Helthy and Sexy?

So although there is a def connection between looking good and feeling good clearly there is more to this. than we might other wise know about.

Who is to draw the line? When does preoccupation about outward appearance of health become a net-health looser?

Shouldn't we all be happy to be alive?

That is where bike porn comes in. Being active and alive and able. There are lots of ways of achieving this. But the freedom inherent in moving under one's own power is pretty intoxicating. So when you are given the ability to surf the internet under your own power we have to wonder about the nature of "traveling" and the health benefits.

split ends make means

Over the past few years hardly a show has gone by that someone didn't tell us they were terribly bothered by the content. It is a source of pride that we have consistently shaken so many otherwise unmoved people.

Well it is one thing to hate on a curator when you watch 90 min of sweet bike sex when you were expecting to see just pictures of bikes (yup it happens). But what about hating on thy neighbor?

This article about a DC bicycle and porn shop makes lots of sense to us, but we might be biased.

So many questions sprint up.

Why is gay porn twice as expensive as straight porn? We fear the day when all porn is gone from the gritty streets and the only way to get off is to log on. Don't tell us not to hate the internet! For that hate is a joy beyond measure.

Our fingers are crossed that there is a nonprofit out there archiving all the best porn so that after the apocalypse when the connections are all down and all we have is an old VHS player we are still able to kick it with ease.

Aspiring entrepreneurs. Don't let this idea fall by the wayside. Start hoarding porn today and tomorrow we might still get a long. Actually we hope for many longs ideally.

Deadbaby Weekend primter - Sunday

Sunday
10am Bright and early you are enjoying a friendly game of bicycle polo. Not counting the cities you have been to you meet jaunty players from Dayton, Richmond, Ottowa, Pensacola, and Anchorage. The teams are engaged in a massive double elimination bracket after the second loss they can say goodbye to being a champion. But they can say "Hello Nurse!" so be ready for staggering quantities of hilarity.

1pm The Dead Baby water bottle you drank out of the last 2 nights is very useful in keeping a low profile all afternoon. You wisely put a unique sticker on it to distinguish them from other deadbaby water bottles cast about Magnuson Park.

2pm You take in an exhibition game of tall bike polo. (note: this probably will not happen in fact this probably has never happened and will never happen, so don't ask for it to happen, cause it wont.)

4pm After all the drama and excitement the tournament has been narrowed to a handful of the best teams. You decide it is time to try to understand the rules.

NORTH AMERICAN HARDCOURT BICYCLE POLO CHAMPIONSHIP RULES

GENERAL INFORMATION:
• Three player teams.
• Games to 5 with a 15 minute time limit. No tie games.
• Double elimination tournament.
• Bar ends and mallet ends should be plugged. No exposed outer chainrings.

SCORING:
• A score is only counted when the ball is hit with a strike using the end of the mallet head.
• You may not score on a shuffle
• You can’t score on yourself

NO:
• No throwing mallets.
• No “unlike” contact. Example: Mallet to Player, Player to Bike, Mallet to Bike, etc.
• No high sticking (above handlebars).

PENALTIES:
• Dabbing or minor rules violation: Tap out.

DON’T BE A DICK
• Don’t be a dick.

6pm you discover one of the most important ideas that separates organized hardcourt from organized grass bike polo is the number of rules. But as a spectator its not nearly as important to know the rules as it is to know that heckling and jeering is as crucial to the game as the players themselves. It is a game after all, if it is not fun, it should not be played.

8pm a champion is crowned and will travel to Philadelphia for the Worlds (although it is debatable how many hemispheres have to represent to have a worlds). Our sexy bike team is hoping to score a special prize offered up to the team with the most clASS.

Deadbaby Weekend primter - Saturday

Saturday

The hot, celestial orb of hangovers sits on your chest farting hot beams of light into your eyes. Your attempts at shutting out the pain are ignored as your friends drag you to a magical place where the industrial age has left a rusting postcard to remind you of a time we built giant things that look fucking sweet.

Moreover there are another 30 some kegs of beer that need drinking!




11am New Belgium Brewing tour de fat.

• Sean Hayes
• The Pimps of Joytime
• Handsome Little Devils present: Squirm Burpee Circus
• Nanda
• Portland’s Original Mini-Bike Dance Troupe: The Sprockettes
• Lloyd Family Players Salsa Drum Corps

Not bad, moreover even though they are charging for beer, they give all their profits to charity. Which they dont have to do, but they nice people.

4pm you owe it to yourself to check in on the action at the North American Hardcourt Bike Polo Championships. Its gonna be a long hot day, and with 4 courts there is going to be non stop action for about 10 hours straight.

8pm its about dark and you might try to rekindle a relationship with your liver by eating some starchy foods or anything to soak up the sauce you been pouring down your gullet for the past couple days.

9pm so much for that brief stint with sobriety, the sun has set and your mind turns to the perverse, its the Seattle premiere of Bike Porn 3! Heyo! We somehow managed to pimp our own event! Go us!

• Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound
• Saturday, August 8th
• Seattle Musical Theatre, Building #47, Magnuson Park
• 7400 Sand Point Way NE
• Seattle, WA 98115
• 9 and 11pm
• $7 includes live performance

11pm wash, rinse, repeat! Its the same show but later, and thus a great chance for more obscene heckling. Try to keep your thoughts positive as you explore this wondrous journey of bike sex.

Deadbaby Weekend - Aug 7-9th

IT IS ON! We are playing Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound in Seattle during Deadbaby Weekend! To have our program of sexy bike art be recognized by such a historic event (thirteen years running) is terribly exciting for us. Anyone who wants to have a freaky good time should be in Seattle, WA August 7-9th.

Freaky good because:

• There are many freak bikes
• There are many freak bikers
• There are many opportunities to mosey around with your pants around your ankles (if you were moving quickly it would be streaking, but sometimes we choose to go so f'n slow)

At this time it is not known if the Dead Baby Bicycle club has a unstated agenda for limiting the numbers of tiny humans. Could their agenda for infanticide be hidden in plain sight? peculation for why they are called the Deadbabies:

• raise an army of zombie babies (seen below)
• less competition for limited resources
• freak out the squares
• confound the circles
• cheer them up since all the good bike club names were already taken
• demonstrate their brutality
• enrage the xtian right

What is known is that on the 1st Friday of every month the Dead Babies have their monthly ride. Anyone on a bicycle can join and lots of people ride mutant bikes. It is fun! On the 1st Friday of August they host the Dead Baby Downhill. A race though the city to "the greatest party known to human kind".

But that, dear readers is just Friday night. Take a moment to understand what it means to your body to abuse it for an entire 72 hours.





















...












KEEP WAITING JERKFACE!


















YES! We are using white space to try and impress upon you the magnitude. This is the Dead Babies' 13th annual weekend of extraordinary bike danger/stupidity/sexiness/fun. This blog may have some gaps in its logic, but that is nothing when compared to the future gaps in your memory.

Lucky for you we have this handy list of activities!

Friday

• 6pm Modest binge drinking at the Comet Tavern and Exhibition bike polo next door @ Cal Anderson Park.
• 7pm race across Seattle with great indifference to human life (See possible motivations for Deadbabies above).
• 8pm enjoy endless quantity of beer. (cause you registered, right?)
• 9pm pass out in a pool of (hopefully) your own body fluid, unaware that bands and performances have begun.
• 11pm wake up in time to stumble into the path of the tall bike joust finale.
• 12am released from hospital with mild concussion and critical tongue lashing.
• 1am remember that ticket they gave you at the start is redeemable for BBQ food
• 2am with new found energy and confidence (and maybe a helmet?) you find yourself riding on a pedal powered amusement park ride courtesy of Cyclecide.
• 3am Unsure about how you got there you decide to passout in stranger's hot tub.

Stay tuned for our predictions about Saturday and Sunday events!


photo credit to dennyt
haleyb
c_bskt
Anomalily
Little Black Box

Verbal encouragement

One of our top priorities in the coming year is some sort of bikeporn encouragement meter broken down per location. Near the top are perennial debauchee encouragers New Orleans, New York, Toronto, and Atlanta as well as the little bike porn capitol of the rockies, Salt Lake. Plus who could ignore Asheville NC with its world record tall bike erection. All are looking to host bike porn and a pornometer would help us make our tough choices about where to go. But where as many a city promises booze, cookies, and spandex the town of Albuquerque might be in the lead after we received this lovely prose:

Wanna ride bikes?

The frame

Firm but compliant beneath me

Just the right size

Made to fit only me

The cadence

Steady and long

Tension and release

Until the motion is a smooth revolution of muscle

The chain

Linking the various pieces into a fluid continuum

The wheel

Revolving

Hurtling me forward

To places I hadn’t dared to imagine

The spokes constant tease of

Tension and Release

The tires

The scalpel edge

Tearing me forward into new frontiers

My bike and me

Transporting each other passed the bounds of imagination

Until all muscles firing in this game of

Tension and release, tension and release

Pounding hard into unexplored worlds

Tension and release

Ecstasy

Huzza bike porn citizens of "The Que!" They certainly did show us some bike love when we visited there in November of 2008.

Warm up those temptation engines! Tell us when where and why bike porn should be played!

send bribe laden email to:
bikesmut@gmail.com

photo credit to o . . . phuck!™

North American Hardcourt Bike Polo Championships

We have been in negotiations with the NAHBPC folk in Seattle. We have our fingers crossed that we will be able to show our program of smutty movies to the hard working polo players vying for the coveted crown.

With all the action going on that weekend in Seattle will there be any bike fun left for the rest of Cascadia?

nope.

From the writers of one of the most loved/hated bike porn movies ever comes this link which sends you to a pretty great website for wasting some time by looking at classically bizarre internerds.

Lycra Discount!

Join us this Sunday afternoon at HallaDay Park for a BYO BBQ as we welcome the riders of the Seattle To Portland.

In honor of cyclists willing to ride hundreds of miles in a weekend (or even just a day) we are hosting a "Lycra-Fast-Fashion Show" before the movies. Come to the screening dressed in the sexiest skin tight clothing and get nearly 20% off the regular ticket price.

• Sunday July 12th
• Clinton St Theater
• 26th and SE Clinton
• @ 10:45 pm

The whole evening promises to be rather tight.

We SToP for Bike Porn!

We heartily welcome riders of the Seattle To Portland (STP) to our quaint cultural capital. While here you might enjoy a variety of delectable taste sensations.

Now serving: road rash. taint spasm and a sprinkling of shaved leg hair in a lycra taco.

heartily enjoy this fine con-cock-shin this coming Sunday night as your pedal your way to triumph!

• Sunday, July 12th
• Clinton St Theater
• 26th and Clinton
• 10:45 pm
• $6 includes live performance

(Does this map look veiny to anyone else?)




Only one thing to do with a room full of roadies.... Are you ready for a Skin Tight Fashion Show?
















Not too bad, but the undies she is wearing are only 5% lycra. Not good enough!









Now this guy, he knows how to layer and strut!