Think you have what it takes to be part of the Bike Porn Tour?
YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT SOLDIER!
Can you strike up a conversation with total strangers and pimp bikes and sex?
Can you deal with being inside a confined space for hours at a time with the same people?
Do you posses a license to drive?
Do you possess a moderate understanding of the Engrish Language and can you use that to further the Bikesexual Industry?
Can you keep your belongings organized? Can you keep your shit together? (literal and figurative interpretations apply)
Do you know shit about A/V electronics, projectors, selling merchandise, saying "no" to people, saying "yes" to people,
Do you like to pose for the camera? Can you get others to pose for you?
Can you live without making money, sleeping on floors and couches?
Do you urn to ride your bike all over the fucking place?
Can you wake up and get shit done after rocking hard all night? Every night? For 100 nights in a row? (you can't, so don't lie) We will take a few breaks, but expect to have a show most nights. If you frequently get lost and your friends are pissed at you because they spent a couple days of the vacation looking for you, this is probably the wrong tour. We have a schedule so tight we are crapping diamonds. (Thanks Ferris B.)
TO APPLY
Email and explain who you are and why the hell you want to come on this tour: bikesmut@gmail.com
Applications are due Wednesday, February 10th at 5pm. The Backlash Tour leaves PDX on Monday, February 15th and returns no later than June 2010.
Compensation is based on performance. We will be selling everything we can to pay our way. Benefits will include: new friends, sexy fun, a big adventure, and a lifetime of memories. This is not a get rich quick scheme, but your compensation should be able to cover your costs depending on your personal budgeting.
REPEAT: This is a shit ton of fun and amazing way to see the country. This is not a very good way to make money. Most of your needs will be taken care of (housing, food, booze). After those costs are paid the most we usually have left are the blurry scarred memories... however, after the last tour we were able to privde a small bonus to our crew.
Yalls remember back when we were warning you to fucking prepare for the radness of Mini Bike Winter? Perhaps you even got a personal invitation to come and enjoy the fun? Well you got just 12 days to get your butts to Portland.
This year in conjunction with our "officially unreleased theme" for Bike Porn 4 we wanted to making something that was gonna stimulate your brains more than ever. So it is with great anticipation we proudly announce:
Yes, this shit is real.
And it is happening in Portland.
And you are invited.
You dont need any money, you dont need to be 21 or older (being over 18 would make us more comfortable tho), you dont even need to ride a bike but if you do your chances of not going home alone increase by orders of magnitude. Similarly if you bring us a beer, make some intelligent commentary about the state of transportation infrastructure and make some cool stenciled swag with clothes your brought yourself we will prob swoon.
This is our "cheapest" screening of Bike Porn ever! We will be accepting generous donations which will go to support Mini Bike Winter. The idea is that fun is something people spend way too much money on, and if they only spent less money having fun they could work less and we would have more time to enjoy ourselves. This is what we refer to as the free fun spiral, which when not kept in check quickly leads to unemployment, eviction, and eventually just spending all your time masturbating on your bike under a bridge. (There are no confirmed cases of this yet, we are just assuming since this is what we probably would be doing if not getting paid the big bucks to do it in front of an audience.) But in this case we expect you to just give us a few bucks if you got em and have a great time. Mini Bike Winter Kickoff Gala Thursday, February 11th Lotus Seed NE 9th and Going
8:30pm
Panel Discussion: "SHOULD Bikes Save the Planet",
10pm
Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound - possibly the last Portland screening
US Premiere, "Velo Love" a documentary of the Velo Vixens by Lauren Warbeck
All night
DIY stencil station. BYO threads and invent your own brands.
On Friday crazy fun shit happens, on Saturday crazy fun shit happens, on Sunday crazy fun shit happens, and then on Monday... fuck Mini Bike Winter, the Backlash Tour will have begun! We are packing up all the fun and hitting the road, se ya suckers! Enjoy 3 more months of gloom!
Until then, the best reason to ride a bike in the winter in Portland is upon us!
Looking into the future of bike porn can be an exciting and even terrifying experience. Will there be blood? ritual sacrifice? pierced taints?!?
What we can know is where we are planning on going. Starting in 2010 we have the most daring Bike Porn Tour yet. Over 10 thousand miles long across 35 states, 6 providences and a few countries.
We would love your help but how does the blog reader help anything? Isn't it our job to be narcissistic bloggers and your job to post inane comments?
WHERE'S THE ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT EVEN?
Well maybe, we are trying to encourage you to do it better and if that means straddling a bike from the future of 20 years ago topless in heels with some Gordi La Forge sunglasses on, so be it. But just being able to see ok night is not good enough, we travel so fast on bikes wearing heels we want to keep other safe from us!
Behold the latest in safe bike sex:
if you are interested in witnessing this display in person you can see our curent hot program one last time before we leave on our epic quest.
Thursday, February 11th, Portland, OR Lotus Seed 4635 Northeast 9th Avenue Screening at 10pm Mini Bike Winter Kickoff Party DIY Stencil Station Panel Discussion: "SHOULD Bikes Save the Planet" at 8:30
Its not our style to steal too heavily from other places (at least not places we think will ever find out about us) or to even link to info that is available on another (probably more popular) website or blog.
But this article about being a female organizer of bike culture in Bike City USA hits home on many of the same ideas that have become the trademark of our program, right down to the classic Susan B Anthony quote.
In fact our Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation had a video from one wonderfully free woman from "Live Free or Die" New Hampshire that used that exact quote. (In fairness we found that video while watching Filmed By Bike a couple years back... WHICH, btw, if you are a filmmaker who loves bikes and would like to be part of a homegrown festival for bike movies the deadline to submit to Filmed by Bike is Feb 15th! Don't dally! Although if you are reading this you probably only have one hand above the desk)
It is hard to underestimate the importance of having strong female leaders who feel comfortable and encouraged to do great things.
Extrapolated from gender this current situation seems so absurd it is laughable. Imagine learning that because your last name starts with a letter that is in the 2nd half of the alphabet your ideas were of less value... and also you get paid 1/3rd of those who names starts "A thu L".
If you are a dude you might be thinking, "Well I certainly don't keep any womens barefoot and pregnant in MY kitchen. So this don't apply to me."
YOU FUCKING DICK!
Of course no one WANTS to feel bad, so naturally many males avoid the possibility of feeling guilty of complicit support of patriarchy, which is why so few men want to talk about because anything other than feminism (ie equality) is inherently unfair and unjustifiable, and who wants to defend a position that is so obviously wrong? Better to just prevent people from talking about it.
We should expect more of males. They are the ones who should be clamoring for equality.
Bike Porn volumes #1-3 have all benefited tremendously from having a high percentage of films made by women over the years. And it makes sense that women would feel a special kinship to bikes. Bikes made bloomers possible and eventually made is so women could wear pants, effectively liberating their fashion.
It is strange to think that a person wouldn't be able to wear whatever the fuck they want to. But that's what we're talking about, patriarchy fucks with everyone, eventually. Even if you are the "winner" in the game of hierarchy, you end up being a victim to the same system of repression.
In the same vein, when homosexuals are unable to marry or have access to equal protections under the law, so to are we all harmed. By limiting who "can be in a lasting relationship recognized by the state" limited by sexual preference, we are limiting the very meaning of love. Some people might be comfortable saying, well love is only this narrow idea that fits my current world view, but then you know those people have the worst dance parties ever.
We had been warned about it for weeks, but finally the fine bike folks of the town inside a town inside of Arizona have created yet another way to look at sexy bikers every month of 2010. Only this time instead of Japanese women you can have girls AND boys!
You see, it is calendar season for bikers. Unlike other more... stuffy forms of transportation, (have you seen a train calendar?) bikers are impatient when on their time and rather relaxed otherwise. So about a month into the new year seems the perfect time for some more georgian displays of hot biker action...
Great to see our friends, the Bike Saviours (who did a great job hosting us last year) breaking the sexy biker barrier. For a while now, we at Bike Porn Industries have tried to balance the scales by increasing the amount of male exploitation out there, but of course, we can't do it alone.
We have been told that they have a pretty exciting party planned for us when we come though Tempe on March 3rd. With images like this running through our minds, go figure, we're excited.
Regular readers know our opinions about bikes and sex. In our mind they are the peanut butter and chocolate of our generation. A taste combination so pleasureful that we have been debating casting for our own version of "Willy Wanker and the Chocolate Factory"
But A recent turn of events from Denmark has made our pedal pumping seize.
According to THE INTERNET(pft) the oldest porn store in the world is liquidating its stock and closing its doors forever.
What is the dastardly thing that is the cause of this turn of events?
BIKE LANES!
According to the shop owner, it’s the effect of the recession, increasing shop rents and bicycle lanes that have influenced the company’s financial downturn the most.
This is the big one people. This is what we have been training for. This is why we have a stockpile of interns. Expect more on this story as it develops including scathingly unimportant investigative journalism and vastly overreaching summarizations.
Sometimes folks ask us about our boundaries. What is too far? What makes the bike pornographers go, "EW! NO FUCKING WAY AM I DOING THAT!" We all have boundaries (even if we dont know it yet), and some would say that any sexual interaction with an inanimate object is perverse and unholy. We say look at saddles these days and tell us that is not holey!
We are familiar with the interest in saddle play, in fact we even documented some rather candid confessions in the past.
Truly the importance of alcohol to the porn industry cannot be overstated.
But now things are different. Saddle lickers, we would like you to take a deep breath, and try to remember what it was like before the shit storm (really more of a vaginal storm) that is about to hit our cultural landscape makes it so that you will never again have a breath air void of sweaty saddle fragrance. (uh SFW but not really)
Wow! Did you get all that? We figured it was a swingers gym, like "24 hr Fit Ass" or "Gold's Gym and Shower." But in this case more likely to be called "Sweat n Sniff".
What an interesting symbiotic relationship... a beautiful woman riding a stationary bike and a gentleman pervert (like a gentleman farmer) handsome enough that we could comfortable with him sniffing our used saddles. Making it so that the next user of the stationary bike doesn't have to spin in someone else's secretions.There are many questions raised by the website's introductory movie. The first is a matter of practicality. Are we obligated to pay 25 euros or can we just not wash our fingers/labia for a while and get something similar?
Are people in the industry expected to keep the smell of sex on their person at all times to maintain their competitive edge?
Why are their t-shirts almost $10 more expensive than their perfume? Perhaps they are sweat free.
Somewhere down the line we end up wondering "what will they do next?" What new product will the industry wrought and how do simple bloggers take advantage of these trends? Bike Porn Industries could probably start pumping out our own line of juices. We do have interns now, after all... Is "esSEXence" trademarked?
We know its all confusing with thousands of people working full time jobs to sell us things we can get for free in a way that we never before thought possible. Even the scent of a thief is available: Somewhere between Chub Hub, and Chubby Husbandry there is a market for a simple product that is commonly available, travels in your pocket, stays "fresh" and can be used anytime you feel a little...more...
I was so excited to ride my latest love, RHonda, a vintage Huffy Red Hot, in the World Naked Bike Ride. She is so sweet. All original, red, three speed coaster hub with ape hangers and flames on the banana seat and chain guard. Fucking Flames. It was a first date for me and Kat, this hottie I met at a party a week before as well as RHonda’s debut.
I had discovered my beloved RHonda on Craigslist earlier in the week and immediately knew from her sexy pics I had to have her. After a quick clean up and underwear change I set out to bring her home and make her mine. Two long, agonizing bus rides to meth fogged territory I finally reached my destination and found RHonda was as spectacular in real life as she was in her pictures. Her heart was true but her wheels were not so I gingerly pushed her back to the bus stop. After two more excruciating bus rides back to my hood I dropped her off at a supposedly reliable bike shop. I asked them to give RHonda an examination and restore her to her original grandeur. They said they would. Liars!
Saturday morning I got the call that I could pick up my sizzling Red Hot. I gleefully skipped the few blocks to the bike shop. When I arrived they wheeled her around front and told me they could not fix the gear wire. They also said they aligned her wheels and she was good to go. Liars!
I noticed RHonda was a little tight on the way home but assuaged my fears with self assurances that stiffness could be expected from a bike that had been neglected in a garage for years. I brought her into my backyard and tenderly polished off the rust with cola and a wad of aluminum foil. She sparkled, she dazzled, she shined. RHonda was ready to roll, or so I thought.
Having cared for my magnificent new ride I went into the house to shower up. I sparkled, I dazzled, I shined. Kat came over and we had a light dinner. The night was going well and we we’re ready to roll the slightly downhill way to the NW Portland warehouse that served as the meeting spot for the World Naked Bike Ride. We got inside, got naked, got lubricated and then got back on our bikes.
Amid a horde of happy, stripped down cyclists I straddled RHonda proudly and chatted Kat up while waiting for the ride to commence. The night was going well and we began to roll.
The WNBR’s route took us back the way we came. This direction was slightly uphill. I really had to work to keep RHonda moving at the same pace as the other cyclists. The sea of nude bodies on bikes around me prevented me from picking up speed and I perceived that I was having to push harder than the riders around me. A lot harder. I was having to stand up and strain to keep my cherished Red Hot moving.
Kat noticed my distress and I embarrassedly assured him I was fine, A Okay. I don’t think he was any more confident about my assurances than I was but I tried to keep my poise, this was a first date. We continued to roll, and I continued to strain with a strained smile.
As we progressed down 23rd I began to realize that all that straining was taking an unpleasant toll on my body. I was feeling an impending need. You know that feeling. I considered my options, contemplating just how urgent that need was while trying to make witty chit-chat with Kat. After a few more blocks of deep deliberation I realized that need was urgent indeed and if I didn’t beat a hasty retreat I would leave a steamer in the street. The choices were clear. I would have to bust a move and move my bowels or move out of P-town.
But what to tell Kat? At that point it didn’t matter. I veered off the route yelling “gotta go, fearing the turtle” over my shoulder fully expecting that would be the last thing I ever said to him. I rode RHonda as fast as I could with my exposed cheeks clenched all the way home barely making it to the sanctuary of my bathroom. After the sweet relief of release the humiliation and dread set in. What, if anything to say to Kat?
I decided to use the completely pansy from of communication and text him. He replied with an understanding message saying he wanted to meet up with me. Maybe the night wasn’t a total bust.
I’ll probably never know for sure whether he came back for Rhonda or for me but Kat came over that night. Being a bike mechanic he immediately wanted to inspect Rhonda. He delicately flipped her over and placed her on her back so he could peer into her inner workings, lustfully examining every nook and cranny. He discovered her wheel was catching frame and that is why I had to strain. Kat fixed Rhonda and then turned his attention to me.
Last week we asked the world, "who wants to be a bike pornillinare?" We got a supprising low ammount of spam, but even more impressive is that we got some amazing interns! (six and counting). Some were stunned, flemmexed even by our alluding to our interns potentially being paid in the occasional hot meal. Luckily we knew that a real committed intern would be hungry.
We have shared many a steamy prose post in the past... well, actually just once. But we are gonna have more soon!
And so, this week we proudly announce the 1st release of the collective juices that we hope will continue to flow from our vast well of bikesexual fluids.
BIKE LOVE IS...
When you wake up next to the sweetest ass homie lover friend and know that getting on your bike is the first thought in your mind, pushing through traffic while others are honking in pissed off vessels you glide in between them with you and your steed. You are free, feeling good, and hauling ass and have trust in yourself and your bike. Cause you can feel the speed between your legs and rain going everywhere, it's wet and you don't give a shit cause it's Portland and it hella rains and people go into boxes for showers at night to pour water on themselves and your accepting the fact that your gonna get wet, so enjoy it. You know its good cause you having a kick ass time and your ride looks good on you, you look good riding. cause you pass other bikers and say hell ya what's up buddies, cause you inspire people on the max, in cars, walking, to get on a bike.
Its bike love because you are apart of a cultural revolution, cause we are self powered, and changing lives for the better. Cause it's your alone time to process and think/spiritual and also a fun social time when you all go out for a ride with your friends. You know it's love when some aspect of the bike world is steady on your mind spinning circles of lubed stems and Allen key dreams. It is love when you film your partner and you fucking and playing with shadows.
You are free to take your ass home anytime, you can rely on yourself. Cause it is a scary world out there and your fucking Bonnie and or Clyde of the bicycle world and we ride on fucked up roads, around cell phone car talkers, drunkies, and we do it anyway. Some outta circumstance, some for the thrill, others for the ride/pride. Love cause it forces people to get in shape, slow down, learn how to totally fix your own transportation, give a shit about the environment,not to buy into the giant auto corporate world, and learn about a long existing culture.
Bike love is defending bikes on roads and taking care of every cyclist, old, young, fixie, commuter...you love and respect them. It is Bike Love cause you recognize and appreciate how cush it is to ride in Portland than most cities. You know it's love at the end of the day you ride your tired ass home and enjoy the sweet silence of the 3 am roads, when you are the fucking Lonestar of Portland travel, you get to see so much more beauty passing by on a bike.
Cause you know your ride is taking you home. You arrive grit teethed, bike tire greased, a little wet. You hang it up or lay it on a wall, give it a look and say 'damn', we made it through another day. You take your clothes off, helmet on, and go back to bed with the sweet ass you let earlier....This is Bike Love.
The words of Megan Denton, photographs coming soon. Stay tuned!*
*BONUS QUESTION: Ok, internerds, while attempting to make a cleaver linked reference to a bicycle repair website we were stopped dead in our tracks. Do we reference the new school which while mild mannered does impart some sage advice while giving a loving bicycle embrace at the end of the video... OR do we link to the old school. Which should we have linked to when we said, "Stay tuned!"? Is it gonna be new media or web "uh... point oh"? Who ya got!?!
Answer this and dont forget to let us know what you think of our 1st Internal Expression
Bikes and their riders have been sexy since the wheel got round, but this recent revolution of bikesexuality has much more explicit uh, flavor.
There are a lot of exciting endeavors going on out there, beyond our DIY porn festival for bikers (or DIY bike festival for sex positive people, depending on your perspective).
Behold, something you have probably already seen on another website because if you read this blog there is a good chance you also have seen them on one of thesefine, upstandinginternerdz: This previously unreleased image is a special treat for you 'cause we are so manipulative and persuasive. We said, "Hey give us something fresh and new that hasn't yet been on every other bike blog" and the creator said, "Fuck you, suffer with the rest of the cheapskate internet" and we looked up at them with a single tear dripping from the corner of our massive animated eyes our lips trembling... and then we knew he was ours.
So consider yourself lucky: not every pornographer can cry on demand. Anyway, the point is that there is a calendar of beautiful Japanese women and bicycles and they both look good and if you want to have such a thing you can buy it.
Perhaps this would be a good time to consider the implications of using sexy women to sell bikes AND/OR calendars. True, this is already the second ethics-based posting in a week*, but we are confident that as long as there is titillation, you will tolerate wading out into questionable moral waters.
So the debate goes something like this... (actually it went exactly like this)
women are exploited by these images
women are free to exploit themselves
women are not smart enough to know they are exploiting themselves
American butterflies are not aware of the consequences their action will have on Japanese cyclists
We would prefer a more enlightened conversation. But since most people who bother to post comments probably will never come back to read what anyone else said afterwards, we have come to the metaphorical equivalent of meeting someone at a bus stop and immediately jizzing on their face. "Get in, get off, and get out" has been the defacto method of internet debate for so long we seriously wonder how so many people have so many "loads" to share. Perhaps they use volume enhancing drugs(scroll down to end of linked post for sweet promotional video about how you too can get massive loads all the time). Regardless, the medium of communication is what it is, and no mater how infuriating it is to try and engage anyone who comments on youtube there is still (depreciating) value in trying.
Behold: a modern day street prostitute in Tijuana, Mexico. Thanks Wikipedia! So how is riding a bike like selling your body for sex? Maybe that is dictated by how one rides.
It puts us in a strange position because what the hell is sexism anyway? We believe in sex, can that count as our "ism"? What about biting-the-hand-the-feeds-you-ism? We would rather not believe in that, but alas, we are well aware of it.
Take what you will from the images, but the women in the pictures seem pretty happy. If someone makes a calendar of men happily washing their bicycles we will gladly do a post about it a month after it is useful as well.
POST SCRIPT
*And still we have not released the 1st leg of the next tour. BUT JUST YOU WAIT! Seriously, it's not like you have any choice in the matter. But thanks for your patience.
**You should make your own calendar, but know that it is WAY harder than it seems, and printing is really quite expensive, and distribution is near impossible. That said, do it, make cool images and such available on others' walls, and when you are done you can say, "I did it! ... and I never want to do it again"
humor - intentional or not, making people laugh makes them more comfortable uncomfortable situations more tolerable. Not all porn should be funny, but if you fail to make us want to fuck you might as well let us laugh at you. (BTW, it is ok to laugh at strange, awkward things online, they can't hear you and your opinion doesn't change what has already happened... so its ok)
sex - people are doing it. not necessarily doing it well, but it is being done regardless. And you might as well try to respect the coitus, life sustaining replicating as it is.
bike parts - we feel it is admirable to work bike parts into your movies. Wearing a bike helmet while fucking and saying you are being safe is not a bad idea. Putting a helmet on a phallus is a better idea. When the news reports that the reserved stud ended up getting Gonorrhea people will ask, "Was he wearing a helmet?" and perhaps for the first time "Was he wearing a helmet?" would be a pertinent question... only if they were talking about prophylactics. Le Sigh... location - "we are mostly all naked... sure lets do it on a top of a glass case, it could shatter at any moment" behold! The thrill of danger!
But for all these marginally valuable traits this movie still fails. Why? Well the answers you provided are all correct. Yes, they could have taken more advantage of their surroundings, yes it was repetitive, yes we have seen plumbers work a clogged drain hole with more passion, yes they might just be faking everything (not just the sex, but also being into bikes), and yes there is no joy.
But "the answer" is none of these things. In truth this movie is what most porn looks like before it is processed to make us believe that the participants are having a good/exciting/disease free (or depending on your fetish, disease ridden) time. Dubious? Check out this remix: [DID WE MAKE THE REMIX IN TIME?!? NO! But our friends in Salt Lake did!]
So what is the true death of this movie?
editing
Watching raw, unedited porn does provide some feeling of reality, but this truth at 24 frames per second* is a double edged blade. While it is exciting to see it "as it happened" it is also a little distracting. We normally would not get to see those confused looks from the stud wearing a bike helmet. We normally would not get to hear the women talking about how "good" the male on the right is. All these scenes leave the audience in a state of marginal discomfort as the performers try to keep on topic.
What does that mean for all the tolerable mainstream porn that we have have been rubbing ourselves to? Were all the participants just as vapid and divorced from real emotion? Probably.
It would be inaccurate to think that if sex is paid for that these are the typical expected results. As in all cases, CONSIDER THE AUDIENCE. If the audience is the person you are having sex with, well there is a lot of connection and feedback. But if the performers are trying to please the appetite of internet viewers... well
Making porn that has a wide market appeal (aka: the lowest common denominator) AND is not edited is a tall order.
Of course there are a lot of things wrong with this movie**, and we appreciate any brain power devoted to the cause of understanding why this movie is lame. Thanks for all your comments and blather.
This video is not inspiring, and doesn't make us want to ride bikes or have sex and therefore would probably not be included in the Bike Porn program.
The bigger question is what is wrong with most porn, which leads us to asking if maybe there is something wrong with us. Why is porn that seems so bad so popular? One answer might be that making bad porn is easy. With so much bad porn being made the standards are dropped though the floor. There might be a lot of good porn out there but how do we find the delicious sausage in the pile of turds?
Haters of porn have frequently (and with a fair amount of accuracy) said that porn is dangerous because it sets up unrealistic standards. That every woman will want to end with anal before a facial, and that men's vocabulary during sex is significantly limited. (This might be true but we're not funding any research at the moment).
But this type of movie might also fill another need. If porn sets unrealistic standards then couldn't they also set artificially low standards for sex? Perhaps there is a sort of cathartic effect, where by watching lame porn we are able to have good sex?!?
We have doubts but let's put it to a vote by comments. After watching that movie don't you think you are capable of having vastly more satisfying sex?
Next question, is this porn harder or easier to watch than this emo PSA for motorcycle helmets?
GAWD MAKE IT STOP!
* we have no intention of searching the internet to figure out exactly how many frames per second are in a typical flash internet video
** Lighting, lack of white balance, set design, acting, camera movements, props (just the helmet? no Chain Whip?, writing, repetitive motions,
January 2, 2010
While we wouldn't hesitate to call ourselves heroes we are still able to acknowledge and possibly even support a fellow two-wheeled crime fighter in action. So it is with some honor (avoiding a confrontation after tossing your bike into oncoming traffic... probably smart! not quite as brave tho) that we bestow onto this marginally heroic person the Bikesexual Crimefigher of the Month Award (if anyone wants to actually make a sweet graphic depicting a bikesexual crimefighter that would be great).
For 100 nights in a row? (you can't, so don't lie) We will take a few breaks, but expect to have a show most nights. If you frequently get lost and your friends are pissed at you because they spent a couple days of the vacation looking for you, this is probably the wrong tour. We have a schedule so tight we are crapping diamonds. (Thanks Ferris B.)
