s debut.



I had discovered my beloved RHonda on Craigslist earlier in the week and immediately knew from her sexy pics I had to have her. After a quick clean up and underwear change I set out to bring her home and make her mine. Two long, agonizing bus rides to meth fogged territory I finally reached my destination and found RHonda was as spectacular in real life as she was in her pictures. Her heart was true but her wheels were not so I gingerly pushed her back to the bus stop. After two more excruciating bus rides back to my hood I dropped her off at a supposedly reliable bike shop. I asked them to give RHonda an examination and restore her to her original grandeur. They said they would. Liars!


Saturday morning I got the call that I could pick up my sizzling Red Hot. I gleefully skipped the few blocks to the bike shop. When I arrived they wheeled her around front and told me they could not fix the gear wire. They also said they aligned her wheels and she was good to go. Liars!


I noticed RHonda was a little tight on the way home but assuaged my fears with self assurances that stiffness could be expected from a bike that had been neglected in a garage for years. I brought her into my backyard and tenderly polished off the rust with cola and a wad of aluminum foil. She sparkled, she dazzled, she shined. RHonda was ready to roll, or so I thought.


Having cared for my magnificent new ride I went into the house to shower up. I sparkled, I dazzled, I shined. Kat came over and we had a light dinner. The night was going well and we we’re ready to roll the slightly downhill way to the NW Portland warehouse that served as the meeting spot for the World Naked Bike Ride. We got inside, got naked, got lubricated and then got back on our bikes.


Amid a horde of happy, stripped down cyclists I straddled RHonda proudly and chatted Kat up while waiting for the ride to commence. The night was going well and we began to roll.

The WNBR’s route took us back the way we came. This direction was slightly uphill. I really had to work to keep RHonda moving at the same pace as the other cyclists. The sea of nude bodies on bikes around me prevented me from picking up speed and I perceived that I was having to push harder than the riders around me. A lot harder. I was having to stand up and strain to keep my cherished Red Hot moving.


Kat noticed my distress and I embarrassedly assured him I was fine, A Okay. I don’t think he was any more confident about my assurances than I was but I tried to keep my poise, this was a first date. We continued to roll, and I continued to strain with a strained smile.


As we progressed down 23rd I began to realize that all that straining was taking an unpleasant toll on my body. I was feeling an impending need. You know that feeling. I considered my options, contemplating just how urgent that need was while trying to make witty chit-chat with Kat. After a few more blocks of deep deliberation I realized that need was urgent indeed and if I didn’t beat a hasty retreat I would leave a steamer in the street. The choices were clear. I would have to bust a move and move my bowels or move out of P-town.

But what to tell Kat? At that point it didn’t matter. I veered off the route yelling “gotta go, fearing the turtle” over my shoulder fully expecting that would be the last thing I ever said to him. I rode RHonda as fast as I could with my exposed cheeks clenched all the way home barely making it to the sanctuary of my bathroom. After the sweet relief of release the humiliation and dread set in. What, if anything to say to Kat?

I decided to use the completely pansy from of communication and text him. He replied with an understanding message saying he wanted to meet up with me. Maybe the night wasn’t a total bust.

I’ll probably never know for sure whether he came back for Rhonda or for me but Kat came over that night. Being a bike mechanic he immediately wanted to inspect Rhonda. He delicately flipped her over and placed her on her back so he could peer into her inner workings, lustfully examining every nook and cranny. He discovered her wheel was catching frame and that is why I had to strain. Kat fixed Rhonda and then turned his attention to me.

Part two of RedHot Love coming soon

Internal Expression

Last week we asked the world, "who wants to be a bike pornillinare?" We got a supprising low ammount of spam, but even more impressive is that we got some amazing interns! (six and counting). Some were stunned, flemmexed even by our alluding to our interns potentially being paid in the occasional hot meal. Luckily we knew that a real committed intern would be hungry.

We have shared many a steamy prose post in the past... well, actually just once. But we are gonna have more soon!

And so, this week we proudly announce the 1st release of the collective juices that we hope will continue to flow from our vast well of bikesexual fluids.


BIKE LOVE IS...

When you wake up next to the sweetest ass homie lover friend and know that getting on your bike is the first thought in your mind, pushing through traffic while others are honking in pissed off vessels you glide in between them with you and your steed. You are free, feeling good, and hauling ass and have trust in yourself and your bike. Cause you can feel the speed between your legs and rain going everywhere, it's wet and you don't give a shit cause it's Portland and it hella rains and people go into boxes for showers at night to pour water on themselves and your accepting the fact that your gonna get wet, so enjoy it. You know its good cause you having a kick ass time and your ride looks good on you, you look good riding. cause you pass other bikers and say hell ya what's up buddies, cause you inspire people on the max, in cars, walking, to get on a bike.

Its bike love because you are apart of a cultural revolution, cause we are self powered, and changing lives for the better. Cause it's your alone time to process and think/spiritual and also a fun social time when you all go out for a ride with your friends. You know it's love when some aspect of the bike world is steady on your mind spinning circles of lubed stems and Allen key dreams. It is love when you film your partner and you fucking and playing with shadows.

You are free to take your ass home anytime, you can rely on yourself. Cause it is a scary world out there and your fucking Bonnie and or Clyde of the bicycle world and we ride on fucked up roads, around cell phone car talkers, drunkies, and we do it anyway. Some outta circumstance, some for the thrill, others for the ride/pride. Love cause it forces people to get in shape, slow down, learn how to totally fix your own transportation, give a shit about the environment,not to buy into the giant auto corporate world, and learn about a long existing culture.

Bike love is defending bikes on roads and taking care of every cyclist, old, young, fixie, commuter...you love and respect them. It is Bike Love cause you recognize and appreciate how cush it is to ride in Portland than most cities. You know it's love at the end of the day you ride your tired ass home and enjoy the sweet silence of the 3 am roads, when you are the fucking Lonestar of Portland travel, you get to see so much more beauty passing by on a bike.

Cause you know your ride is taking you home. You arrive grit teethed, bike tire greased, a little wet. You hang it up or lay it on a wall, give it a look and say 'damn', we made it through another day. You take your clothes off, helmet on, and go back to bed with the sweet ass you let earlier....This is Bike Love.

The words of Megan Denton, photographs coming soon. Stay tuned!*


*BONUS QUESTION: Ok, internerds, while attempting to make a cleaver linked reference to a bicycle repair website we were stopped dead in our tracks. Do we reference the new school which while mild mannered does impart some sage advice while giving a loving bicycle embrace at the end of the video... OR do we link to the old school. Which should we have linked to when we said, "Stay tuned!"? Is it gonna be new media or web "uh... point oh"? Who ya got!?!

Answer this and dont forget to let us know what you think of our 1st Internal Expression

Verbal encouragement

One of our top priorities in the coming year is some sort of bikeporn encouragement meter broken down per location. Near the top are perennial debauchee encouragers New Orleans, New York, Toronto, and Atlanta as well as the little bike porn capitol of the rockies, Salt Lake. Plus who could ignore Asheville NC with its world record tall bike erection. All are looking to host bike porn and a pornometer would help us make our tough choices about where to go. But where as many a city promises booze, cookies, and spandex the town of Albuquerque might be in the lead after we received this lovely prose:

Wanna ride bikes?

The frame

Firm but compliant beneath me

Just the right size

Made to fit only me

The cadence

Steady and long

Tension and release

Until the motion is a smooth revolution of muscle

The chain

Linking the various pieces into a fluid continuum

The wheel

Revolving

Hurtling me forward

To places I hadn’t dared to imagine

The spokes constant tease of

Tension and Release

The tires

The scalpel edge

Tearing me forward into new frontiers

My bike and me

Transporting each other passed the bounds of imagination

Until all muscles firing in this game of

Tension and release, tension and release

Pounding hard into unexplored worlds

Tension and release

Ecstasy

Huzza bike porn citizens of "The Que!" They certainly did show us some bike love when we visited there in November of 2008.

Warm up those temptation engines! Tell us when where and why bike porn should be played!

send bribe laden email to:
bikesmut@gmail.com

photo credit to o . . . phuck!™