Chain Whip Tour

Hey friends of bikes and sex. This Autumn selected cities in the western United States will receive the Bike Porn Chain Whip Tour.

• 10/14 Boise, Idaho
• 10/16 Ogden, UT
  
• 10/17 Salt Lake City, UT
  
• ?? Fort Collins, CO
• 10/23 Boulder, CO
• 10/30 Denver, CO
• ?? Fruita, CO
• ?? Moab, UT
• ?? Durango, CO
  
• 11/8 Albuquerque, NM
  
• ?? Flagstaff, AZ
• 11/14 Las Vegas, NV
• ?? Reno, NV
• ?? Ashland, OR
• ?? Eugene, OR

If you live in or near these places on this proposed route contact us (bikesmut[at]gmail[dot]com) and request a screening.

If you are not in this tight western circle just wait! A massive tour encircling much of North America (sorry Mexico) is being planned in the Spring! Some cities were not included cause google can apparently only handle 26 stops. WTF?

Non verbal encouragement

Here is hoping we get to travel to Durango, Colorado this coming September for the Single Speed World Championships.

Seriously, the fine bikers of Durango have for the past few years, attempted to murder many seemingly sane bike riders using the side of a mountain as a weapon.

We showed The Pornography of the Bicycle in Durango last year during the Rally of the Dead we successfully disturbed some and moved many many others.

What will the future hold (between its legs)?

Seattle Gay Bike Porn News

Thats right we bike porn folk have been dubbed good enough for government work by the gayest news in Seattle.

Then, the earth shook. Tour de Pants is the short film that quieted the room. It took the viewers a few seconds to understand what they were seeing. You see, our good Reverend Phil had a little surprise in store for the anarchic cadre of two-wheeled enthusiasts:

Scott Rice - of SGN


BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE! Learn more about the history of bike porn than you thought necessary with this secret info about the curator of the Bike Porn series...

Helthy and Sexy?

So although there is a def connection between looking good and feeling good clearly there is more to this. than we might other wise know about.

Who is to draw the line? When does preoccupation about outward appearance of health become a net-health looser?

Shouldn't we all be happy to be alive?

That is where bike porn comes in. Being active and alive and able. There are lots of ways of achieving this. But the freedom inherent in moving under one's own power is pretty intoxicating. So when you are given the ability to surf the internet under your own power we have to wonder about the nature of "traveling" and the health benefits.

split ends make means

Over the past few years hardly a show has gone by that someone didn't tell us they were terribly bothered by the content. It is a source of pride that we have consistently shaken so many otherwise unmoved people.

Well it is one thing to hate on a curator when you watch 90 min of sweet bike sex when you were expecting to see just pictures of bikes (yup it happens). But what about hating on thy neighbor?

This article about a DC bicycle and porn shop makes lots of sense to us, but we might be biased.

So many questions sprint up.

Why is gay porn twice as expensive as straight porn? We fear the day when all porn is gone from the gritty streets and the only way to get off is to log on. Don't tell us not to hate the internet! For that hate is a joy beyond measure.

Our fingers are crossed that there is a nonprofit out there archiving all the best porn so that after the apocalypse when the connections are all down and all we have is an old VHS player we are still able to kick it with ease.

Aspiring entrepreneurs. Don't let this idea fall by the wayside. Start hoarding porn today and tomorrow we might still get a long. Actually we hope for many longs ideally.

Deadbaby Weekend primter - Sunday

Sunday
10am Bright and early you are enjoying a friendly game of bicycle polo. Not counting the cities you have been to you meet jaunty players from Dayton, Richmond, Ottowa, Pensacola, and Anchorage. The teams are engaged in a massive double elimination bracket after the second loss they can say goodbye to being a champion. But they can say "Hello Nurse!" so be ready for staggering quantities of hilarity.

1pm The Dead Baby water bottle you drank out of the last 2 nights is very useful in keeping a low profile all afternoon. You wisely put a unique sticker on it to distinguish them from other deadbaby water bottles cast about Magnuson Park.

2pm You take in an exhibition game of tall bike polo. (note: this probably will not happen in fact this probably has never happened and will never happen, so don't ask for it to happen, cause it wont.)

4pm After all the drama and excitement the tournament has been narrowed to a handful of the best teams. You decide it is time to try to understand the rules.

NORTH AMERICAN HARDCOURT BICYCLE POLO CHAMPIONSHIP RULES

GENERAL INFORMATION:
• Three player teams.
• Games to 5 with a 15 minute time limit. No tie games.
• Double elimination tournament.
• Bar ends and mallet ends should be plugged. No exposed outer chainrings.

SCORING:
• A score is only counted when the ball is hit with a strike using the end of the mallet head.
• You may not score on a shuffle
• You can’t score on yourself

NO:
• No throwing mallets.
• No “unlike” contact. Example: Mallet to Player, Player to Bike, Mallet to Bike, etc.
• No high sticking (above handlebars).

PENALTIES:
• Dabbing or minor rules violation: Tap out.

DON’T BE A DICK
• Don’t be a dick.

6pm you discover one of the most important ideas that separates organized hardcourt from organized grass bike polo is the number of rules. But as a spectator its not nearly as important to know the rules as it is to know that heckling and jeering is as crucial to the game as the players themselves. It is a game after all, if it is not fun, it should not be played.

8pm a champion is crowned and will travel to Philadelphia for the Worlds (although it is debatable how many hemispheres have to represent to have a worlds). Our sexy bike team is hoping to score a special prize offered up to the team with the most clASS.

Deadbaby Weekend primter - Saturday

Saturday

The hot, celestial orb of hangovers sits on your chest farting hot beams of light into your eyes. Your attempts at shutting out the pain are ignored as your friends drag you to a magical place where the industrial age has left a rusting postcard to remind you of a time we built giant things that look fucking sweet.

Moreover there are another 30 some kegs of beer that need drinking!




11am New Belgium Brewing tour de fat.

• Sean Hayes
• The Pimps of Joytime
• Handsome Little Devils present: Squirm Burpee Circus
• Nanda
• Portland’s Original Mini-Bike Dance Troupe: The Sprockettes
• Lloyd Family Players Salsa Drum Corps

Not bad, moreover even though they are charging for beer, they give all their profits to charity. Which they dont have to do, but they nice people.

4pm you owe it to yourself to check in on the action at the North American Hardcourt Bike Polo Championships. Its gonna be a long hot day, and with 4 courts there is going to be non stop action for about 10 hours straight.

8pm its about dark and you might try to rekindle a relationship with your liver by eating some starchy foods or anything to soak up the sauce you been pouring down your gullet for the past couple days.

9pm so much for that brief stint with sobriety, the sun has set and your mind turns to the perverse, its the Seattle premiere of Bike Porn 3! Heyo! We somehow managed to pimp our own event! Go us!

• Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound
• Saturday, August 8th
• Seattle Musical Theatre, Building #47, Magnuson Park
• 7400 Sand Point Way NE
• Seattle, WA 98115
• 9 and 11pm
• $7 includes live performance

11pm wash, rinse, repeat! Its the same show but later, and thus a great chance for more obscene heckling. Try to keep your thoughts positive as you explore this wondrous journey of bike sex.