Showing posts with label police. Show all posts
Showing posts with label police. Show all posts

April 12, 2016

The Passing of our Naked Defender



Regular readers will note that this blog refers to itself in the plural, "we" rather than "I". This is because Bike Smut has been propelled by the faceless mass of legs and genitals that rarely get the limelight. By using plural pronouns we have tried to keep that awareness that Bike Smut is more than one person's ideas. Nevemind that of the (oooh!) 1009 posts that have been made over the past decade all but about 9 of them were written by one person. That one person is Reverend Phil, the founder and curator of Bike Smut. For the remainder of this post I am stepping out of my normal role into something more personal, and as such, will use the singular.

While contemplating the future of Bike Smut's final tour. I learned some sad news regarding the passing of a good friend.


In 2006 I was arrested after being hit by a drunk driver during Portland's World Naked Bike Ride. The following story of my arrest and subsequent triumph in the legal system is due to the creative and diligent effort of my recently deceased lawyer, Stu Sugarman.




During most naked bike rides there comes a point where everyone looks around and wonders, “Will it actually happen?” No one wants to be the first person to get naked but you don’t really want to be the last either. In that moment it helps to have someone boldly announce “Now is the time! Take your clothes off and ride your bikes!” I was loud and I’ve never much cared for society’s rules regarding the obscenity of the naked body.  Clothes can be a great thing and provide many functions. Fashion, comfort, warmth, and protection all have their place. But the function of supporting patriarchal norms that make feeling shame about not living up to the impossible standards we see in the mass media? No, that is not a function I care for. So with my loud voice and marginal appreciation of pants I was invited to be the ride leader.

It was a beautiful night. Full of joyous screams of laughter and delight. The simple act of being naked returns us to a sort of child-like innocence as our assumed roles in adult life are shed as quickly as skivvies. When a community embraces these ideals we can see the result reflected in those around us as we are left with only our skin, bare for all without shame. As hundreds of cyclists rode together the city streets seemed to come alive. The sidewalks teemed with cheering onlookers overcome with the irreverence of naked bodies taking back the streets. The ride toured around downtown and while heading south on 3rd we turned right onto Burnside. Its a busy street and a handful of cars were already lining up. For the most part its better to keep cars with cars and bikes with bikes; you can imagine the danger of having distracted drivers among naked bikers.

I rode up to cork the intersection and expressed my condolences to the delayed drivers whom were all completely satisfied to sit and watch the parade. All but one driver, Amanda Truscot who through the haze of various intoxicants proceed to honk her horn, flash her lights, rev her engine, lurch her SUV then proceeded to knock me down pinning my bike under her car. It was a bad enough scene but with the addition of off-duty Portland Police Officer,  Chad Stensgaard as the passenger it became absurd. I was soon cuffed and stuffed and had a variety of misdemeanors filed against me all for keeping vulnerable road users safe!

I was pretty upset, but thankfully my friend Catherine told me she knew a good lawyer who did some probono work for many activists. Many of his cases were for defending animal rights and other more nature-oriented environmental actions; but I had got a good story so maybe he would be willing to help me out. I didn’t expect I would gain a good friend.

Initially things were touch and go between us. I had been warned that like many of the people he defended, Stu Sugarman could be difficult. At one point, and with great bluster, he told me I was wrong about a detail of our case. I proved his mistake which he acknowledged and we refocused on our case. It was a small thing but in that moment we both accepted how easy it is to be wrong and that both of us were more concerned with bigger issues.

The court case rolled on for a year with several delays. Finally we had become so confident that we were going to make the DA look like an idiot we had a model dress up like Lady Justice astride a bicycle complete with white robes, scales and a U-Lock instead of a sword. The image looked great and we printed up a thousand “Naked Justice” posters. The day before our trial Stu went to the DA and presented him with one saying that he expected tomorrow to be “a lot of fun.”
“Are there are lot of these?” the DA asked woefully.
Stu gleefully replied, “Oh yeah, they are all over town! See ya tomorrow!”


The DA dismissed all charges shortly afterward. I was relieved that it was over but sad to not have the case go to trial. Stu and I became good friends and our mutual love of nature encouraged us to explore Oregon’s fabulous environment including surfing the Oregon Coast.



The next year the Portland World Naked Bike Ride doubled in size. The year after it doubled and the following year it doubled. It carried on doubling each year until our recent ride of approximately 12 thousand naked bikers.  Stu had become a mainstay of our naked legal observers support team. He and other lawyers were eager to keep a keen watch out so that no other cyclists would fall the same fate as me. Stu saw it as our civic duty to protest our nation’s dependence on fossil fuels, the dominance of cars in our cities, and the shame associated with our bodies. He had been an avid cyclists in his younger days, touring across the Southeast region of the United States and he was a consummate defender of nature.






Thank you, Stu, for lending your voice to protect our freedom to assemble. Tho it should not have to be posthumously you are hereto be remembered as one of Bike Smut's most vaulted supporters, as a Hero de Bike Smut.


photo credit to Jonathan Maus of BikePortland.org

July 18, 2012

Tisk tisk, TSA

The Naked American Hero, is free!

John Brennan, also known as Naked American Hero was found not guilty in a trail today for charges of indecent exposure for free speech action at PDX, also known as Portland International Airport.

("PDX" is the abbreviation of the airport which we often use to avoid having to write "Portland" because we are all so fucking busy that typing the extra 5 characters could cause a massive reduction in the quantity of awesome, self-indulgent bleeting*)




Brennan flies out of PDX for work regularly. That means that he regularly endures the rather fanatical behavior of the represanitives of the Transgressive Sexual-Assault Association, also known as TSA. On April 17, 2012 Brennan had suffered enough indignity. For although he is a regular participant in Portland's World Naked Bike Ride, he knows the difference between the natural honesty of a consenting nude body, and the embarrassing ordeal of being stripped naked against one's will. If Brennan was going to be strip strip searched than at least it would be in the safety of public view. He stripped naked right there by the conveyer belt to prove he wasn't hiding anything.


Specifics details of the day's events and more on the topic of nudity and perceived security via The Daily Beast.


In the trial the District Attorney relied on the TSA agent's ability to carefully reconstruct the scene of the crime. 

"Did you see his penis?" asked the prosecution.

 "Yes"

A damning hush did not fall over the room. The weight of the witness's testimony falling on the court like so much limp dick.

Thankfully for Brennan, the defense had the advantage of utilizing the "My wiener is political speech." defense.  In the court of law, (when the 1st amendment is still recognized) "1st amendment genitalia" vastly trumps the TSA's right to prudishly declare they had a right to a private show. Which is where a lot of this rubber is meeting the road.

"Please don't show me your wiener,  others are watching me, looking at you." The TSA agent implied with a sideways glance.



For this crime against humanity Brennan was handcuffed and arrested but today Brennan was declared not guilty. I believe this is partly due to the fact that he lives in Portland, fucking Oregon and sometimes we are not as crazy as we may seem. 

[bleeting = blog tweeting, or tweeting about a blog, or any form self-referencing media hyperbola]


(note, due to some crappy blogger-type excuses this blog is like post dated or something)

November 13, 2011

Campus Security Denies Your Right to Naked Assembly part 2

When last we checked in with the folks at Asheville we learned that campus security likes to drive behind naked bikers. In this episode Bike Smut explains the principles of obscenity laws to said Warren Wilson College campus cops.



Thats right folks, obscenity is a community standard. It is more than your right, it is your obligation to learn and determine what you like and dont like. Dont let people who are not in your community define these things for you!

November 11, 2011

Campus Security Denies Your Right to Naked Assembly part 1

Last night following an exciting Bike Smut house show on Warren Wilson College the attendees decided to head out on a naked ride...

March 6, 2010

Inspiring freedom


The infamous naked bikers of the Claremont Colleges displayed skin and mettle when local police decided to get involved during a ride before a screening of Bike Porn 3.
"I think it was excessive and dangerous for him to take me down like that,” Reiss said. “We were non-threatening and…there was no danger until that douchebag officer put his hands on my naked body."

Read the rest of the juicy story from the college paper

November 13, 2009

getting waved down in flagstaff


In 12 hours of riding around Flagstaff this pornographer was stopped by the police 3 times. They were usually pretty polite and respectful and thankfully none of the interactions resulted in any tickets being given. This could be due to the excellent police handling we have received over the years.

The 3rd and final confrontation began at the intersection of the rail road tracks and San Francisco St. after 3am. The train had just passed and the light was about to change. This biker was rolling though a yellow that changed to red while in the large empty street. This conversation took place in the middle of historic route 66.

[BLEET BLEET] (can someone else suggest a better onomatopoeic word for a police horn?)

  • Bicycle Pornographer: Yes? Hello?
  • Bored Police: You need to follow the law.
  • BP: The #1 law is care of yourself. Look around, there is no cross traffic. You are the only car on the street. You are the only source of danger.
  • BP: I will write you a ticket if you want.
  • BP: No sir, thank you.
And while that interaction was actually not as snarky as is sounds (quite the opposite it was entirely heartfelt), our friends and co-pornographers from Tempe who drove 2 hours North to see the show were stopped twice while leaving town after the show. Thankfully they had a designated driver but apparently the police they dealt with were not as respectful:

... that didn't stop the cop from giving Mark (the only person in the car that hadn't even had a beer that night) a 30 minute sobriety test. That guy was a dick. - Lindsey B.
Even our host at the Foto Barn said that he was recently arrested and spent the night in jail (and nearly missed going to Burning Man) for jaywalking. He was not friendly to the police he was in fact quite irate. And justifiably so. When downtown business owners are not able to cross the street because a police officer decided that you "did it in an unsafe manner and while we are talking let me run your identification" that borders on some 4th amendment stuff, never mind the question of whose interests are you protecting?

This all wouldn't make us feel so bothered except that it does reek of classism. On one hand if there are going to be armed people who can detain and/or kill citizens at their discretion we want them trained and compensated well enough that they are not shaking anyone down for protection money. On the other hand no one on the bike porn tour has health insurance. Meanwhile, here is a list of the benefits of being a Flagstaff officer:

Medical, dental, vision, life insurance

Deferred compensation

11 days vacation

Flexible Spending Accounts

11 paid holidays

Annual wellness assessment

12 days sick leave

Repetitive Motion Therapy

Public Safety Retirement

Credit Union membership

Bereavement leave

Direct deposit

Jury duty leave

Cell phone discounts

Military leave

Promotional Opportunities

Family & Medical Leave

Continuing Education

Employee Assistance Program

In-house training opportunities



Yes, it is true we ARE jealous of their "benefits package" which includes repetitive motion therapy, anal wellness, and even house training! (For those who qualify)

That said, we are totally grateful that we were able to leave town giving them only time. Lots and lots of our time. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again.



June 5, 2009

The internets are still full of sex


What terrible convenience! Someone hacked this bike rental display in Spain resulting in it playing pornography. A large crowd gathered and after a few hours the police (who were also standing and watching and not really sure what they should do) decided to cover up the screen with paper.

A Bike Porn Kiosk could be the best idea of the month. Dont let the Spanish keep it for themselves, demand more bike porn in your town halls today!

--------
WARNING, NON BIKE NON SEXUAL CONTENT AHEAD!
Concern over the relative size difference between rider and "bike" cause very few people to take notice.
let me put it into context somewhat. Picture Arnold Schwarzenegger riding a 20” child’s bicycle. Not a pretty picture.
Pretty? What about hilarious? Maybe enviromentally devistating is a better way. to put it link to motocross
----------
Also, next week Ron Jeremy will open a sex club downtown. Careful examiners of the byline will notice that the Portland Mercury's blog covered this story months ago, but all the big media (Fox, The Oregonian, BikeSmut) seem to be covering it now.

In case you dont know Ron Jeremy may be the most famous porn star of all time. You probably remember him from such roles as:

We hear that a bike ride might be heading that way on Friday June 19th. Check your local listings!


May 24, 2009

expanded hot pepper coverage

Really the "hot pepper coverage" is just marketing... it's like Ned Flanders said, "this 4-alarm fire is probably only 2 alarm at best". But still there could be a great unspoken outcry for more shots of the boys in blue wearing yellow, and so here is:



Many thoughts come to mind as we gaze intently at this image

Does Portland having less critical mass = less time for cops to ride bikes = more fat cops? Are cops in NYC getting healthier because of their increased presence at Critical Mass? DUDE! COULD NYC BIKE COPS TAKE PDX BIKE COPS?!?

Perhaps the Portland Police Union step up its efforts to get Critical Mass popular again. There are a number of benefits including lots of easy overtime for officers with reduced health care benefits for the system overall.

This couldn't happen at a more important time. Presently our team of bikesexuals are gearing up to ride in what could be North America's best Critical Mass:
  • Best in that it is huge! It has rides in the thousands, which is way more than ride in Portland (at least with their clothes on).
  • Best in that it is full of creativity! This month is pirate themed and the ride will be heading to our final screening of Bikexploitation and a massive pirate party with peepshows and lots of excellent performers.
  • Best in that they have a low # of arrests per rider attending. Fun in the street and fewer body checks than either NYC or PDX.

All this makes us wonder if perhaps Bike Porn Industries could see a new sponsor latter this summer. Hey, Police Union President Sgt. Scott Westerman, take heed, we need more sexy cops! Everyone knows cops and porn go together like...

May 1, 2009

The 1st of May Brings Bike Flowers


May 1st is a hard day on a lotta people. Where our sex workers at?

This is not just a march, and specifically is not a March, nevertheless when last we check it was still rolling in the street!

It is a day for breathing in the beautiful bicycle flowers and for the bikes that they ride on are very lucky indeed.

It is a day for bike love and tighly wrapped poles.

Lots of people have cause to be in the streets. Who would deny us the right to to work? To organize? To parade?

No one. We think.


Regardless it was sunny but it was not exactly hot out.
Next time if you could touch yourself a little more, please?

October 3, 2008

Bike Porn Fights Evil Crime

This guest post written by an anonymous crime fighter:

Thursday Oct 2nd, as the plucky bicycle pornographers set up shop at the Hollywood Theater a lady cried out in despair.

"Help! Help! That guy stole my bicycle! Help!"

Like a drugged cat I sprong into confusion, my eyes wide with excitement as something crazy was happening and i wasn't sure what. Peering across the street we saw Toni Russle, a middle aged, toe-headed beautician running on the north sidewalk of Sandy Blvd screaming and running as fast as she could (not all that fast) after a guy on a blue bicycle (strangely he was also not going very fast)

"Stop him he stole my bike! Help! Stop Him!"

So we got to our bikes and I immediately dropped my keys. Then could not get them in the lock, then dropped them again. That was when I was planning on giving up, but as i turned around to look at their progress it seemed they had only gone about a quarter-block. So after a few more tries i was able to get it. By then my friend had already gotten to his bike and was in pursuit. I followed as best as i could, that is to say I kinda decided I could take my time, besides I thought my friend could handle it.


Sure enough he did. About 10 blocks later the thief had encircled the entire block and was now heading heading west to Sandy blvd. He nonchalantly rode the on the southside sidewalk unaware that (almost) two able bodied crime fighters were in (kinda) hot pursuit. My friend caught up to him and collared him down right in front of the Hollywood Liquor store. "How convenient," we thought. It's like dinner in a bottle and a movie." We do appreciate a nip of whiskey with our evil crime fighting.


We had him pretty well detained. And decided to call the cops to let them deal with the punk kid. "Why did you steal this bicycle?"

"I needed a new bike." he said simply.

I called 911 which takes you to an answering machine that asks you if you meant to call 911. This seems kinda smart, but really it was a little distressing being on hold.

The cops were confused by directions but eventually made it on to the scene. When they do finally show up they sent 3 cars. I felt kinda safer.

Immediately the cop cuffs the thief then as soon as he is done, realizes he has a backpack on and uses his knife to cut the straps. My friend and I both flinch at this, but say nothing.

We return the cops to the Beautician who comes in for the show. She is overwhelmed and because he is some "crazy mixed up kid" at the tender age of 17, she decides not to press charges.

Maybe someone would like to tell us about the value of calling the police vs just beating the snot out of a punk who has only a sliced backpack as a warning of why he should not steal bikes.



Thanks, crime fighting friend. We wonder too.